Parentless parents

[Adeona]

Hi everyone. I am new to this website so apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong section.

Just wondering if there are any mums and dads here who lost one or both parents either to death or for other reasons.

I lost my dad when I was 14 which had quite a big impact on my life but my mum did all she can to ensure I didn't suffer emotionally, financially etc. I got married 12 years ago and my husband has always been reluctant to having kids. Initially I wasn't sure if I wanted kids but as the years went by my biological clock was really ticking and I was desperate for a child, not only to overcome the loneliness I left (hubby and I are both from another country) but also to grant mum her only wish of seeing my own kids. Eventlly, 8 years later my husband finally agreed to and we started trying but it took us a long time to conceive. During that time, my mum fell ill and died, the same day I found out I was pregnant. Having a child whilst grieving was the hardest thing I had to go through and although time heels as they say, I still think of my mum every day and feel terribly sad that she didn't get to see my son and that he will never meet her. We don't have any family where we live and the few friends I have all have at least one parent alive. Although they are lovely, sometimes they tend to ignore this fact and get carried away talking about their parents babysitting for them or the way they spoil their kids with presents etc (hubby and I never had a single night to ourselves since 2010). I'm fearing this would negatively impact my son as he grows up and realises he doesn't have grandparents (hubby has his mum but she lives abroad and never visits). My heart aches everytime I see grandmas and grandpas with their kids in the park, playgroups or reading to them in the library.

I would love to hear from parents in a similar situation. How do you cope with this challenge, how did you answer your children's questions about their grandparents. Thank you

I meant Adeona!

We have no family or close friends nearby either. My dad is over 250 miles away, in his late 70's and his health has started to go. FIL died suddenly when our eldest DD was 2. rest of inlaws we disowned (unavoidable). My Brother comes up once a month but isn't good with screaming kids but rest of the time is great.

The rest of my family emigrated when I was 16 we go over once a year for just over a week, Don't think we can afford to go over next year :( So it's just my DH and my 2 girls. Like others have said we are a close family and will always be. We had two children so they wouldn't be left alone if something was to happen to us. Do you have a will in case anything was to happen? our DD's would go to my sister and her family

I do hope it get's better as the children grow, my eldest is 4 and me and DH have only been out once together!

My mum committed suicide when I was 1 years old. My dad had schizophrenia & also died.

I lived in foster care. My foster parents were a Christian family. They treated their own children differently to me & my brother. We had to go to church, say prayers & learn chapters from the bible. They hit us, never bought us Xmas or birthday presents & said they hated us. We were sent to school without any food. At home we had to eat whatever food was on our plate even if it made us vomit. I ended up anorexia & I have suffered with major depression for the last 20 years.

I often wish that I could have a mum & dad & I'm very protective of my own children.

Forgot to say that I live in Australia now. My in laws come to visit every 2 years & we have no other family here either. We never go out & do find Xmas & other occasions hard where my children miss their grand parents.

They do face time & we Skype so they get to see them which is amazing that it's clear so far away.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It really helps to know we're not alone, although of course I wish none of us had to go through this. tabbycat15 it's particulatly horrible what you had to endure, but glad you are now settled and have your own family. I totally understand that you feel protective of your kids.

fosterdream no will at the moment. I mentioned it once to hubby and he refused to talk about it, he said no need to think of tragedies now, which is stupid because he knows well that my life was made of more tragedies than happy events. My husband is 50 and I am 35 so there's even a higher risk that we or one of us might not live to see our son grow into an adult!

bbface, I would love to invite my friends over for playdates/coffee but I work full time and they don't which means they all meet during the week and spend the weekend with their families/in laws whereas I am only available weekends.

im from a another country myself my parents both died when i was in my late 20s they met my first child and not my second my second constantly asks about them because he sees other childrens grandparents picking them up from school and all that i try to explain to him the best i can ( to a 4 yr old) christmas is always the hardest my dad`s birthday its very hard but you just do the best you can. Exs parents dont want to know they have granddaughters from his first marriage whom they adore very much and mine have no one :( by the way when i met the waste of space he was already divorced

Tabby very sad one day we will be Forster parents and couldn't ever do that to a child :'(

We had to make a will or my MIL would try and get custody just for the money. she used to pinch her granddaughters so hard she would bruise them and generally be very nasty to them yet dote on her grandson from her beloved daughter who would threaten to kill me and our DD.

Sadly they are so many of us on our own but it does make us very strong and value what we have.

Gosh I did not realise there were so many of us out there; I have never met anyone in my position (apart from you lovely lot).

I have no siblings and no parents (both died young without meeting my children). No close family at all. My husband is estranged from his (small and elderly anyhow) family.

We have two children who have no relatives! So weird for them. It was fine til the eldest went to school and started asking 'why don't I have a granny/grandpa etc etc'.

I am upset about it, and often imagine how life would have been better were my parents alive - they would have adored the children and they were such lovely parents to me.

I am always depressed this time of year - Christmas is really bad for me....but as you say fosterdream what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I think!).

Same here TheBigKidsDidIt! I am actually overwhelmed by the number of responses and glad I started this thread!

It must be harder not having siblings. I have two who are fairly older than me but our parent's death has brought us closer and although I only see them occasionally and for a short time, they both adore my son and he is always over the moon when he sees them.

Don't be depressed, we're all here for you. If you have a bad day just pop over and we'll cheer you up :) x

I have adopted two grandparents for my children. One is my friends m

I have adopted two grandparents for my children. One is my friends mother (my friend doesn't have dc) and another couple were friends of my mum (they also don't have dgc yet). I actually asked them if they would be honorary grandparents! It is not quite the same but they and my kids love it. We obviously don't get the same level of support my mum would have given but my dc have someone to call granny and get little presents at Xmas and birthdays and the knowledge that someone else thinks they are important.

My father died before we had DCs. We subsequently moved abroad for a while which meant that we were really without parental support during the early years with DCs.

My own GPs were distant - visited every couple of years - so this absence of a close GP relationship didnt feel strange to me.

Even though we have moved back now we still dont have a very close relationship with DM/PiL. By the time we moved back the DCs were older so there was a rapidly decreasing need for any sort of support from GPs. In fact the relationship is now really the other way round. GPs are getting frail and need help themselves.

Our time abroad pushed DH and I closer together. We had to cope with everything so we did cope. We had more friends when we lived abroad. We were all expats without local parents so were thrown together.

This is an interesting thread. There isnt one experience.

What I realise is how fragmented my own family is. I am reminded of this when I come to do Christmas cards and each year realise that I have no idea where one of my brothers lives. If I needed to contact him in an emergency it would probably take a few phone calls. We arent close (can you tell?) and have no insight into each others lives.

My relationship with my other brother is friendly but not close.

I dont want to offend anyone but I am actually quite happy with this state of affairs.

You are still grieving - it's not surprising you feel the way you do, and it's not very long ago for you either.

I didn't have DD until my early 40s, so both our mums were already quite elderly. Even though it is 7 years since my DM died, this is the first year I haven't felt really down with the onset of Autumn and the run up to the anniversary of her death on 21 November. My DMIL also died the following year, and both dads had died many years before. My DD is now 11 and she has passed so many milestones we haven't been able to share - it's really hard.

I also still think of my DM every day, and there are times when it is particularly hard. I remember when grandparents and great-grandparents were invited to my DD's primary school in Year 4 to talk to the children about their wartime/rationing experiences. It made me feel so sad.

As well as seeking out bereavement counselling, do you have a good GP? Some of them are actually quite keen to take an interest in these kind of issues (I suppose it makes a change from the usual chronic illnesses!) and I found mine to be incredibly helpful when I finally sought help. I think I probably had post-natal depression too, but it was certainly compounded by the bereavements.

There's not much you can do about the practical issues in relation to lack of help or family. Christmas is quite difficult as everyone round here seems to go away and spend time with their parents - so my poor sister who is single and childless gets roped in year after year for the "family Christmas" she would rather not have to tolerate!

However, I found that in relation to making friends things did get so much easier when my DD started school and we were finally settled in one place.

I hope you can get some ideas for a way forward - you have taken a very positive step by posting here.

Adeona I feel for you. My mum died when I was 13, Dad when I was 35, I had no real family to speak of, DH's parents also died in their 60s/early 70s. I remember DD1 aged 4 asking "why is no one else here?" at Christmas. DD2 says she hears other kids saying they are doing things with Grandma etc and it upsets her (she used to invent imaginary grandparents and tell the teacher she was going to stay with them ) Its made my children very aware of life being transient, and they fear losing me, and I also think about dying young - I'm 50 now, Mum was 56 when she died.

A while back on here someone recommended a book called "Motherless Mothers" by Hope Edelman. Its a tough book to read because every page you turn you think "yes!! I was/am like that!" as other "orphans" describe their experiences. It didn't change my life but made me realise I was acting pretty normal under the circumstances, and I could see where I'd missed out on what a mum can pass on, and how it had affected me in dealing with my own kids.

I also had some bereavement counselling, albeit 30 odd years late, and that was very helpful. (And yes we have made our wills!)

Another here who has no family - my parents died when I was in my early 20s, my grandparents when I was a child. I have no siblings.

I have 2 DSs - DS1 has no contact with his bio father or family and never has had, I met DS2's dad when Ds1 was still a baby - we are no longer together, he is not especially close to his family and they make little effort for either of the DSs.

I always feel sad at school plays, football matches etc - most of the other boys have BOTH parents AND grandparents there. My boys just have me. I have lots of friends, who are great with my sons, but its not the same as them having GPs. Especially as I know my mum and dad would have been the best grandparents.

I never realised there were so many of us in this position either. Lots of Un-MN hugs to all :)

my dad died when I was twelve.
My mam... well, that's a LONG post if I ever decide to talk about it! I've seen her 5 times in the last 4 years, and 2 of those were at my nanna's funeral and collecting her budgie after it!
Suffice it to say that she isn't here, my 2 year old doesn't know who she is.

My fiance was raised in foster care from being less than 2 years old... and having read through this thread so far I know I don't need to explain what that was like.. he went through several families, including one lot that sound like the "christian" ones a previous poster had to endure!

Both of his parents are still alive, but his mother doesn't want to know. His father I gave a chance, but he decided being a parent and grandparent was too much for him so after about 5 visits last year he vanished too.

Siblings... my brother hates my fiance. So he's not involved either.
My fiance has 3 younger half siblings but his mother never told them he existed,he did meet them once but was told not to tell them who he was.

So we don't have contact there either.

Currently my boy doesn't know any different. And luckily, I have a few REALLY good friends. So he has an uncle (who adores him equally!) and a couple of aunts (and 2 cousins) that way. And more importantly, the uncle's parents agreed that they would be his adopt-a-grandparents, so we call them nan and grandad to him. I'm having a baby tomorrow (by caesarian), and he'll be staying with them for the time I'm in hospital, no matter how long it is.

Last year the uncle took him to them in the middle of the night when I was rushed in to hospital with a miscarriage, and they were absolutely fine with it, I knew he was safe and fine and that helped.

if it wasn't for them being the kind of people they are, we'd be lost!

Aleona - you are a sweetie, thank you.

I tell you when it really gets to me (apart from bloody Christmas) is when the children are ill and there's no one to call. DS1 had to go to hospital for the night and we could so have done with a granny to help out at home!

Oh and when the children have dome something wonderful, my first thought is to ring my mum and of course I get that sinking feeling...

If I had THOUGHT about this instead of rashly falling in love i should've married a member of the Waltons or something....

Thanks olgaga, I haven't thought about talking to my GP. We have moved recently to a new area and changed Gps so I haven't even met her yet, but might well mention the subject to her when I do see her, It certainly won't harm.

BurningBridges, I've read everyone's story on this thread with a sad heart but resisted crying, until I read about your daughter inventing imaginary grandparents. That's really heartbreaking and must have been so tough on all of you. It's the sort of things I don't want my son to experience but when i think about it I realise I have no way to avoid it! It makes me feel helpless. Thanks for the book recommendation, I will look it up.

Adeona, it's funny you should say you have just moved to a new area - I did too, almost 4 years ago. I did have a brief discussion with my former GP who was nice and encouraged me to go back and discuss it in more depth, but I wasn't quite ready, and in a few months time we moved anyway.

Looking back, it really helped me to do it in stages, build up to it. So by the time I spoke to my current GP I was ready.

In a similar gradual way, you have started the process here. Just starting it is a brave and quite emotional thing to do, as I'm sure you're finding. Somehow it makes the things that trouble you more tangible, and so you get the chance to analyse the feelings yourself, and the feedback you receive, in "bite size" pieces, helping you to identify what you need to explore further.

I always felt that if I had to spit it all out at once, it would just crease me. And when you have commitments you take very seriously - parenthood, work etc, you don't want to risk that loss of control. Doing it gradually, one step at a time, was the only way I could do it.

Sometimes, talking to a stranger in a new environment can be helpful. It's as though you are ready to start a new chapter - but you and only you get to decide when to turn the page.

I had just one grandparent when I was growing up Op (others had died) and tbh didn't rate her much . It didn't matter to me one jot. You don't miss what you don't know? Don't worry about your son. I am very sorry for your loss however

hmc that did make me laugh about not rating her, loved your honesty

Hi, I'm new on here and have just read through these posts. I have always felt like the only one as all my friends still have both parents around (even if they are seperated). My Dad died when I was 18, and my Mum when I was 27, I'm 34 now and have a 3 year old daughter.
I have been on mild anti depressants since April as I had been suffering with panic attacks and anxiety since my mum was ill. I don't want to rattle on as writing this brings it all back. But basically, I had a huge panic attack, was constantly anxious, crying. The tablets have helped, they are very mild and I'm starting wean off them since having counselling too. All sounds very doom and gloom doesn't it?
On the other hand, I had such a lovely childhood, my mum and dad were so happy and loved each other, and my sister and I so much. I wish they were here to see my daughter, I just hope I can give her everything that my parents did for me. They are in my thoughts every day.

Hi,my dad died when I was 17 and my mum died the day before my ds1 was due,I know how you feel when you hear people talking about grandparents baby sitting ,I have 3 ds and my husband and I never go out without them

My mil died just before ds3 was born but she had been ill for a long time.I sometimes feel guilty that I can't give my children grandparents.