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Original poster

advice forums to discuss dp's drinking

4 replies

0x6a0x610x6d0x690x65 · 27/10/2012 08:57

Hi does anyone know of any good advice forums, online support network and info blogs to help me, help dp with escalating drinking problem.

I'd like some understanding of the steps I have to go through to help dp either wake up and make a start at dealing with it or experiences I can understand.

I'm not leaving cos this is someone who needs help not additional problems. I'm not talking to DP about it cos it makes things worse and another deep dive into the bottle.

everything seems to be a cause to drink, having to call a recruiter yesterday to find out if there was a no for a job, having to talk to people DP doesn't like, me talking about it. me talking about any difficult situation (eg money, childcare, work). Just about anything is used as an excuse to drink. I'm happy - i want a drink, I'm sad I want a drink, I'm meh! i want a drink.

we've got two dds 3&6, two good well paid jobs, just about keep our heads above water.

I know there are other threads here about the subject matter but I can never get the search to be affective. ANy advice will be warmly welcome

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2012 09:14

Al-anon is the usual group suggested for families of people with drink problems. However, having experienced this myself both first and second-hand (exH was from a family with varying degrees of alcohol problems), I want to tell you now that you cannot help someone with a drink problem if they don't see it as a problem. They rarely 'wake up' until they realise their life risks getting considerably worse if they carry on. All the time you think you're being helpful by making allowances, reducing their stress-levels, suggesting counselling or whatever, they interpret it as interfering, making a fuss over nothing or..... worst of all... tacit acceptance of their behaviour.

My exH's DB only 'woke up' when his wife threatened to leave him with their DCs after a particularly bad episode on holiday. He quit on the spot and has never wavered. ExH, another DB, DS, and DF never accepted they had drinking problems, made the lives of those around them unbearable, destroyed all kinds of relationships and, in the case of DS and DF, ended up in an early grave.

So, whilst I understand your motivation and anxiety to help him .... do be fully aware that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. At some point be prepared that you may have to take a very big, very final step back from him if he really is to 'wake up'.

daffydowndilly · 27/10/2012 10:38

My X sadly is an alcoholic, and he only is getting progressively worse, as he just doesn't see he has a problem, even after losing his family. He had a very good career and has now lost two jobs in 6 months, is in mountains of debt, and it breaks my heart.

"I'd like some understanding of the steps I have to go through to help dp either wake up and make a start at dealing with it or experiences I can understand."

  • easy answer, you can't help him it just won't work, but you can hear other people's experiences. I would really recommend you go to Al Anon meetings. The first thing you will hear is that they do not encourage you to leave your alcoholic, and not even consider it for 6 months at least. The second is you will learn what other people's experiences are and how you can best deal with the situation you are in. Many people do stay with their alcoholic, some alcoholics recover partly because their partners go to Al Anon, either way you learn coping mechanisms that are tried and tested.

Online you can google 'Al Anon F.I.N.E.' - it is a pretty decent blog with someone else's experiences.

You can order the Al Anon book from amazon, that has stories of other people's experiences. Or get other literature at a meeting.

I (like you) felt I wanted to not leave him and support him, not confront him - etc. All that happened was I eventually ended up in hell. I would not recommend it. it has been a fight to get out again. Your H needs to be allowed to feel the consequences of his actions, if you have any hope of him recovering. And you need to think about where you want to be in 5 years. Because it can quickly get worse, alcoholism is a progressive disease and affects the whole family - spouse, children, friends.

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