struggling relationship with alcholic partner

[lulutherapies]

I'm 43 and have been with my partner for 5 years. He is a love from my younger days and I adore him. We do not live together but he stays at my home a lot. Otherwise he stays at his father's house. He doesn't own his own home. He does however drink a lot and always has. He is 38 and from a family of drinkers. Life for him as a child revolved around the pub and I understand from some of his friends his father was violent to his mother when drunk and he saw this. His drinking has dominated our social life always and he will consume at least 8 pints on a night out with me along with finishing off anything else left like a bit of wine. I drink only a little and often drive us home. He takes advantage of that. Over the last couple of years he has begun to have angry outbursts at me when drunk or just become very difficult and loud and offensive to others. I have older children who have raised their eyebrows at some of this, but we all love him because he is such a lovely person 'during the day'. Recently he had an outburst that was completely irrational. When drunk on about 5 pints (and on medication) he said he wanted to do some work in my garden the following day. I replied that if he had some time, would he instead help me with my hall floor that needs replacing. In a split second he went crazy telling me to f- stop having a go at him and f--- off to bed and leave him alone (lying on my sofa). My 14 year old daughter heard and came downstairs distressed. He then got up and punched my arm to try and get me out of the room, then he started a further verbal tirade calling us all sorts including the c-word. My daughter was very upset as was I but I could not let this continue. I told him I would call him a taxi back to his father's house but he refused so I phoned his father and explained what was happening, could he help us and all he did was say I must have done something to provoke him!!! I really did not. I was very softly spoken, polite and not remotely trying to provoke, just asking him to keep his voice down and please stop swearing. I also tried to contact his ex brother in law to see if he could come as he is my friend but he didn't answer. The verbal abuse continued into stuff about me being a Jew (I am not) and my daughter was almost tearing her hair out in distress so I had little choice but to phone the police. They came and removed him. Apparently he was too drunk and ill for interview the following morning so they bailed him for two weeks. I did not make a statement. I just explained that the police were my last resort after trying 3 options to get him to leave. I told them I think he has a drink and anger problem and want him to get help. I didn't think pressing a charge would help. He was interviewed and made no comment and was released. However I have not heard from him since despite me saying I am sorry I had to resort to police etc. We have a dog together and he is like a father to my daughter. This is all very upsetting for us especially as we have not heard from him. I hoped he might call and apologise. I want us to be friends too and still enjoy our dog. But he is making no contact. I have started al-anon which was very helpful. We do care about my partner but I now carry the guilt that I should have not called the police. My friends say I did the right thing because he would just have done this another night and probably worse abuse. Any advice would be much appreciated. What is my partner thinking about me? I know this was not my fault but I feel like the guilty one. Thank you.

You should NOT feel like the guilty one. And what kind of father was he to your daughter when he was behaving so badly you had to call the police?

I think he's trying to make you feel guilty. Is this the first time he's had to stand up to what he's done? Are you the first partner of his to call time on his behaviour?

Please don't contact him first. You will lose everything you've gained and lots more.

It's not enough for a man to be nice in the daytime. He's got to be nice all of the time and reliable, too. He must spend a fortune getting pissed. He's clearly got permission from his family to drink as much as he wants.

I think this might be too much for one sober person (ie you) to sort out. I'm sorry, but in your position I'd be getting rid.

That's an awful situation, I think you did the right thing. But there is a problem in that it sounds as if you would forgive him if he apologised. To anyone outside of this situation the advice is glaringly obvious that you and your daughter are better off without someone who behaves like this in your life. So that would be the advice, keep away from him. You will miss him and the good bits initially but in time will see that life is more stable and happier without having to deal with the mood swings that afflict alcoholics. If you can't find your own strength, do it for your daughter who deserves better than to have to witness him like this.
You describe your daughter as being highly distressed by this, this is why love can be a selfish need, it comes down to a choice between your need to have him in your life and your daughters right to not be subjected to this again - make the right choice, your child's welfare and happiness is more important that your feelings of love for this man.
As I said to my ex-p today when his mother came to visit our son this week (and after over 40 years of being with his abusive father, she "loves him" so still stays with him) she made that choice long ago that her needs of his brand of love were more important to her than protecting my ex-p growing up from the abuse. My ex-p's life is a mess, and like your ex-p (I hope) he is an alcoholic, but very cleaver and very personable in some ways but messed up from the abuse.
My ex-p said "your happier than you were now aren't you?" I said a simple"yes". I did not grow up around abuse, I will never tolerate it, I can not imagine a time where I would have to think twice about shielding my son son from such experience, it's such a simple choice to me, but some people have so much difficulty over this. I split from my ex-P as much for my son as for myself, it was the right thing to do and will never regret it. A life in charge is so much better than a life on eggshells.

Very sorry to hear this. You have all my sympathy, this is so difficult to deal with when it's someone the entire family care about. But you HAVE done the right thing by calling the police and trying to involve his family. Sadly, I lived through a relationship like this several years ago. I left him in the end, not for myself () , but because his behaviour was affecting my DS.

His behaviour has escalated.
Over the last couple of years he has begun to have angry outbursts at me when drunk or just become very difficult and loud and offensive to others.
Check

It's escalated into physical violence towards you, and verbal abuse of your DD.
He then got up and punched my arm to try and get me out of the room, then he started a further verbal tirade calling us all sorts including the c-word.
Check

This can't get better. Can you accept that him staying away from you is the best possible outcome, and that he MAY be doing this because he realises how out of control his behaviour has become? He won't contact you because he knows he has done wrong and can't trust himself anymore?

Please don't think you can fix him. Al-Anon might help you work through some of your feelings, but forgiving him will not make things better and will not cure him. And he isn't your partner anymore really, is he?

Thank you everyone. This is very helpful. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where there was no arguing or abuse so this experience is new to me and I thought I could sort it out/fix it. I was also married for several years to a very calm, level headed husband and there were never any issues like this. I have a 20 year old son and have been telling friends that even his teenage tantrums weren't this difficult. This has been hard because this partner and I have so many interests together that he was my soul-mate. We did so much together. Daytime, walking, fishing, going swimming, evening dining out, going to parties together. Almost joined at the hip. And people would look at us and say how lucky we are to be so in love. We radiated love. So this is extremely hard but yes, I see I did the right thing. I hope he is reflecting on all this and realising how awful his behaviour has been and how it has been getting worse. I would have appreciated an apology though. His friends and mine have been very kind in saying he won't ever find anyone like me again. I guess I need to take some time for myself now and of course, my wonderful daughter. We have had a very calm and productive 3 weeks without him. She works hard on her homework and I am studying too. She seems happy outwardly and I am talking to her to check she is ok. We have been taking our dog out for long walks, doing nice things together.
Thank you for this supportive advice.

You have done the one thing that might help your ex partner, you have made him fully responsible for his own behaviour. Right now his primary relationship is with alcohol. That is what he is thinking about, that is his love affair. If he sobers up he might, far in the in the future, come and apologise.

You need to forgive yourself and take the focus off him. He may never be able to realise what his behaviour was like towards you. You need to let go of him emotionally, and be bloody angry with him. Your poor young daughter was nearly tearing her hair out?? He was not radiating love was he? He was an ass. Be angry!

Thank you

I am sorry that it has ended like this but do you not feel a sense of relief that this person is out of your life? Hopefully you calling the police will have shocked him into facing up to the fact that he is an alcoholic and he must stop drinking forever. If it has not, then, really, you and your daughter and your dog are all 1,000 times better off without him. Truly.