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Original poster

Anyone else have a DH who has had a "friendship" with another woman???

42 replies

Londonmummy99 · 30/10/2012 04:11

DH and I have had a rocky relationship for years but to cut a long story short, he has admitted to having had a "relationship" which has supposedly finished a while back. He "suppossedly" did not sleep with her and said it was more just a good friendship. Do I believe him? I have never found anything to suggest an affair... like texts, receipts etc and he's always home on time. I'm not easy to live with and admit problems but want to make it work for our two children.

What do you think? Can a man just be "good friends" with another woman, especially as sex is not longer on our agenda at home?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 30/10/2012 15:13

I agree with Beth.

Voice, if I was the female friend, I would not expect the man to dump his partner for our friendship. If he did, I would seriously think he was bonkers and had feelings for me beyond the pale. However unreasonable his partner was being, I would stand down as I would not want to get between two parties in a marriage. I also would not want a man to lie to his partner just so he could keep up our friendship. That to me would be shutting out his partner and create a level of intimacy of my friend that is inappropriate.

Presumably you are also fine if your wife had a close friendship with another man.

Oblomov · 30/10/2012 15:19

I agree with Beth. I would want snuffa's friend to tell his fiance that he was meeting me. Lying to his fiance is just feeding her insecurity.

VoiceofUnreason · 30/10/2012 15:20

blue I am currently single, but no, I have never had a problem with previous girlfriends having male friends. Most of my close female friends have husbands or boyfriends. Sometimes we all socialise together, sometimes not. They have no problem with their wives or girlfriends seeing me without them being there.

I don't see why someone should dump a friend because of their partner's insecurities. Try and solve them, help them, absolutely. But if they lay down an ultimatum, that's unacceptable. Because if you lose that one friend, chances are the insecurities will focus on another female friend and the whole thing starts again. I've seen it happen.

LordLurkin · 30/10/2012 15:58

I have plenty of friends both male and female. But if one partner in a relationship feels a need to hide meetings with a friend of the opposite gender there is a massive problem. The only reasons I can think of why someone would even attempt to hide these things is because there is either an affair in the offing or they are up to something illegal/wrong.

No problem with my wife having good male friends either but the same rules apply. She is open about who she meets and I dont worry. If she wa evasive I would start to get suspicious.

snuffaluffagus · 30/10/2012 16:48

We're all 31 and grown ups.. I certainly don't condone his lying to her, it infuriates me that he does it/has to do it. I've told him off on many an occasion but he hates confrontation with her and so does this for an easy life.

He has been honest with her in the past and gets accusations/tears etc before she realises she's being a bit unreasonable, "let's" him come out and then our nights out are ruined because she texts him literally every 10mins and calls a few times too. He's constantly looking at his phone and trying to appease her and ends up leaving fairly early. She has been out with us a few times obviously but acts very terriotorially and it's uncomfortable for everyone. I have tried to befriend her and make her more comfortable about it all but she's fairly resistant. She even acted strangely when my husband was there (who I have been with for YEARS). There is certainly no question of any romance.

We only see each other every 4 or 5 months or so for an afternoon/evening out. Do you all think he should stop being friends with me (we've known each other years) because his fiancee has a problem with the friendship just because I'm female? Is that fair on anyone?

snuffaluffagus · 30/10/2012 16:53

In relation to the OP though, if he has admitted a "relationship" but no sex, this sounds more like an emotional affair than a friendship surely and different to some of the scenarios outlined on the thread. Why did it end if it was just a friendship?

blueshoes · 30/10/2012 16:58

Snuff, however unfair you feel your friend's fiancee is being, she is the one he is marrying, not you.

I can see you are trying and have tried. The ball is in his court. If he continues to lie to her for a quiet life, I would feel uncomfortable as his friend that he has to do that. If anything, it shows him to be a liar, and for you, just a friend really? If he dumps her, I would feel bad if he did it just to preserve our friendship, if there were no other problems in the relationship. Again, are you really just a friend?

It sounds like you think that because your friendship predates their relationship, you have some claim on your friend she does not. It sounds like you feel morally superior to her. This is a dangerous road to take.

The graceful thing is for you to stand down until he sorts things out. He may never will. But then he did not agree to marry you.

Oblomov · 30/10/2012 17:09

No, I wasn't suggesting for a minute that he stops being friends with you snuff. That would not be fair to you. But he does need to grow a pair of bollocas and stop lying to her, about when he is meeting you.
I would not want anyone lying to thier partner about me. I would not like that. At all.

Lovingfreedom · 30/10/2012 17:16

he has admitted to having had a "relationship" which has supposedly finished a while back. He "suppossedly" did not sleep with her and said it was more just a good friendship.

Sorry, but it's almost certainly an affair. This is not how you would talk about a regular friendship even with a member of the opposite sex

BethFairbright · 30/10/2012 17:20

snuff I think they both sound like nightmare friends tbh. But no-one has to lie, or be party to a lie. Your friend lies because he won't assert himself and if he ruins your evening by responding to texts then that's his fault. I don't think he should stop being friends with you at all, but I think he ought to be a better friend to you by giving you his undivided attention while out and not to seek any collusion from friends in lies to his fiancee. He should be prepared to assert his right to have friendships and an uninterrupted evening with them.

That said, this is a completely different situation to the OP's. That sounds like an affair.

snuffaluffagus · 30/10/2012 17:26

I have told him to grow a pair time and time again, on this and many other issues, his fear of confrontation drives me mad. I have said it makes me uncomfortable that he can't be honest with her about it. This has only come up the last couple of times we have been out and I only found out after the fact when I commented that his phone had been unusually quiet and that I was glad she was more comfortable with things. He then 'fessed up.

I want to reiterate that we are definately JUST friends, I have never fancied him and never will and he has never fancied me. I know you're trying to imply that there is something more blue, but honestly, there's not. I have never asked him to lie to her and I try and keep out of their relationship bar offering him the odd bit of advice when asked (I usually take her side!) and I certainly don't feel I have a CLAIM on him, it's never been an issue with his previous girlfriends so it's all new to me.

I don't know what I could "stand down" from exactly - seeing him at all? (as it is it's only two or three times a year). Talking to him? He's been like a brother since we were about 10 but we don't talk every day, I'm not an over whelming presence in his life or anything. It's not ME she has an issue with, it's ALL his female friends.

But as I said, the OP's situation sounds vastly different.

BethFairbright · 30/10/2012 17:41

I think all I'd do if I were you snuff is to tell him you're not meeting up with him if it involves him lying to his fiancee to be there. And if he comes along having not lied and is boring enough to spend all night on his phone to her, you and your friends should tell him he's crap company.

Mumsyblouse · 30/10/2012 17:50

snuffalugus I have been in this exact situation, in the end I did stand down and I no longer see my male friend on a one to one, but occasionally, every couple of years in a group. It's sad but at some point, given that he couldn't control his partner's (now wife's) jealousy, given they'd talked it through millions of times, given that he still wanted to be with her and marry her, I just stepped away so he would stop being caught in the middle.

I don't believe it would have been the right thing to do to keep up the stress of contact all round, even though we had also been friends since primary age, because at the end of the day, I was his friend, but she was and is his life companion and he spent every day with her including the ones where she was bonkers with jealousy

I couldn't hack it, but it is the life he chose and I'd rather he was happy with her without me as a thorn in their side even though I am not remotely thorn like but really nice and non threatening

AThingInYourLife · 30/10/2012 19:36

"I have a DH who has friends who are women.

Most of them are my friends now too.

Some of them even go through me if they want to reach him because he is fucking useless at keeping in touch.

One of his friends is DD1's godmother.

I have never had a moment's unease about any of them, because it is clear as day that they are friends and that there is no threat to our relationship.

There are bits and pieces of sexual history since he has known them for years, but it is obviously history - just stuff to laugh or reminisce about now.

And I have friends who are men. And some of them have become friends with DH. One of them is DD2's godfather.

But that doesn't mean that no friendship represents a threat.

I hope if either of us had cause to be jealous, in a marriage where unreasonable jealousy has never been an issue, that the other will pay attention rather than indulge a relationship that might threaten our marriage."

AThingInYourLife · 30/10/2012 19:38

I seem have put that in quotation marks :o

They are the words of a great philosopher, not just a tired woman avoiding doing stories.

skyebluezombie · 30/10/2012 22:30

My STBXh became good friends with his best mates wife, but this was just before he walked out on me and during a reconciliation..... he claims that they are just good friends, but the level of contact with her bordered on obsession and he hid it from me. All he had to do was say, oh Im texting H to support her and get her opinion on stuff, but he hid it all from me.

Open contact is fine, hidden contact is not.....

VodkaJelly · 31/10/2012 10:42

I think Yogagirl has got it spot on. Having friendships with the opposite sex is fine but when it is hidden and you have a "feeling" that something is not right then it generally never ends well.

My DP has a couple of female friends who he knew before he met me. There are not very close, see each other once in a blue moon, most of their contact seems to be updating facebook and commenting on each others status. I am not bothered in the slightest by any of these, they knew each other before I met him and if he was interested in them he would be with them not me.

But a few years ago he got very friendly with an ex of a friend of ours, I felt uneasy about it all. She was friends with us both but always texted, and sent PM's to him and him alone. It made me uneasy, I spelt out my feelings and he stopped the contanst texts/pms/facebook with her and it fizzled out.

I dont know what it was about her or that friendship but it made me feel uncomfortable.

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