mil trouble...again, what can i do?

[beth6]

hi,
i am at the end of my tether with my mil!

i have just heard that she has yet again been slating me behind my back in front of the rest of her family at the weekend. i have been sworn to secrecy, as to say i knew would not help other relations and trust. but i dont know what to do. do i have to put up with a lifetime of her being so mean and giving me so much stress because i gave birth to her grandchildren?
my bf and i nearly split up last year because of our constant arguing about what she says and does. my bf cannot understand why or how it hurts me and then we argue. he never really takes sides...saying we are as bad as eachother. we have never had a cross word. except for last year, we were debating men and women having equal pay, and she thinks that men should be paid more and women shouldnt get maternity pay!!!! [crank].
it is a long story, but roughly this: i fell pregnant [been with bf for 6 years beforehand and were living together] and she blanked me for the whole duration, only to secretley meet bf and to try to persuade him not to have the baby. when ds was born she couldnt have put on a happier face and seemed to love him. then she has occassionally said the odd thing on the phone to bf about me, derogatory remarks to which he never fights back with and just says 'mmmm'. then i got pregnant again last year. my ds told her in january [he didnt understand it was confidential!]. i knew as bf got text from sil saying 'is ...up the duff?'! [hmm, nice eh?]. mil did not talk to bf or me until march and then wrote a card saying congrats [after knowing for 3 months]. then she phoned bf and did the same, advising him to leave me!!! [he says he did tell her not to say anything anymore, but i dont know as she nevr phones the house, or any of his family in fact anymore..its like i have been sent to coventry!] after dd was born i got a bunch of flowers. after about 8 weeks she still hadnt phoned me or come round to see dd. so i phoned her and said do you want to see dd? she said yes and came over. we saw her at xmas. and now this today!
i just want to tell her to leave me and my children alone and to stop playing cruel games. i have tried, i think i was nice to phone her, as she has been a martyr telling her family and friends that i stop her seeing her grandchildren when i do not, even though that would be ideal.
what can i do? is this the way it is until forever?

I would have it out with the old boot. Have you done anything to upset her? Sounds like she is jealous of you and her precious son.
Has she got a dh? Could be the mother son thing going on.
And if she behaves like that i certainly wouldn't want my kids to see her. They won't be missing out watching her tear shreds off their mum.

thanks, yeah i think it is a mother son thing..but it's riddiculous now. she just will not stop. i know that if i had it out with her she'd come out the 'winner' as id get stuttery and loose my cool/bottle and not say what i want to say. i also know the bf would not be happy [although im not sure i care about that anymore] with me. i dont how i would/should say what i want to say.
she has a dh [apparently perfect marriage with not one single argument...ever!] they are very old fashioned. she also has two other sons.

Nothing really helpful to say, other than whack the old bat with a brick.

nice 1 !

Well if they have never argued then they are not happy! She obviously needs a good s**g to get rid of her frustrations....
Try talking to bf about it but be forceful. Tell him it will end up you and the kids or her. If he has any sense he will sort it out. What is he? A man or a mouse....
I had probs with Mil, not as bad but bad enough so told dh and he sorted it all out and always takes my side. Even if i'm wrong.

I have as little to do with mine as possible now. I make no arrangements, I make no phone calls. DP takes 2 of our 3 to see her for an hour on a saturday morning while I take our other one to ballet. This works and I have no plans to make it more than this. I agree with willow2, a smelly old fish in the face is too good.

yes id love to say that. but we can no longer talk about it as we get sooooo wound up about it. i think he thinks we can carry on by me just 'accepting' the way she is and pretend evrything is fine.

how do you cope when mil is out of order to you?

I bite my lip til we get home and then tell dh what she has done. He tells me to ignore it but if she does it again (which she always does!) he then tells her off like a child. Then she behaves for a few months....

god, wow! he sounds nice and understanding. that is how id like bf to behave, but i dont think he ever will. hes even planning on spending a small fortune on a holiday for them!! [like she deserves it!]

I've played at "happy families" with my ILs for nearly 13 years and put up with their moods and tantrums. Our DHs/DPs have to stand up for us but like yours, mine won't and it's actually got to the point where I don't expect him to now. He's so scared of his parents that he'll twist things round to make it my fault and will put their feelings before mine and the childrens. After years of getting frustrated, rows, me in tears, me just keeping quiet etc, I have as little to do with them as possible. I don't answer the phone, I don't make an effort and I certainly don't take DDs (their only grandchildren) to see them. So they only see them every 3-4 months and if they don't like it then I don't want to hear about it. Really, I've put a "barrier" up and I don't really care what DH or his parents think. DH should have stood up to them and his parents should have been nicer.

If you can't talk about to dh/cow MIL without getting too distressed to make your points, would writing a letter help? You could write a note to your dh about what exactly it is she does and how unhappy she makes you, and what you want to happen (like he tells her he will not listen to any complaints about you. Full stop, ever - if she starts, he'll put the phone down. For example).

And/or write a letter to her spelling out the same things. Just writing the letters might help, even if you then decide not to send them.

HTH

Snap! i too have been invoved for that long and it all sounds so familiar! ive tried writing letters but it gets thrown back in my face and then bf says 'you are as bad as eachother'!

i know if she wasnt family id have nothing to do with her ever. she sees the kids once every three months too, sometimes more, but that is alot in my opinion and enough to stir up trouble between us, as are phonecalls in between.
i feel like i cant be worth much to bf as he lets her get away with it and dosnt understand how i feel.
what is wrong with these mils ?!!
thank you all so much, its a shame there are so many of us in the similar boats.

beth I wouldnt argue with your bf over your mil and his family
i would leave them to it

There will come a point when something will be said and your bf will snap and then he will deal with it in his way
until that moment you will be seen as a moan and a nag

I suggest you just keep away and make it known to bf that any of his family are welcome to visit at your home anytime
that way nothing can be misconstrued
as it will be on your bf's shoulders
iykwim
good luck
xxx

I am having major problems with my MIL too, she seems to have gone completely off the rails since we announced we were expecting. I think she is upset as she will no longer be the most vulnerable person in her son's life! She sent me a vicious e-mail attacking me about all sorts of things - which has an element of humour to it, because I was not even party to some of these "incidents". Anyway my instinct was to defend myself, and write back but then I decided to not even acknowledge her battiness. After all, it is hard to wage war on someone when they just do not respond. Luckily my DH can see her for what she is and has told her to not contact me again whilst I am pregnant. My opinion would be to try and ignore her (difficult I know), keep her at arm's length. The rest of the family can probably see for themselves what is going on, and think she is a bat too!!!