He's been lying about money

[SoConfused1]

I just found out my husband has been lying to me about his wages and spending for a long time. When we got married we agreed to pool our finances and keep the same amount back for spending on whatever we want each. This was agreed because my husband and I have different attitudes to money and he has got into trouble in the past for overspending/debt (when he was much younger). We agreed this was the most fair way to go about it.

I trusted him and didn't watch the accounts closely or look at his payslips or anything. Today I was working out a budget because I was worried about how we would make ends meet when I go back to work (on maternity leave now) and we have to pay for childcare for the kids. I got him to log into online banking for our joint account and his accounts so I could check how much we were spending on direct debits and grocery shopping. He said he couldn't remember exactly what he got paid so I looked in his account and it was over £100 more than he had told me. Maybe not a lot to some people but it is to us! Once I did that I had a look at his spending and it turned out he has been spending a lot more than we had agreed - even more than the extra income he had kept hidden.

He tried to say he just hadn't realised, but after arguing he admitted he knew he was spending more than he was supposed to but hadn't paid attention and didn't know how much.

I am so angry with him! Our relationship has not been good for quite a long time (lots of arguments) and I think this might be the final straw. How can I ever trust him again?

He has agreed to have his pay paid directly into my account and to close the joint account and let me check his payment slips every month. That would be the only way I could keep an eye on finances, but I don't want to be that controlling and I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do. I would never agree to let my income go straight into his account. I'm also worried that if I can't trust him with this then can I trust him with anything? Could he be lying about cheating/or getting into debt/something I haven't thought of.

Ugh. Wwyd?

I'd be furious. It's dishonest and sneaky and the fact that he didn't come clean immediately means he can't be trusted. For all you know he could have secret loans or credit cards. I'm not surprised this could be the final straw for you. At least you're in a position now to make some demands - you want transparency, passwords, etc and for him to buck up in other areas of your relationship.

I hope he's utterly remorseful, otherwise he's just showing you how little he respects you.

" I don't want to be that controlling "

It was dishonest and selfish of him but, then again, when you've got someone with a proven track-record of overspending and debt etc., it is also foolish to think a few conversations are going to cure it and that you don't have to check up occasionally. People who are irresponsible with money cannot be trusted with it any more than you'd trust a drunk with the key to your drinks cabinet. Full financial disclosure is the only way to stop any backsliding and, personally, I don't call that controlling.. I call it sensible family money management.

If your relationship is failing in other aspects and you're thinking of leaving then I'd strongly suggest getting that full financial disclosure & seeing if there are any debts that you're unaware of. You will need that information in the future.

I don't think it is controlling so much as managing and in marriage I want an equal partner not someone irresponsible I have to micromanage. I wouldn't want to take on that entire burden on my own.

Thanks for the replies. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to leave him until I am back at work. I'm not even sure I want to. When things are good between us I am happy. We're both tired with two bad sleepers and I'm still full of hormones, so it's not a good time to make a big decision, but I don't know how to carry on now. This isn't a bad decision due to tiredness, it's a long term lie.

Offred you put it perfectly. I want an equal partner and I don't feel I have that. Not just in financial responsibility but in everything really.

Is there some debt/money counselling he could get? It sounds like he just needs to grow up and take responsibility.

I think you can always leave btw and there is normally no good time to go and it mostly leaved the family worse off financially but if you aren't sure you want to give up yet I think he has to take responsibility for what he has done and do something real about it.

It sounds like he still has v. poor money management. I would be furious if I thought my partner had lied to me about his finances, you're supposed to be a team when you're a family.

Get him to draw up the budget with you? It doesn't sound like he's ever really budgeted. If he can see exactly where every penny goes it might help him see why he can't spend £100 extra on himself, because the family needs the money for bills/food/etc.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but a genuine mistake is one thing. (Even several genuine mistakes.) Lying is lying - whether it be about money or something else. If I were you, I'd be clarifying and safeguarding my position in order to take future action if necessary; and I think it might be.