Utter despair...

[moonfacebaby]

I am lost. I can't see a way to make it right.

My H had an affair with some 26 year old idiot that didn't mind his ring or his daughter & the new baby. He betrayed me in a way that I never thought he would - he was always such a good, kind man & I just dont know who he is anymore.

The affair lasted for just over 3 months - there were declarations of love, him having never felt like this before & the best sex he's ever had. He dumped her when I found out.

6 months on he is still here. Life has been further complicated by his dad being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I have read emails between him & his counsellor where he told him that he isn't attracted to me but was overwhelmingly attracted to his OW. I told him about this & he said that he only emails him when he is at rock bottom - he knows that he has been attracted to me & that all the tough times we've had have maybe damaged that connection (several miscarriages).

He left for a month to try to sort his head out. He came back & seems depressed & overwhelmed. I am slowly crumbling - I feel trapped. I'm trying to get a life & hang in here, but I feel like things are just shit.

I asked him to leave at the weekend. But then we talked more & agreed that he should stay. Despite the situation, I feel bad about asking him to leave because of his dad.

Affection is down to nothing. He will give me a peck on the cheek when he leaves for work & he gave me a hug when I was a bit stressed at the weekend.

He claims that he didn't leave me for her because he knows that there is something about us that keeps him here. According to him, she could have been just anyone, the relationship didn't have legs & her talk about a future freaked him out.

The year before the affair was very stressful for him. We had a fairly good marriage but I think we were on autopilot, taking each other for granted. He is deeply sorry that he didn't just talk to me about this & he is remorseful & incredibly guilty about the affair & what it's done to us & me.

He is confused about whether he wants this marriage. He hasn't let go of the feelings he has for her, although he does wonder whether it's more a case of how she made him feel. The usual ego massage, adoration - it would appear to be pretty standard in an affair (and so scripted & cliched).

I know that I should tell him to go. Get out of this limbo. All of this isn't the man I know. It would be so much easier if he was working damn hard to make things right or if he just left. But this limbo state is wearing me down.

It looks awful, doesn't it? There have been moments of hope - when he told me that he wants us to move forward, go to places we've never been to. He told me, over & over, that he loved me one night. But those are few & far between now. It's like he's shutting down - I don't think he can cope with this & his dads illness.

I know that some of you will tell me to kick him out & maybe you are right. I find myself wishing that I could just disappear.

I do have good days & I can balance things out. I guess I'm having a very bleak day. I just don't know if he's worth all of this. I want him to fight for me. But he's doing that bloke thing - shutting down, disappearing into his "cave". I read somewhere that men can't process emotions as quickly as women can.

He was always my rock. I could always count on him. I fell in love with him because he was such a good, kind, honest & beautiful man. Does all of this mean he isn't? Or did he lose his way? How do good, kind people deceive their spouses - the people that trust them & love them? He is flawed - we all are. He regrets what he has done - but why can't he make it right?

Has anyone had to deal with this? Does this kind of situation ever turn out well?

The bit about him imagining you dying and then feeling sentimental about your relationship is pretty grim.

If it really takes the idea of your death to make him appreciate you, he really doesn't love you as he should.

"I'd be sad if you died" isn't really saying much, is it?

Did he really expect you to be pleased by that revelation?

Yes, separating might prove to be an opportunity and not a threat to you.

I'm also thinking that this is in fairness to him too. He needs to work out whether he really wants a relationship with you as much as you need the space to work out what you really want.

When things are an ambivalent mess and the talking and learning has stopped, something fairly dramatic needs to happen to kick-start the next phase.

In terms of practical issues and emotional support, what are the barriers to separating? Can you co-parent from two separate homes? Can you afford to remain where you are and he rents elsewhere? Will your house if owned have to be sold or could you take a mortgage payment holiday/short-term interest only option? What about work and child-care?

Have you told your life supporters such as friends and family and will they rally round?

I do think his emails to his counsellor should be private though - or did he give you permission to read them?

It sounds like a tough situation to be in.

It appears he has you over a barrel, he is calling the shots...and why is his father's illness in any way relevant? Should you cut him some slack and be the supportive wife whilst he dithers whether or not he loves you?

I think ths situation can only work out well if you start cawing ack some control. At the moment you are powerless. In your shoes, I would make him leave, say he owes you that so YOU can sort your head out.

Then start making plans for a life without him, look at oppotunities ( different job? or would you prefer to live closer to friends and family? Think about YOU).

I bet you, as well, that the more independent you become, and less in need of him, the more he will be interested in you. And if he does not miss you, at least you have the beginnings of a new life, new plans that do not involve him.

That is what I would do.

Not cawing ack, but clawing back, sorry for typos

I really feel for you. How awful for you. Seems to me that what you want is for the affair not to have happened and for him to love you as a wife.

The first no one can do anything about. The second, he can. Is he really proving himself to you right now?

You've already answered that. How badly do you need to stay married?

Charbon - he does blame himself for having an affair, and does accept responsibility for that. But he does think that the condition of our marriage contributed to him doing what he did.

I get that. But I also see, from lots of research, that people who have affairs justify them by essentially looking for all the bad stuff about their marriage. I personally wouldn't have an affair as I couldn't stand the guilt & deception. My H had the opportunity - with working away - and with the stress of the year before & a sense of some dissatisfaction with the marriage, it happened.

He recognise this & that plain old lust was a driver too. I think he thought he was going to leave me but when it all came out, he couldn't. He still can't work out exactly why because there is a bond between me & him. Whether its strong enough to save this marriage, I don't know.

The sense of loss may focus him. I think he wanted that when he left for a month but it still didn't come. He came back, I told him he could go. Whenever I do that, he visibly panics & then wants to stay. But he can't step up to the mark, so to speak.

He has told me that he is frightened of giving me too much hope because how he feels changes day by day. Even in his counselling sessions, he is stagnating. Someone said upthread that he is flaky - yes, he is! I have often joked throughout our marriage that he is "half-a-job" man & he is certainly living up to his name.

I don't get the indecisiveness. Yes, I am, at times ambivalent too. But I also am pragmatic & realistic - marriages require work. When you've been with someone for 14 years, it isn't all lust, roses & constant joy. It's settled & you have to work at it.

He knows that. But I guess he had a taste of the infatuation of an affair, an escape from real life. Now he's having to face up to the fallout & he's been coming down off the high of an affair. He just doesn't trust any of the negative stuff that he think about us.

I've just been through this - H (of 13 years) had an affair with a colleague 10 years younger than me. He did the whole couldn't decide thing on me too, and seemed to be of the view that he could keep his options open for as long as it took him to make up his mind. It was all about him basically.

My advice, walk away, start making a life for yourself without him and start divorce proceedings. If it's just a wobble that will focus his mind and he will change his tune and really commit to you again. If there is nothing to salvage you'll know.

The worst thing you can possibly do for yourself or your marriage is to give him free reign to do what he wants and behave like he has all the options in the world and you will just be there for him whatever.

My H dropped the OW like a hot potato practically the second he got my lawyer's letter. I'm not saying yours necessarily will, I'm saying you have to put yourself first and force the issue or he'll mess you about for ever.

I shouldn't have read his emails to his counsellor. I have access to his email since the affair & I stupidly read them. He was upset & said that he didn't want me to know about that stuff, as he's not even sure that is the reality of the situation. He only emails him when he's feeling very down & confused.

My counsellor is great - gives me some clarity, but it's a tough situation.

I know that I need to take control back. Most people seem to agree that his dads illness shouldn't be a factor for him staying. I guess that part of me hates to see how upset he is about his dad & he was supportive of me with the miscarriages. I suppose, in some way, I feel that I owe him that support. It's just a shame that the stupid twat had an affair & that now he doesn't necessarily deserve my support.

I also know that me building more of a life will help. My counsellor has told me to get a life! I need to get a job & am actively looking for teaching work. I've started a creative writing course which I love. I am taking steps to take my focus off this mess, as I've had too much time to think about it
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I am finding this helpful. It has calmed me down, so thank you. I need to sit down with him in the next few days & calmly discuss this.

I think when human beings do something that we know to be wrong, it's understandable that we try to find reasons for why we did it. It's quite a powerful salve to the conscience to say "I wouldn't have had an affair if I was happy at home" but I'm not sure how he can know that with any certainty and because an infidelity choice is very personal to the individual, it's never the whole story. If he's someone who self-soothes when times are tough (either personal, non-marriage related or during a bad relationship patch) then that's more to do with his individual personality and character, than anything you could or couldn't have done as his wife.

I think you might find it helpful to do something practical and concrete. Sort some childcare and get working again, as this will open up a new world and different life perspective. Work out in practical terms how you will manage financially and as parents if you separate. I'm sure your counsellor has suggested that option to you, but I sense you're not yet ready to give yourself permission to do that yet?

I did suggest to him that he could have had an affair even if our marruage was amazing, as people do. The whole thing is very out of character for him. He was always so trustworthy, so I'm pretty sure that there are lots of complex reasons why he did it.

We have already looked at finances & discussed how we will parent. I am desperate to get a job - its proving to be a bit tricky to find part-time teaching work for my specialism. I'm hoping that something will come up soon. I am also looking into volunteering to help out at my DD's school in the mean time. I could just do with something a little less "mumsey"!!

You're both trying to maintain a sense of normality for the sake of your dd. but what is that normality? Is it joyous? Gay? Confident? Spontaneous? Happy? Filled with love? Or is it a bit tense, fragile, careful to keep things on an even keel, afraid of what might happen if true feelings are expressed, falsely bright and cheery, tired, worn out, worn down, uncertain?

What exactly is the normality you are carefully preserving? The one she's drinking in with her breakfast milk? That's the one she's going to be emulating when she wants to settle down herself.

Is it good enough for her?

Does it have to be part-time? Do you have to go back to teaching or could you use those skills in other jobs e.g local authority education department, private tutoring? Or something completely different? If you want to stay in teaching, how could you gain skills in a different specialism? Often what helps is to think laterally and not to restrict yourself to old choices.

If you want to volunteer, what about other organisations that might provide a stepping stone to a job?

This is a very good time to reinvent yourself and think what you really want to do in life. I know there are restrictions such as finances and childcare, but it sometimes helps to start from utopia and work downwards.

Sometimes too, the 'waiting for something to turn up' phase is a way of bargaining inertia in ourselves. I think if you were proactive about your goals, it could really help you when so much else seems to be out of your control.

Glad to hear you are already working on rebuilding your own life.

I would also get some legal and financial advice to help take away some of the fears you have of single parenthood. I would look at 50:50 child access if the DC are not too young so that he still gets to be a proper father and you will have a better chance of getting a decent job and social life.

It must be a horrible situation to live with - there is no way I could have coped with this lack of commitment and this level of ambivalent

Jux - honestly, it's not been too bad in terms of DD. We still laugh together, have nice family time & be respectful & courteous around each other. If anything, he got better after the affair was outed - he was a grumpy, short tempered git during it.

I think she would be ok if we split - she's confident & well-loved & I know we'd handle it as best we could, with her in mind. Her dad has worked away for 5 years, so maybe it wouldn't be as much of a shock for him to leave.

Yes, I know I need to think a little more laterally regarding work. It's only been the last month that i've even been able to consider it. Private teaching is a no-no - art & textiles is my area, so not much call for that. I could consider setting up my own thing - short course in the local community centre - but I feel slightly intimidated by the amount of effort to set it up & it would involve evenings, to be successful, which are a bit tricky.

I did a 2 day workshop at my DD's school a few years ago - it was very successful & there is a directory that I could get in, so other schools could book me for those kind of sessions.

I guess I am a bit nervous & feeling slightly fragile, so I want the familiarity of what I know to ease myself back into work.

I couldn't do full-time - unless I had to - as Dd2 is just a year old. I really wouldn't want her to go to nursery all week. She goes for 2 days & I'd be happy to go up to 3. But I may have to go full-time. It would cost a bloody fortune too!

Teaching is my preference too as it pays fairly well for part-time work.

But, I am prepared to consider other things.