trust issues

[jellyspider]

Hi
On the surface my boyfriend and I get on really well, he's kind, affectionate, we have lots in common, and enjoy the time we spend together. He's a breath of fresh air, as I've been separated 2 years from an abusive man. I have children from my previous marriage, and they stay with me.

But, I have trust issues. earlier in our relationship I intercepted a dodgy text, and I think he was online chatting, all this at early stages. However there's no sign of this now, but this sadly has led me to become very suspicious and at times I get overwhelmed by this. This has led me to snoop at his emails etc. I am very ashamed of this, it's just not me!

We're at the stage where we're talking about living together etc.

Anyway, he's away for a few days shortly, and I find out he's hooking up with his ex to help her fix something. He's always told me they are not in contact. I have asked if they are, since finding this message, and he denies it.

Could it be he doesn't see it as relevant, or is he hiding things from me?

Last night I told him I had trust issues, he says I'm being ridiculous and need to sort this out if we are to move forward.

I feel so bad because if it wasn't for this things would be good. But it's so destructive, me snooping, doesn't bode well for us really.

I'm too ashamed to tell my RL friends about my snooping, can you help me deal with this, please?

I don't think you have trust issues so much as a boyfriend you can't trust. 'Trust issues' implies something irrational. Snooping is rarely the best thing to do but your distrust sounds perfectly rational to me.

If it weren't for the fact that he lies to you things would be fine?

Um... OK.

Just because he's better than your abusive ex doesn't mean he's not a wanker.

Firstly I don't agree with snooping.

But when asked directly if he's in contact with his ex after you've seen the message, he's lied.

As an incident on its own, and if you already lived together/had DC, then a discussion would need to be had.

As part of what you've described overall and given the fact you have no real ties to this guy, it's game over, in my book.

Thank you for your thoughts.

You're not the one in the wrong. He told you a lie - that he isn't in contact with his ex - yet you have found he is. Your 'trust issues' are to do with him doing dodgy things, not with you being weird.

It's good you have snooped. You now know he lies to you. Don't let this be turned round to you being 'bad' for checking up on him.

Don't move in together. You'd just be starting down a very destructive road.

Did he say to you ' oh jelly, while i'm away I will be popping in to my ex's to help her with something? '

No? How did you find out? What was the nature of the exchange between them?

If you have specifically asked him if they are in contact and he categorically said ' no we are not ' then that is a lie.

So - why is he lying? Is it because he feels you would 'go off on one' about something innocent? Or because he is just a liar and you cannot trust him?

I think you need to talk more with him and most importantly - trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice. What is it telling you?

And don't be too hasty to turn this into YOUR trust issues as opposed to HIS lying issues.

Thanks, not sure why he wouldn't tell me, because I wouldn't be bothered. It's the lies that upset me. I'm really not the jealous type, but previous actions of his have made me quite paranoid. Anyway. Today he says I have to sort out in my head what the issue is. Snooping is so bad, I don't want him to know I've done it. I know he's checked my Facebook messages in the past. And from reading this board I know it's commonplace.

So not sure what to say to him.

Tell him that the issue is he's dumped.

Just remembering, when we first got together he told me he'd split from his ex 4months previous, and it was less than that. Then I discovered she had been a fiancée not a girlfriend. He told me he hadn't told me as he didn't think it was relevant, the relationship was over etc.

I wonder if he's scared what my reaction would be? Just a thought.

Well, it is kind of irrelevant what your reaction might be really.

And, incidentally, it isn't about YOU sorting your head out. He is doing what they all do... pinning it on you. you're checking on him, he has been checking on you... you don't trust him, your instincts tell you this and you have found out several lies centred around relationship issues.

Those are the facts. I'd have one more frank conversation with him where I wouldn't allow myself to be sidetracked or fobbed off and then I'd get rid I think.

Do you think you can do better than a man who hasn't even got the common courtesy to tell you the truth about being in contact with his ex and planning a visit to her?

I think you can.

How on earth can you be 'at the stage of moving in together' if you don't trust him, believe he's lied to you and feel the need to snoop on him? It sounds more like you should be at the stage of having a big, HONEST conversation about what your problems are and whether you actually have a future together at all.

Hi jelly

In my experience people rarely snoop unless they think there is something to be found, its the gut instinct that cant be ignored. The first time you did it there was a dodgey text, and now there is another situation, and he is lieing to your face.

I would take this as a sign that he isnt being straight with you, and re think about whether you are ready to commit yours and your childrens future to someone who makes you feel uncertain and anxious.

Instincts are there for a reason, we developed them as humans as a line of defence to keep us safe from harm, your gut is telling you something I would suggest listening to it .

x

Isn't it interesting that it's apparently you with the problem and it's nothing at all to do with him having been less than honest loads of times?

His ex was a fiancee and they'd spit up on a different timescale than he originally said. Not relevant? Maybe not, but then again, why not just tell the truth in the first place? If it's so irrelevant?

You found him doing dodgy chat online and now have found he's arranging to see said ex without telling you? Is this irrelevant too?

What you have here is a guy who lies and omits information without blinking if it suits him. This is not someone to tie your life to. Someone who lies about (according to him) 'petty' stuff routinely will also lie about the big stuff routinely.

Thanks for your frank comments. I do appreciate that.