Submissive

[hubblebubble00]

Hi,#
I'm new here and have been an avid reader for a long time.

I'm after some knowledge/advice if anyone can help.
I've been with my partner for a few months, from our first time of having sex he struggled in 'keeping things up' iykwim !
This has been an issue for us on and off for a while, then the other day we were talking about dominant/submissive etc and he said he wants me to be more submissive as he gets more turned on if he's completely in control.

He said he finds any control from a women a turn - off !!

I wouldn't describe myself as dominant at all, but if I don't feel like having sex I will say.

In other parts of our relationship he has a bit of an issue with being asked/told to do something, he says its being 'hen pecked' and nagged.

So what I'm wondering is do any of you submit to your husbands/partners?

And what does it exactly mean?

Thanks in advance :)

susiedaisy do you know him :)
moved during sex and put him off
That is exactly what happens, I assumed I must be really crap !
or I was an inch too high/low etc.

Is there any other men out there like this?

Another red flag I have felt but put to the back of my mind is he has a teenage son he never sees, and other family too.

He did have a very bad upbringing, could this be a contribute of such a controlling person?
Problem is I have feelings for this man!!

no it's definitely not you!

I think people are being a tad harsh. If he means he wants you do be submissive in regards to 'I am having sex with you now and you have no choice' - yeah, ok! That's wrong. If he means he likes submissive as a sexual preference - as in - you are in the bedroom and he wants to dominate - then that's perfectly normal. Loads of couples do that - me being one of them. I havent read that pile of tosh '50 shades' - but from what I understand it is based on a submissive sexual relationship and women all over the world are getting their kicks out of that. Playing a 'role' in the bedroom is very normal and fun.
A man saying he doesnt like being nagged - well I can hardly be surprised at that. And a man watching porn doesnt really shock me either - that's again a normal thing to do. Again it is based on fantasies.
I think if he had said he wanted to be dominated no one would have the response of get rid!!

Iam those are all resonable responces and I can agree with all of them in one context or another, but in the context of the ops original post it didnt come across as fair enough, it came across as get the hell out of there.

ah - read the 'roll on roll off' comment - mmm.... I like playing the role of 'submissive' if i am getting a lot in return. If he is ALSO shite in bed - then there really isnt any advantages. My partner enjoys the submissive thing but is the best sex I ever had - and never has a er... problem.... 'keeping up'. But if it's not good for you - then I am with the others.

If he wanted a sexually submissive partner in the BDSM sense, he would be spending hours conducting activity specifically foy your pleasure - he would be 'in control' and you would 'submit' (with full consent) to his lead on how to give you pleasure. Or a pleasure / pain mix , but not necessarily. And if you wanted to be a sexually submissive partner it would be a sexual game between you, and you would enjoy it and be excited about it. It would not carry over into your wider lives as him calling you a nag and accusations of hen-pecking.

He is just a selfish and misogynist man and a bad lover, and you do not seem to crave submissive sex.

I daresay he has had a difficult upbringing, that has given him these hang ups, and if HE recognised that he has hang ups and a disfunctional attitude to women and sex, he could possibly seek help with some success. otherwise, it really isn't your job to try and 'cure' him, and it won't work. You will just end up sacrificing your life and your self respect and your own fulfillment. Do not set yourself up as the heroine who will save your man and stand by him through thick and thin until your irresistible wonderfulness transforms him.

Please - free yourself and enjoy your life with someone who will cimmunicate with you in a joyful and mutual way.

But I was on the laptop the other week and joked and said I've finished looking at my things you want to look at some porn while I cook tea

He said "no I havn't looked at any for a while and anyway I think it densensitizes men"

LOL. Be careful then, he obviously reads Mumsnet too.

He's got the officially approved answer down pat.

I am not particularly knowledgeable about this but I thought sub/dom relationships are about pleasure for both people! The sub has to get pleasure out of being controlled. It doesn't seem like he's even bothered about you frankly.

the impotence is a huge warning that things would have to get pretty extreme for him to get any kind of satisfaction or release I think this is true.

It is very sad that he's had a horrible childhood, and as DH and I were both abused I can say yes it can give you some hangups and weird views on sex... But that does NOT mean you have to put up with being controlled, manipulated, deprived of your own sexual (or otherwise) pleasure, or possibly even hurt.

He's.a.knob.Bin.him.BDSM.is.supposed.to.be.fun.for.all.concerned.

CalmingMiranda has summed up how I see a Dominant/submissive relationship working. Ultimately it is a game for the majority of couples.

I submit to DH in that if he commands something of me when we're having sex I do it. I don't submit to him in the respect that if he's emptied the kitchen bin and not put a new liner in I refrain from going into his office and telling him he's an idiot and to finish the job properly. I don't tolerate the word 'nagging' being used against me.

The kick for DH is dominating a woman who is fiery and opinionated. Dominating a woman who isn't is just bullying.

His home office! I don't go to his workplace!!!

As I understand it, the submissive person is actually in control in such relationships.
Because there are safe words, ie the submissive partner can say no. It's not about allowing everything!

If that's not what he means, run.

He did have a very bad upbringing, could this be a contribute of such a controlling person?

Does it matter?

Do not go there. You'll want to help him and cure him and you're hooked and you don't know how to leave.
Leave now.

submissiveness during sex play is a personal call, letting it enter other parts of your life again a personal call, there are people that are totally in to the life style, but honestly that is not what it sounds like he is in to it sounds like he want control over you it is not the same thing at all, your voice and opinions in the relationship are just as valid whether you enter in to a Dom/sub relationship or not.

OP, you moving during sx is not you doing something wrong or being dominant or whatever other bullshit he's browbeating you with, it's just being comepletely normal. Any decent bloke would be freaked out if you just lay there immobile and would find it a turn-off for you not to participate. And what's all this 'too high or too low' business?! You're not a blow-up doll for him to position on the bed as he likes, although he is treating you like one.

This man doesn't want a partner, he wants two sorts of holes: a physical one for him to fuck how he pleases and an emotional one for him to dump all his inadequacies and problems onto so that they feel bad about themselves instead of him dealing with his own shit. Also, this sort of abuser always struggles with erections, because they hate women and are so deeply inadequate and weak as people that they cannot deal with other humans being real and having any needs and their very existence causes them problems. It doesn't matter how horrible his childhood was, it's not your place to become his whipping boy to futilely try to mend him. You can't, you won't and you'll just end up broken too.

RUN FOR THE HILLS, AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN (hmmm) AS YOU CAN!