Making divorce easier on kids in lead up to Xmas - dont know what to do.

[ickywickyyicky]

Now we are nearly in November, and DD has started Xmas carols at school, I can't help thinking I don't want her to associate Xmas with us breaking up. I've found out yet more stuff - says keeps trying to hide things because he doesn't want to lose us ..... Anyway I can't see how I can stay. But we have loads of stuff to untangle (work together) to be able to go our separate ways - and have nowhere (nor finances) for him to move out and rent somewhere.

I just feel sorry for him for being such a pathetic excuse of a man - and my main priority is DD, and making sure he gets help to be a decent father to her even if he's been a shit of a husband

She is aware - and when it first came out blamed me - so really really can't bear the thought of having Xmas with her telling me that I drove him away and ruined her Xmas. :-(

Maybe I'm procrastinating in the hope he will finally shape up and deal with his problems, but is looking increasingly unlikely ....

I am a HOY in a middle school and regularly support pupils who are going through the break up of their parents' marriage. My biggest piece of advice is to sit down with your partner and make a plan for xmas as adults. Do it without her being around so she can not overhear incase things get heated, decide what you want to do for her and then tell her what the plan is. Please, whatever you do, do not leave it up to her to decide. I can not tell you the amount of times that I have had children in my office sobbing because they have been given a choice as to whom to spend xmas/birthday/special event with and they just cant decide because they do not want to upset anyone. I completely understand that the parents feel they are doing the right thing by giving their child a little control, but honestly, it is torture for them. They love both parents so much and really worry that if they say that they want to stay at home with mum that dad will think less of them and vice versa. Make a plan, tell your dd, take any 'its not fair' outbursts on the chin and just support her through it. Tell her that you and dad are still a team, even if you are no longer a couple, and you both want her to be happy and healthy. Tell her that you will help her get used to the new situation and that things will get easier, but you all have to support each other.
If you can make it so that Christmas is planned and she knows when she will be seeing each of you then it might be easier for her. Good luck, I hope it all works out.