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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm ill, DH and I not getting on and then he says...

10 replies

earthtomummy · 28/03/2006 12:05

... I think you've been out of a job for so long you don't remember what it's like.

We've got 3 kids under 5, youngest is 1. Oldest is being assessed - poss. Aspergers / dyspraxia. I've been ill since 1st Feb - influenza, polyarthritis and now mumps. I've had a temp. since then and I've lost over a stone. I feel pants and last wk. was in bed with a temp of almost 106. DH is really busy at work and with his MSc. He thinks I don't appreciate how stretched he is and how hard he tries - which he does and I do appreciateit. Al this time I've been ill he's had only 2 days off - my mum and dad have been here loads. This wk I'm supposed to be taking it easy - he's got today off but not the rest of the wk. He wants me to ask friends to help out. He's off today but made two long calls to work. I feel really low and on top of that his mum's invited herself up next wk to help out. I find her V. stressful to be around - as does he - but he says she must come cos I'm being rude otherwise. I know it's an extra pr. of hands, but it isn't really cos she's not v. useful or practical. He told me today that I'm selfish, self-obssessed, I don;t appreciate how hard he works for us all and because I've been out of work for so long I dno't remember what the pressures are. I do the bills, the mortgage, give him every eve. and parts of the w/e for his MSc, cook every day for him, do his laundry, clean the house, care for the kids. All he has to do is go to work and everything else is taken care of. I feel like since I've been unwell we've become distanced. He's not once come up in the last few days to give me a hug. I know we're both stretched and tired, but I just don't feel supported. He's been snappy and prickly and distant, but denies this ans says I just don't get how hard he's trying. Last night was DS' school parents eve. for new parents of children goingt o mainstream school. IDH rang at 5 to say because he's having today off, he couldn't go - so I went and sat in a freezing hall for over an hour and was the only one whose partner didn't go. Perhaps I am being self-centred and unreasonable, but I just feel about as low, physically , as I can go and I'm starting to feel quite down too.

OP posts:
jmum6 · 28/03/2006 12:09

Oh dear Earth to Mummy, you're both feeling the strain and it's a case of each of you not appreciating how how it is for the other.

I've got no advice - just keep your strength up and wish you all the best.
Maybe his mum can take the children out for day trips and give you some peace and quiet, or even better get her to have the children for the day whilst you and hubby have a day out to talk and just enjoy one another.

CHICagoMUM · 28/03/2006 12:10

Sounds to me that you are both frazzled and taking it out on each other a bit. ANy chance of him taking an evening off from his studying and you can have a nice meal/bottle of wine and watch a movie. Just have a chance to spend a bit of quality time together and enjoy each others company?

edam · 28/03/2006 12:18

It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. And he has no idea what looking after three small children is like, esp. when you are ill.

Maybe you should take a day off one weekend - just arrange to be somewhere else all day - so he gets a reminder just how hard your job is. Because I doubt it's any easier than his.

PeachyClair · 28/03/2006 12:21

Snap to the ill (mumps here) / dh working his head off / ds1 with As dx underway (well fat chance but there you go). Sympathies, times many XXXX

earthtomummy · 28/03/2006 12:27

Thaks for the sympathy everyone. Sitting here in tears. Unfortunately DH won't let his mum take out the kids to town alone or let me leave her with the youngest - frankly she doesn't cope with them and is so lost in her own world she'd prob. lose one of them! I know Ill back down and tell DH how sorry I am, how I do utterly appreciate all he does, how difficult oit's been recently etc. because I just want to get things back to normal. But deep down I feel v. hurt. I also feel like walking out and leaving him with the kids for two wks (pref. whilst he has flu and a temp of 102) with no help from parents and see how he copes...

OP posts:
crumpet · 28/03/2006 12:37

Can you print this out and show it to him? It might be easier for him to realise what it is you are going through if he has to sit down and read it.

Sorry things are so tough

TinyGang · 28/03/2006 12:40

My goodness I know what three under 5 is like. No joke - especially when you are ill. Dh and I were at our most snappy with each other when ours were this age. (Him working me at home with the children.) The list of things to get done is relentless. Some days are just pure slog. You do end up taking out on each other and it all gets on top of you.

I wonder if you could kill two birds with one stone here. Could your mum could get the children out of the house when she comes to stay? That way she can be helping you without getting under your feet. Tell her you need some peace to get a few things done and to get better. Some days for me, all I needed was some space. Grandmas like playing with children anyway. Make the children her 'job' for the week. Even if she does things a bit wrong, just try and let her take over the children for a few days to give yourself a break. May

earthtomummy · 28/03/2006 12:42

normally he's really understsanding crumpet, but I think he'd feel i was being really unfair to him and he'd just get cross. I just can't be bothered to argue any more. He's usu. really laid back, but when he's frazzled he can just be q. defensive and hostile to be around, give me the silent treatment etc. I think anything I say will be misunderstood and I actuall yfeel q. cross too!

OP posts:
TinyGang · 28/03/2006 12:45

Whoops..clicked too soon there!

Started to say...Maybe you and dh could use a night out too.

Lots of sympathies though - I really know what this is like.

prettyfly1 · 28/03/2006 19:24

i think you both sound very very tired and at the end of your tether. your both probably exhausted. its not easy to run a house nor is it easy to pay for one so your both in very difficult positions. you need certainly to find out whats making you so ill and both of you from the sounds of it could do with a little work/home balance. the advice about a night of is good in the short term but you need to reassess maybe some longer term options. best of luck with getting through this and i hope you feel better soon

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