"You're rushing me" / "let's get married!" / "it's moving too fast" / "lets buy a house!" WHY???

[CabbagePatchWoman]

Partner and I have been together about 9 months (but known each other longer) and throughout these 9 months he's persistently wobbled between wanting it all to more or less wanting to break up. It drives me insane. A few months ago he told me he wanted to live with me and as the location of the house was more important for me, I should start looking in to what is available. I had a brief look on the internet, fed back what I'd found only for him to say "yeah but all that is months away, it's too soon yet for us to be thinking about that" - so why ask me to do that then??

So I forgot about it and then a few weeks later he was saying "When I get my deposit together, you ARE moving in with me, arn't you?" - I replied with "you said it was too soon" and he said "nooo I meant it would be too soon to do it right now, in a few months though when I have saved up my deposit?"

So I got confused - and half heartedly agreed that we could think about it then.

Then - he asked me to marry him (not a proper proposal to be fair, seemed half hearted and a bit of a joke so I laughed and asked if he was being serious - he said "no, we hardly know each other!" - what a cuntish thing to do??!!

So I cooled it right off in my head, too many mind games. So we went out one night, he got drunk and started more or less saying that I was rushing him into things and if I wasn't happy with the slow pace HE wanted to travel at, we'd have to break up. So confused!! I said it's not ME that keeps going on about moving in together, it's HIM. So he said "yeah well if that's the case, just take what I say with a pinch of salt, I just get excited about our relationship sometimes I speak bullshit".

So again, I cool it right off in my head. 2 weeks later, we're driving somewhere and he starts going on about houses and says "well, if we're going to be together, we might as well live together? you still want that, right?"

What the fuck is he trying to do to me???? I just said "well we'll see how it goes shall we, don't want to rush into anything

Now, I started a new job yesterday, was nervous as hell, tired as fook when I got in (13 hour shift) and all I could think about all day was how nice it would be to go home to him

What IS he trying to do to me?? or is it me?? do men often say stuff they don't mean and therefore is it my fault for taking it too seriously?

He wants to be in control of your relationship completely.

He brings out the big guns, you reply positively, he can relax. knowing you are hooked. Then he treats you like shit till he senses he needs to reel you in, then it's the big guns again.....

Then when you don't reply the way he wants you to he becomes a needy whining baby.

Dump him now, he's a mentaller.

Go and read some stuff on Baggage Reclaim, starting with this:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-men-blow-hot-and-cold/

I thought I recognised this. Get rid OP. You know you need to.

Please dump this man.

Yes, thought this sounded familiar! Why put yourself through all this when there are plenty of decent men out there who say what they mean and don't mess around playing mind games? If you dump him quickly enough you can find someone else to go on the holiday with.

how do you know it's the same poster?
I'm not suggesting you are wrong, just rubbish at spotting these things and wondered how you knew?

The whole point of his behaviour is to train you, like a rat in a maze, to focus on nothing apart from Keeping Him Happy So He Doesn't Leave. The idea is that you forget what you might want or need, everything's about pleasing him.

Thing is, you don't need him. You'd be a lot better off single. And once you've binned him, you might like to think about how and why you became so desperate not to be single that you bothered with this buckethead.

Sorry to say he is using you to fuel his ego.

He doesn't see you as a seperate entity in your own right with your own feelings you are just there to validate him.

It could be because he's horribly damaged or because he's a grade A arsewipe. It doesn't matter the result for you will be a rapid decline in your self confidence and mental health.

He is not capeable of making you happy because for whatever the reasons he cannot see your needs beyond his own.

It won't get any better just worse and will leave you suspiscious about the motives of everyone you meet if you let it continue. Leave now before it damages you permanently.

Dump him.

He is a drama queen who expects your attention to be fixed permanently on him and to that end he is performing constantly.

Do you need this in your life? It won't stop if/when you finally pin him down.