How bad is this? Worth finishing with him over? Can't decide.

[Getagripp]

Have been with my boyfriend for most of this year. We see each other 4 or 5 times a week and get on well.

I found out on Sunday evening that he has been texting a woman from work. It had been going on for 4 or 5 days. He had told me about her, she had made it clear she fancied him. i was a little thrown but he assured me he didn't fancy her and that he wasn't interested in 'that' way.

Anyway, he told me that they were in email contact at work but nothing more. Last week my instinct started kicking in and I became convinced that they were messaging away from work. Just 'felt' it but tried to convince myself I was being paranoid.

So Sunday evening I sent him a message as I was sat next to him - well, a photo that I wanted him to see. He opened up his phone next to me and I saw her name. I was upset and asked to read the messages. He was reluctant as ' I would be reading them out of context ' but he handed his mobile over.

The good bit ... they were not sexual. there was no mention of meeting up or ending his relationship. he had made it clear that he was in a relationship and wouldnt have another one alongside the one he had. not many messages - as in not all day and night

the bad bit - she was very flirty. saying ' oh will we ever be single at the same time? '. kisses on the texts. him texting her saying he was bored and asking what she was up to etc. To the question ' will we be single at the same time? ' he had just made a fobbing off joke. BUT he was openly encouraging her I suppose, an active responder whilst saying he was in a relationship.

I was very upset. He apologised many times, said he had no intentions of ever doing anything < which incidentally i believe - he is not the unfaithful type > and that he had been stupid and not thought properly. He sent her a message saying I had seen the messages, that he had been stupid and that he would no longer be messaging her in that kind of way... < they have to email at work though as although they dont work in the same building, she organises something as does he > she replied with an apology for causing us problems and confirmed she wouldnt message him again.

He has apologised a million times. Reassured me he will not do this again and asked me to trust him again. Said he appreciated what he had done wrong etc...

But I still feel shit. I have said all i can say on the subject, as has he. I cant keep asking for reassurances or an apology can I? he has apologised countless times already.

Am I over reacting? Like i said, nothing sexual. I'd call the messages ' flirty banter ' at most.

[Abitwobblynow]

Hmmm.... good point. I had overlooked that short period of time...

Bin him.

[WhoNickedMyName]

I agree with AThing ...

But him the Shirley Glass book as a parting gift.

[WhoNickedMyName]

*buy not but

[panicnotanymore]

If they work together it will be very hard for you to be sure this has stopped, and very easy for them to start it up again. I'd get rid. After such a short time you should still be in the all over each other loved up phase, so if he has started this now you can imagine what your life will become if you stay with him.

[Getagripp]

Started seeing him in march. 7 months in.

I know I know

I truly am an idiot with low self esteem.

Bit of a blow, that.

[Getagripp]

They work in offices miles apart

If he says he won't message her - he won't . I'm fairly sure on that. However - I still comes back to why he did in the first place . Although I know that too

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

ah, I thought I might be being generous with the 8 months

erm, you are not an idiot

you are only 7 months in...early days before you sussed him out

think of it like that

this stuff takes years for some people to "get"

[Getagripp]

I am an idiot sadly : ) I have form for putting up with poor, life sucking relationships . I know the reason why I do it and one of these days I will absolutely get on top of it

Just not today

[Abitwobblynow]

Get, it took the AGONY of my husband and father of my 4 children having a 2 year affair conducted in my house, on my side of the bed, for me to grow up and start doing the work to get a sense of self...

I am the wrong side of 50. Do it now sweetheart. You will have to do it in the end xxx

[Getagripp]

Bloody hell abitwobbly

Hope you're sufficiently recovered now

[olgaga]

I'd like to recommend another book which you might find useful. It's a brilliant help in any situation where you need to communicate effectively and assertively, and it will really boost your confidence too:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/offer-listing/0704334208/ref=dp_olp_all_mbc?ie=UTF8&condition=all&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Abitwobblynow]

Getting there, Gripp. But I think the biggest MN advice you can be given is 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them'.

And yours is starting a biiiiiit soon with the devalueing and disrespect, to be honest with you. What he did was disrespectful and devalues you - don't kid yourself about it.

They are not worth it, really. Work on yourself, be the best person you can be. When you are more whole and healthy, you become attracted to more whole and healthy people in turn.

[geegee888]

I feel sorry for the woman. Hes obviously stringing her along, purely for the attention. You don't know what he has said to her at work in order to make her think she is in with a chance. Certainly he has said enough to make her think he is attracted to her...

[Offred]

I'm not sure there is much inherently wrong with flirting per se. What is bad is pretending you are not flirty/flirting whether that is using lies manipulation. I'm flirty but I'm not secretive about it and I don't reserve it for particular people either.

The other thing that's bad here is the total self-involvement and the telling her you've put a stop to it which is an invitation to continue in a medium other than texts which shows his true feeling is one of being sorry about being caught out not of being sorry.

[Offred]

And I agree with geegee, he is leading her on.

This is a new relationship and he clearly isn't a keeper, cut him loose now and save yourself from more pain. He sounds exactly like a cheater I'm afraid; self involved, secretive, narcissistic...