12 year old girls! How 'involved' do you get with their friendships and plans?

[sandyballs]

Not sure whether to get involved with this or just leave them to it.

To cut a long story short one of my twin DDs had big problems with a particular girl at primary, I'm friends with her mum and it was all very awkward. This girl was obsessed with DD and wanted her to herself, DD was suffocated and wanted other friends and it all got a bit nasty with other friends ostracising this girl because of her funny ways with DD.

Moving on they are thankfully at different secondary schools. I'm still friends with mum and they do see each other occasionally if we meet up but DD hates it because of their history so I limit it and tend to meet the mum on her own.

Both my DDs have been talking about Halloween and making plans to go trick and treating with various friends. This girls mum has been texting me asking what my girls are doing and I've deliberately been vague, saying they are making their own plans this year, which is true really. She keeps asking me though and says she is going to get her DD to text mine as she wants to join them. DD says her being there will completely change the dynamics of the group, she'll cling to DD and other friends will go off etc etc.

Part of me thinks bloody hell it's only one evening, get on with it particularly as this girl struggles with friends. Should I force DD to be kind and involve her. DH says absolutely not as it was that attitude and DDs kind nature that led to all the ishoos at primary.

I just want to say that I was very socially awkward when I was twelve. I saw this thread and just thought how dreadful this is.

For your daughter, obviously, but also for this other girl. If she has a social life of a sort because people feel sorry for her, she has no motivation to learn how to make real friends of her own. And it can't be good for her (already obviously poor) self esteem to hang around with people who she knows don't want her there.

It is a situation where you are not helping by being 'nice' - more a 'tough love'/'cruel to be kind' sort of thing.

If her mother is determined to interfere with her daughters friendships long past an age when it is appropriate, she would be better to encourage her daughter to meet as many people as possible, rather than continue to fixate on one person.

Thanks for all your replies. i agree that some tough love is needed, however harsh that sounds . DD has been in tears tonight saying if the other girls comes then she isn't going trick and treating. DH actually said he feels like DD has a stalker.

I really thought being at separate schools would stop all this shit, i need to toughen up and think of DD.

I agree with Feckbox. Your friend is being unreasonable.

I think that it is VERY important that you demonstrate clearly to your DD that avoiding a controlling friend is absolutely the right thing to do. I will PM you a blog post that I wrote about this, it might be interesting to you.

I feel strongly that being able to recognise and avoid controlling friendships is very important for pre-teen girls - you are showing her that she is able to make her own decisions of who she wants to be friends with, and why she is right to turn away from this girl.

Your DH is right. You have been kind to this girl in order not to hurt her feelings but you have to concentrate on your DD. Your friend is not as considerate and is willing to sacrifice the happiness of your DD in order to make her DD happy.