Relate - experiences, views, opinions please!

[Verso]

I have finally managed to persuade my husband that our problems are serious enough to merit going to Relate. One of our (many) problems is the way we handle money differently (nothing new there, I'm sure). Anyway - we're now booked, but I find it slightly ironic that the fee of £50 per hour is non-negotiable for evening sessions (because we both work we HAVE to go in the evening). This is even when I explained it would be difficult for us because we have to pay babysitting fees on top (min charge £24 for four hours) because we have no one living locally who can help us out, and certainly not longer-term.

The counsellor said she would consider reducing the fee slightly IF she decides to take us on...

So - I suppose what I'm asking is was it any use for you? Did it bring you back from the brink of separation? Also - is there any way that you can get free or subsidised help?

(I assume not, as we are both earning, but £74 per session is going to bankrupt us very quickly.)

Thanks

Can't help you I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm totally, completely astounded that it's so expensive!! My face was literally like when I read your post

Having said that, if it does save your marriage then it has to be worth it

Thanks for replying. I was pretty gobsmacked, too. It's horrendous - but then if it works...

Yes, without a doubt

Extremely helpful. (finished last week - marriage saved ) Having a third party in the room meant we could talk and things wouldn't be misinterpreted. Also took (some of) the emotion out of the situation which helped us progress and be more objective. Counsellor did quite a bit of listening and reflecting but also told us what is what and pointed out where we had unrealistic expectations or were just wrong (!) Also gave us tips on how to commuicate better. Best thing is having someone to talk to who is completely objective which you just can't get any other way. Takes a couple of sessions to get into it - first consultation is to see whether they will take you and second one is with the counsellor you'll actually have. By third session I felt we were getting value.

Hope this helps. Any other specific questions, I'll try to answer them.

Ours was £40 per 50 min session (!) but money very well spent. As my dear father said - cheaper than a divorce

You describe exactly what I'm hoping for - a neutral place where we can both say what we feel/think without it turning into an argument.

I still love my husband very much (when I'm not furious with him, that is) but my patience is wearing extremely thin and unless we sort some major things out now I don't see how we can stay together. It's horrible and will probably be very uncomfortable, but I think at least if we start working on things then we may have a future. If we don't, then I might as well leave now.

How long did it take for you to start making changes? And how long did you go for altogether? Thanks for your post. It gives me hope!

We went for 5 sessions in the end. Apparently you are supposed to go for 6 then you review with the counsellor whether you need more (you can have as many as you need - some couples go for up to a year I'm told) Ended it because we had worked through our issues, H decided he wanted to stay and we both agreed we could talk about things more openly.

It took us a month from the time of the initial consultation to the first "proper" appointment. This is quite common as they get very busy she said (especially just after Christmas...) I'd say it took us 4 or 5 weeks to start making changes. We had to calm down after the initial explosion, gather our thoughts, think about what we really wanted / needed, talk about it properly, etc. Seemed to me a slow process but, when I realise it's nearly April - don't know where the year has gone.

We decided early on that we were both committed to finding the right answer, so went to Relate pretty openly which I think speeded things up. We did things outside the session too like list the issues we wanted to discuss, write our thoughts on them and what we wanted / needed, then discussed them ourselves one at a time (barrel of laughs at our house as you can imagine!) we are both big on planning and lists which helped (but was in fact part of the problem itself

Counsellor may give you things to do outside the session (homework...) which will help you move things on as quickly as you can. Also, if you're not happy with the counsellor, you can change them. Relate also publish a series of books that mirror their counselling approach (we used the Staying together one by Susan Quilliam which was SO helpful, explained why your other half disappoints you (!) and why things break down)

And yes, it is horrible - but I've learned a hell of a lot. Need a holiday now though......

Does your H want to work things out?

Also, I didn't change until H announced he didn't want to be married anymore. Thought we were having a bad patch but head in sand re: how bad as didn't know how to deal with it. That was the wake up call - things are different now and will continue to be. It's as if we have a kind of blank slate for communicating / getting rid of bad habits. Relate helped us feel like it was a "normal" problem and was solvable (our huge crisis was something they see every day)

I had counselling last year (birth trauma) and at the time we were offered it as a couple, because the counsellor realised pretty quickly there were a lot of things we needed to sort out in our marriage or it would get to the stage it has done now. Anyway - DH refused point blank. Said that it was me needed the help for the birth, not him - couldn't see that any other problems existed.

It's taken pretty much a year to get to the stage where (your post sounded familiar on this one) I've basically asked for a trial separation unless he's willing to go to Relate. It was a horrid thing to do but he definitely had his head in the sand and I was/am completely serious. I know where me and DD could go and stay etc, have thought it through.

Anyway - I like the sound of Relate seeing our problems as normal! I also like the sound of six sessions being sufficient in a lot of cases to get big improvements. We might be able to afford that.

Oh and I had a wry smile about your 'planning and lists' comment. That's very much me in this marriage, whereas DH doesn't plan or do lists at all. It used to balance out really well - I can take it too far and his laid-back approach can be refreshing at times - but recently it's been a BIG problem because his approach doesn't work at all with money - long story.

I hope he thinks the counsellor is ok on Thursday. Part of his rejection of the NHS counsellor last year was his judgement of her as useless/flaky. In actual fact, she saved me - sounds very melodramatic, but I was desperate in the months after the birth and she helped me get myself back to normal-ish.

Rubbish.

I have been to relate twice through my marriage. THe first time it worked pretty well although i did not like or trust the counsellor. We went for a year and she ignored xs violence which I do not think many would.

THis last time we split up in the middle of it and that was mainly after a session on my own with the counsellor who said she would no longer see us as a couple as x needed help. She was one of the people who made me see that I could not continue in the relationship and that he was sabotaging counselling and also stopping me from ever being happy.

Now I am going for family counselling wiht the kids whihc has so far been very helpful. We all go and talk things through and the kids feel safe and able to say things which they wouldnt normally say to me or each other. There are two counsellors and they are helping the kids come to terms with the divorce and also with x and violent behaviour and their feelings towards x.

I do think it is luck of the draw though on who you get how it works and how well and it also helps as people have said if you go knowing what you want and how to go about getting it.

thats the same boat we are in with counselling. can't afford it. we have to use a babysitting agency too. (which isnt bad, but on a weekly basis, would be costly when combined with counselling costs)-

with relate being a supposed charity, their costs are completely crazy.

Got told last night she can reduce the fee from £50 to £45 an hour - said through sucked teeth as though it was a HUGE concession. Excuse me while I fall over with gratitude for that.

I have to say I AM grateful that my husband is at least interested in going.

Anyway, I've asked around and managed to arrange a babysitting swap for free for the next session at least so that's something.

(Oh and of course it's ME who has to organise/beg for all this, and it will be ME who returns the babysitting favour. Not that I'm bitter .)

It would almost be funny if it wasn't for the fact one of our main problems is money - I'm thrifty, he isn't. We can't budget properly for this because the counsellor couldn't tell us how long it would take to get results. Also she refused to countenance my suggestion of fortnightly sessions (slightly more affordable) because 'that's not how she works'.

So how is getting into debt supposed to help us exactly? Discuss!

I'm shocked. I came on here as my dh has FINALLY agreed to try relate (or similar) but we are in such a mess financially, I don't know if we can afford it now I've seen their prices. I didn't realise they were so high :(

Dh has been looking for work all year and we are in huge debt so I don't know where I'll find the money but I reckon we have to as it's either 'get help' or 'split up' and I do love him still!

I've contacted them and they told me £15 to register - this gives you a consultation for an hour. They said they don't charge for the counselling after that (unless you don't turn up) but recommend a donation of £40 per session as they are a charity and don't get funding. I said we were broke and she said they talk to us when we meet but that there is no charge. We'll see what happens when we go!

We were never given the impression that it was a 'donation'. Hmm. I'm a bit cross with them now!

Oh well. We have our first proper session on Thursday. If we don't seem to be making progress, we can always cancel the next appointment. Know what you mean, though, about needing help or splitting up. I just hope it works. Good luck!

I wonder if the policy on prices vary from place to place. Locally I know they charge a minimum of 30 pounds to cover the rent. However, based on your income,the "suggest" what you should pay....

They didn't ask what our income was, so must have made assumptions about us, which doesn't say much for their supposed impartiality, does it?! Tip for anyone else going - change out of your work clothes first! ;)

I went to relate but over 12 years ago. We were told it was a donation too. They suggested an amount (it was £30 a session then) but said if we had finacial problems we could discuss it with them. Things may have changed since then though.

We had three sessions then I decided I'd had enough. It was clear that dh was going to leave no matter what and I needed to do my own counselling to come to terms with that. It did help us both to see that there was only one outcome for the marriage though.

Well I did tell them on email first about our financial worries so I thought maybe that's why they said donation however their booklet came through saying the same. Having said that, it is worded in a way you feel terrible not paying it! This is what worries me!

Anyway, we'll see what happens with initial consultation - it's on Tuesday!

Will confirm what they say about it and let you know what I think of their service. :)