Tina Nash describes how a relationship can descend into DV

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Womans Hour interview

The woman who had her eyes gouged out in the final attack of her violent partner describes the way the abusive relationship developed and some details of the attack itself which others may find upsetting. Four months into the relationship he pushed her over. After a week apart she took him back because he told her some sob story and she felt sorry for him. Four months later he violently assaulted her. They split up for several weeks. Friends told her he was a 'psycho'. The police provided a panic button. When asked why she kept taking him back.

I felt sorry for him. He made it sound like he was a victim

It was a steady progress. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't like I met him on the first night and he hit me and I stayed with him. It didn't happen like that. I fell in love with him.

And in reply to 'how many chances did you give him' she says she can't even remember... one a week she guesses. A cautionary tale and well worth a listen.

Cogito ....Listened to it today , also watched that program last night. It's RL horror stories like these that makes me glad I left violent ex all those years. Definitely did the right thing and hoping women in this situation will know that abuse will always escalate with such partners. Get out Now is the message really.

ago

Thanks Cog just listened to it.

thanks cog
i'll listen to it later, ive just got out of what i could see becoming an abusive relationship after giving chances and getting into that vicious cycle. I'll listen to it later to keep me strong :-)

Don't think I will listen to it because I can't bear to but thanks for link anyway. It's just stomach churning to think of what she has been through. It just shows how much he had messed with her head. I really relate to what she says about how he always painted himself as the victim - my violent ex was the same, as were my parents (emotional abuse).

When I was first with my violent ex and he was showing his true colours, I spoke to a friend about how I was feeling and I said that I wasn't sure he was worth it. She said 'it's not about what he's worth, it's about what you're worth'. I didn't listen at the time but she was so right.

Tina's story is one of extreme violence but I noticed that her reasons for sticking around and taking her abuser back are exactly the same ones that I read here so often when a partner, although not violent, is behaving in a very cruel, controlling, bullying, emotionally or financially abusive manner. I suppose what I'm saying is that the nature of the abuse becomes almost irrelevant. If anyone's tolerating any form of poor behaviour and becomes conscious that they are rationalising it for the same kind of reasons as Tina, that's the thing to take away from the interview.

'I suppose what I'm saying is that the nature of the abuse becomes almost irrelevant'

That's true Cogito, and some people who are living with abuse minimise it by thinking 'oh well it's not that bad because he doesn't hit me' or 'he shouts at me but he never swears' or whatever. I think that putting up with any kind of abuse stems from seeing yourself as less important than the other person - I'm not victim blaming at all, I'm a DV survivor myself but I can see how my parents' emotional abuse trained me not to pay attention to my own feelings and to always put other people first. They key message should be to trust your own feelings (easier said that done for many of us) and put yourself first.