can't let go of his past

[sheepgomeep]

I met dp nearly towo years ago and we've been going out for nearly 9. I am his sixth relationship since he was 17 and its really screwing my head up. He goes from one relationship to another very quicly.. it was a week between his ex and me He had kids with the third ex who I get on quite well with but both her and his ex before me were 16 when they got together with him. He's only just turned 25 himself.

He keeps on saying to me that he only wants me now, he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and it's something he claims he never said to the others which might be true I don't know. His dd's mum said to me that in her opinion I was the best thing thats happened to him as I've changed him but I just can't get his exes out of my head.

We had a huge row last night because I brought up the subject of his first ex the one he lost his viginity too. I asked him if he loved her and he said she was my first so yes very much but she was a bitch to me. I stupidly asked if she was prettier than me. (i've got no self confidence in myself. I've got a skin disfigurment)and he said sorry but yes she was. That really really made me feel like shit i can tell you.

He also went out with her twice and although he claims he has never cheated on any of them ( i know that they have all cheated on him)there was something about the start of his dd's mums relationship and this other girl. ie he was seeing them together. She also thinks this as well as she told me she found stuff in his flat and he will never give us both a straight answer. She said she never had reason to suspect him since but it has made me really paranoid now.

How could he say those things to me. I just can't let his past go. I'm jealous of it all. sounds mad dosen't it but its tearing us apart. He says he loves me more than the others but I just can't believe him. He's sick of it all and wants to leave the past behind saying he was in his late teens and it was a mistake . How can he love me knowing he fancied his first ex more?

She may have been pretty on the outside, that does not make her a nice person.

Time to move on.

do you mean you've been with him for 9 months?

There's more to being attractive and fanciable than being pretty. She may have had a pretty face but she was a bitch to him, and there's nothing attractive about that.

He loves you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. That would tend to suggest that he finds you attractive - your looks, your mind, your attitude.

I think the problem here is your self-confidence rather than anything your dp has done. Maybe if you can address your low self-esteem you would feel better about yourself and this kind of stuff wouldn't matter.

BTW this is just my opinion after reading your OP!
Firstly, I think you need help (in a nice way) You strike a lot of similarites with me. Even though I know my DH loves me, I still wonder if he would think about his ex, I think she must've been prettier than me. I know for one that she was thinner. However, unlike yours, my DH has never said anyhting horrible to me.
Whilst you are down, all this will seem worse. You have insecurities in the relatioinship and that will destroy it bit by bit. You deserve someone who makes you feel like a princess, who treats you with respect and doesn't tell you that other women are prettier than you.
do you have a son? He will learn from how he is brought up, how to treat women. If you have a daughter she will be learning that it is okay to be down trodden and not treat nicely.
I personally would leave. I have had a relationship like this in the past, the ex boyf made me feel so fat and ugly I started to starve myself and cut myself. I know that now, I'm with DH, that I am who I am, (I'll never be a model, but who wants to be anyway?) he loves me for that for being me.
This man is not worthy of you and your time. Go find someone who truly deserves you. Life's too short to be unhappy.
p.s it shouldn't matter if you're bloody purple and yellow striped or tiger print colour. It's whats inside that counts!

hey.
just wanted to give you my opinion.
i am very happy with my dp, we are planning our wedding, have just moved into a bigger house for my dd and just started ttc. yet he is not the best looking guy i have been out with.

he asked me this in a round about way. one of my ex's was a model and very nice looking. when talking one day he asked if he was good looking then, i answered truthfully yes. he said so nothing like me then.

my dp is slightly overweight but certainly not ugly. so i answered honestly, no darling he is nothing like you, but what you lose out to him in looks you certainly make up for in personality.

i know that his first love was very thin, i am pleasantly plump, as he likes to call me. ( i call it myself) but he still says i am beautiful.

i have never felt like this about anyone else and i know he hasnt too. just because we have both dated other people who are better looking doesnt make it any less for us.

being honest about it either i think isnt bad.
honestly some people are better looking than others so would you have really believed it if he lied. he was between a rock and a hard place.

personally i would just try and accept it, realise you still have something she doesnt, you have him, and from the sounds of it he loves you. so enjoy that fact.

hth.

Thank you all so much for your replies and I just wish i'd had a chance to read them before the huge argument this afternoon where he packed his bags and went to walk out the door, all because I started and wouldn't let this thing go. We did talk a bit and now he's gone again to stay with a mate for the night (he needs his space and a chance to think everything through) But thats screwing my head up now what if he won't come back?

you're right LGJ i do need to move on and WWB you've summed it all for me in your post especially the bit about my self confidence. My vitilgo has spread to my face and I hate myself everytime I look in the mirror. I've had one or two nasty comments from men about it including that I look like Zorro!

Mamatuks thing is normally he is so loving, he calls me sexy, says I look nice if I go out and stuff, he is very affectionate and he has also said I've changed his life I've given him the confidence to do stuff that he's never done and so on. He is a very loving person. He does or he did until he said that last night, make me feel special.
Funnily enough he did say afterward that although she was very pretty she was a bitch. She was always putting him down, going behind his back and calling him 'inbred' when she knew damn well there is a question mark over his parentage. He keeps saying that he really fancies me and I drive him wild but why can't I get my head round it all

amyjo you are right too. I think he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I went on and on at him to admit to me that she was prettier and I didn't like what i got in return.

Honestly I think I need councelling or something.. my ex went off with a very pretty 16 year old 2 years ago and i'm very scared it's going to happen again.

Thanks for all your replies, i feel a bit better now. I just hope he comes back to me.

ps compo i've been with him 9 months sorry not 9 years lol

Sorry to hear you argued with him. I'm sorry if I got the jist of your message wrong too.
Do you know why you under value yourself so much?
How did you get such low self esteem? (apart from the fact of your ex leaving you, does it go deeper? Did you always feel like this or is it since your last relationship broke down?)

Would your DP and you be willing to try councilling if you both want to save the relationship? Also, I think you need to talk to someone on your own, as you Not as a mother or girlfriend/ wife, just yourself.

I hope everything works out for you both. x

I think my self esteem has probably got worse since me and the ex split but it started before that.. I've got vitiligo which means i'm losing vast amounts of pigment in my skin. Now it has spread to my face i feel ugly old and not able to like myself very much. i'm constantly comparing myself to everyone and getting depressed about it all.

maybe I do need help, might phone the docs tomorrow.

don't worry about getting the gist of the message wrong, you've still really helped

sheepgomeep,sorry your going through this.i think you would benefit from talking to someone about how you feel.me and dh got married and he left me 3 weeks later saying he no longer loved me.i found out that hed slept with someone else whilst i was in hospital with threatened mc.anyway,3 years after dd was born,i took him back.again he cheated on me,and left when ds was 6 months.another 6 months later,he came back.he told me he was living with his mate in cheltenham (i live north wales),and he asked me to marry him again.we started planning our wedding,at the time he was still living in cheltenham as he was looking for a job up here.he came up most weekends.then 8 weeks before the wedding,he moved here for good.3 weeks before the wedding i hada letter saying that this woman wanted money off dh that he owed her.got my mum to ring the woman,turned out he had been living with her since we had split after ds!i was gutted.i cancelled the wedding and threw him out.then took him back as he said the reason he came back to me was because he loved me so much.(i fell for it it aswell!)anyway,we got married and a few days after the wedding,i asked him about 'her'.the arsehole said she was his ideal woman!!!she had dark hair (im blonde),slim and tall (im 5ft 6 and a size 18) and she was very pretty.he realised what he said and couldnt stop apologising.i ahve to admit that i brought that up in any little arguement we had.weve been married again for 5 years now,but it still bothers me that hes lied to me and been very convincing with it.
i know what ive gone through wont help you,but i seemed to hold it against him for so long,and i kept thinking he would do it again.its hard not to get jealous,but if you can try to bite your tongue.you sound a lovely girl,and dont let your insecurities come between you both,he sounds like he does love you.

thanks for your post buffy.. it must have been so hard for you to take him back after what he has done to you and learn to trust him again. your very brave i dont think I could have done that.
it must be very hard to bite your tongue though when you feel like that.. I know its something that i'm going to have to do myself.

where abouts in north wales are you.. i'm in wrexham

im in criccieth.it is hard.every now and again,i get a pang of jealousy!hes just joined the firebrigade,and my friend told me there is also a woman that has just joined.i asked dh about it,and he said hes been 'paired' with her on some of the things they had to do.i asked him why he hadnt said anything,and he said he thought he had.i know he didnt tell me because he knew how i would feel.i didnt say anything else.i always wonder if he will do it again,and he says he wont,but its always in the back of my mind.

lovely part of the world criccieth, I stayed there when i was pg with my dd.

I'm the same i get jealous of any woman dp works with.. its horrible wish i never felt like this Although he hasn't (yet) cheated at the back of my mind he will.

one of dh's workmates rang a couple of weeks ago and asked for dh.dh was supposed to be at his house!you can imagine what went through my mind!i rang his mobile and hed gone to partco to pick abit up for his workmates car.felt stupid for ringing then!also his work once rang asking where he was.told him he was at work!the woman said he hadnt clocked in.i rang his mobile,it was turned off!got his dad to drive to his work to see if the car was there!it was,and dh rang me,said hed been in a meeting with his boss.again felt really stupid for not trusting him!
criccieth is lovely,if you dont live here!i hate it!we are waiting to move.

I bet your heart was in your mouth when you thought he wasn't where he should have been and the relief afterwards that you feel. I know, been there done that with my ex.

I'm bricking it now with dp.. I haven't a clue where or who he is with and i know he won't be back until tomorrow. All soerts of things are going through my mind its going to be a long night

cant you ring him and ask him to come round for a chat?

I doubt whether he will answer my call anyway. WE live together and I know he just wants some space to sort his head out but he's dissapeared and i don't know who with I might try later when the kids are in bed

just keep trying.tell him you cant help how you feel.try to get him to understand