So far so good ... then the texts start

[HopeThisIsRight]

After years of unhappiness I finally called it a day on my marriage on Sunday and I told DH to leave. Our marriage had become a battleground over the past 4 yrs with daily arguments and lots of pent up resentment (on both sides).

I feel quite "relieved" about DH leaving and there is a calmness in the house. Our DS (8) has actually been really great about it .... he's probably enjoying the relaxed calmness! My DH's absence from house hasn't been felt in any other way, except the atmosphere, as he chooses to work very long hours (13hr days instead of his contracted 8hrs) rather than spend time with me or DS. DS hasn't even mentioned DH much and has given no indication that he's confused or upset at what's happening to his parents.

I know it's early days but so far so good. However, today my DH has sent texts saying how I've ripped everything for under him, how he's going to have to work out what to tell his parents and that he doesn't feel comfortable meeting with DS or ringing him at the mo!! (Whats that all about??!!)

I've sat thinking for the past hour about how much DH is hurting and I feel guilty for that but then that altenates with anger that he's so busy feeling sorry for himself that he's not even giving any consideration to our DS's welfare!!

What he's discovering - a bit late in the day admittedly - is that 'reality sucks'. Despite four years of arguments, resentment & voluntarily absenting himself from the home it sounds like it has still come as a massive shock that you've called time and aren't begging him to come back. The reason he's uncomfortable about talking to his parents or your DS is that he's lost face.

Ignore his texts.

He had the opportunity to change things but didn't.

He sounds like an immature selfish man only concerned about what will happen to him.

He is not your problem anymore.

Don't engage with his attempts to blame you - he's had years of being a tosser and suddenly discovered that he is not master of the universe. If your DS wants to speak to him, inform your H by text "DS would like to speak to you at 6pm today. Your choice whether you call." And ignore any follow up whining. If your DS is not bothered, then just ignore your H completely.

And do not feel guilty. His actions caused this and now he is reaping the reward.

Don't feel guilty. His feelings are his own to manage: he is a grown-up.

Agree with other posters here. After my DH left though he gave me the 'I can't face speaking to the kids' line. I knew that, as well as being unfair to the kids, this was not sustainable and would be used as an excuse to come back in person and to add to the 'poor me' script that he was using...so I made sure that he Skyped regularly with the kids. This gave a bit of continuity of communication, without having the trauma of him actually coming to the house. Might be worth considering?

Don't feel pressured by his texts. Yes, it will be upsetting for him and probably is like the rug has been pulled....but you're probably going through a lot of emotions too. You're bound to be. Doesn't mean that you're not heading in the right direction (both of you). He has to take care of his own feelings and emotions now and you too with yours. You might still care for each other, but start to get used to turning elsewhere for support for your emotions/feelings etc. He'll just have to do the same...starting perhaps by telling his family.

Agree with other posters cogito summed it up perfectly, be prepared for him to use the dc as excuses,
my exH went around telling everyone who'd listen they I had had a midlife crisis and had mental health issues due to medication that I was taking, which was utter bollocks but he didn't want to admit he'd been a complete wanker for years in our marriage and I'd finally had a gut full and got rid of him.

wow .... that you all for your replies - I wasn't expecting anyone to take any notice!!

I feel less guilty after reading all your kind posts; I do think DH is going through the self-pity phase but that's not my problem any more. And the day will come when he'll question why DS is distant for him - and he will only have himself to blame!

Don't be surprised if you eventually hear that he's re-written history when it comes to telling his family. It's a pity but some people feel they somehow wrest back some control by doing this. Anyway, onward and upwards!

BTW... you could always have a kind word with his parents. Get your retaliation in first, as it were.

his parents live 200 miles away and have very little contact with us anyway so I really couldn't give 2 hoots what they think about me or what I've instigated.

He will portray himself to be blameless and hard done by to his parents but the people that matter to me most know the truth cos they've been around us and have witnessed how awful things have become between us

Hope.

His parents or him are none of your concern now. Only your DS and you know this. You need to call the shots when it comes to contact between him and your son.

Ignore your ex, he's had his chance and now he throwing his toys out of the pram because he hasnt realised the consequenses. His parents will always be on his side but it's up to them if they want to take any notice of your side of the story...but again, it's their problem, not yours. As long as you remain honest with everyone, as you have done, you have nothing else to worry about.

Enjoy the nice new atmosphere, it really does get better.

Actually he won't only have himself to blame; he'll blame you for everything, because he can of course not possibly have done anything wrong, ever. But that's his problem.