Try one more time

[behappynomatterwhat]

Dear All,
I would like to ask some support there to help me to stay strong in next month. Here is the story...

I stom out the house and temporary stay with my friend with my 6 years old a week ago, because I felt I can not stay in a relationship with husband anymore. The act was sudden regardless anyone else's feeling and needs. The reason is that I felt he has no respect for me in front of the children and neglect my feelings and needs. We've been together for 12 years, married after I gave birth to my 6 year old. We are living with a 14 years old boy, who is from my husband's previous marriage. The ex-wife left him when the boy was 1 and the ex-wife gave him back to him 2 years later. The boy stayed with us since and he has almost no contact with with the ex-wife. I care for him as my son since. We also have 6 years old, a girl who is really loving and beautiful. I worked two jobs and earned double then my husband does. I pay for everything in the house, and being a hard working mother struggle work and child care.

My husband is a lovely man and we have some good moments. But he always doubt my commitment and complain about my mood swing. He disagreed with me in front of the children, and disrespected me. I felt I was undervalued and unappreciated.

By the way, after I left, I was feeling very confused. I went back to the house after several days, we made up and once again I felt there is love between us. But I said I have to give myself some head space, he agreed. Couple days later, he angry again and doubt my commitment and shouted at me on the phone and brought up all his anger again about my leaving. I can't help to argue with him and felt being attacked by his abusive behaviour. I started to look for house because I think I should move on. However, the 6 years old told him, and he flipped again, which I can understand.
Despite all this, now I decided to go back to the house regardless he agreed or not, because:

1. I don't want my 6 years old living in a temporary accommodation, it felt cold and lonely.
2. I want to give the relationship another go
3. deal with the separation properly if it does not work.

I am going to set myself 3 months to see how it goes. Change my behaviour and hope to see if there is positive changes between us. My husband never asked me back and have a lot of anger in him because my leaving (especially his ex walk out on him). I don't have a lot of hope about this relationship because I know no matter how hard I try, I can not change him because his experience with his ex. I can not let go the fact that we do love each other in certain entend and regret that the way how I act in leaving him in the first place and it wasn't the best for my children. Please do support me to stay strong, I promise myself to do the following:

1. don't engage with any argument with him in front of the children
2. be calm in the house
3. not to let him to take advantage of me
4. try to spend quality time together as couple
5. to regain his trust, but not begging for it.
6. to regain my trust to him, by focusing on his positive behaviour
7. be strong and clever

I am not sure how this work, please share yours story with me if you have any similar experience. I need some support out there so I can stay strong and do I promise to do.

It will take both if you working together you cannot improve things all by yourself I hope he will try too.

Can I suggest you formulate Plan B as well? Perhaps save some money, explore how you'd manage if you left etc?

I suggest you start talking to each other.

I suggest you ignore comments like talk to him. It won't make a bit of difference.

I suggest the only talking you do that will make any happy change in your life will be to call womans aid.

Your 6yo is better off in temporary accomodation than in the middle of the.environment you describe.

Ask yourself, you leave because of HIS behaviour, but you are.going back now saying.that you will change YOUR behaviour. :S

If thos man was so concerned.about.not losing you, like he did with his 1st wife, why would he abuse you (too)?

Leaving him was.the very best decision you ever took.in your.life so far.

Keep posting, please? You are.going to need every word of support.

Thanks everyone, I am delighted someone out there to support me. I am nervous in thinking about going back to the house tonight. 'stay strong' is going to be in my head all times! I am going to pick up my girl, go straight back to the house before they come home. Cook my dinner as usual. I know I am not going to have a good time and he is going to give me such a hard time... I am rehearsing my interaction with him... it is going to be hard, very hard... everyone out there please stay with me ... will post soon. xx

You don't have to live like this, you don't have to put your dc through this.

It will harm them.

Please stay with friends? You need time to think.

Last night was horrible. He back and shock, and horrible to my dc, making dinner for him and his son and not even offer to dc. I sit her down and asked it will be nice that if she have dinner with you and I eat later. after kids went to bed, I try to calm him down, he said he never trusted me again and I blown it... blar blar blar... I said I am not back to have hope to come back, but try to make the situation calm so we can sort things out... we went to bed, and everything seems back to normal.. I then woke up early as I can't sleep.. I was downstair... guess what... he checked my phone that I left by my bedside table and saw message from a guy that I swap number last weekend... I didn't reply any message... of course.. this just happen, and seems all went pear shape.. He accused me unfaithful, that's what we do as single mum. pick up guys whatever.. ok. He should have trusted me rather than check on me. He is always like that even before the break up.. he is controlling and suspicous, thinking all woman have to go out pick up guys... I actually felt trap in the relationship, I wasn't who I am... I am honest and faithful woman and I can't see anything wrong have a night out with friends and have a good time.. I've never unfaithful to him.. I didn't event put password on my phone, I couldn't careless because I have done nothing wrong. I am feeling sick.. and I think it is time to really go for good.. should really take time to look for accommodation.

You might find this useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

Wait, do I rightly understand that the 6 year old is his child too? But he wouldn't offer her any dinner because... what? She's being punished because her mother took her away? Does he just despise all women, including his own little girl, or does he regard children as little offshoots, without will or personality of their own, who can fairly be punished for the sins of the mother? Actually, even if it wasn't his own daughter it's pretty bad to treat any 6yo with such contempt. This would not appear to be a nice man.

The great Lundy Bancroft, in Why Does He Do That?, says that abusive men tell you about The Woman Who Hurt Him so you will try extra hard not to be like that woman, and see all abuse in the light of "well he can't help it, he was so badly hurt before", so you end up putting up with far more than you should. It's actually an excuse to behave badly towards women. It also confuses cause with effect. He's not paranoid and controlling because she ran away; she ran away because he was paranoid and etc. You see? The truth may never be known for certain, of course, but I'd place a small bet on it.

I rang womanaid today.. not sure if he is abusive, but certainly he is controlling. here is our email exchange:

HIM, I can not believe you check my phone, I have nothing to hide and I don't even have password on. I have done nothing wrong, even I swap number... I am not sure why I did that, but I didn't reply or do anything, which you can tell from the message..
Your anger does make me wonder why you care? anyway.. I am going to stick here for a while. I have to get the router, because I need to work..I am not being nasty, but you took it away just really childish, don't you think so?... let's just be civilize to each other.. nothing I want to do to wind you up.. I am asking you sincerely, so we all can live in a peaceful house. I will appreciate if you do try to be peaceful. No point to try to do anything to hurt me or my feeling.. It is not going to be good for any body, please just think about the kids and your own well-being, as well as mine.
Thanks, (me)

Here is his reply:
I do not know you at all - or trust you in the slightest - 5 days after walking out on me - you are in a bar chatting to guys at 2 in the morning - and swapping numbers - what a bloody joke - and exactly what I would expect from someone like your friend - but you - really totally pathetic behaviour - and I really have had enough !!

You have completely lost my trust ... and don't worry - I am very calm while I type this - seeing your phone just confirmed exactly what I thought anyhow ... everything you do revolves around YOU - it not about the kids/family or anything - just what ever you want!!

I should return his text if I were you - sounds like a great chance waiting ! I am sure your girl-friends would totally agree .

Just leave.

It is been 3 months since I returned home after I left my husband for two week.. We said we try again, but thing does not work out. During the last three months, I started to truly realised that he doesn't love me and I don't love him. We had very violent argument and I don't think I care anymore, and I want him out of my life.. and today I actually asked him to move out. But it hurts so much, and I don't want to upset my 7 years old daughter.. I hide from her, and make sure she does not involve at all.. She thinks her mom and dad love each other very much. I am starting to get very depress again and I don't think I can do anything else to bring me and my husband together. I don't want to be the one that put a hold of my life, just for the hope that our marriage can be saved and for a man that does not love me. When I read website about living in separation, how much I realised that my husband had already act like separation for very long time. I lived with him, but he seems like living in separate life and he did not ring to tell me when he came home or what he did. He stop care for a very long time indeed, ask me to keep my stress out of the house, and often very rude to me, no respect for me in front of my children. How stupid I was not to realised that he does not love me for all this time.. I am confused by him when he acts like being needy and demanding, I thought that's because I have not done enough to ensure him I love him. But in fact, he is a very selfish man, and does not really care about me. Wish me luck and being the one try to end all this stress. I will be asking him to move out, if he refuse, I will need to living with him in separation for a while for my little daughter, until she is older. That's the only way to go rather than divorce. You may think I should just move out, however, I tried that, move out, but no good, he to call me all the time. But I know this is not good.. and there should be other option? Anyone out there has the same struggle? what should I do? I am not happy, and do not love him any more.