First time poster so please be gentle...
I've just turned 50 and have been married to my wife for twenty years (together for ten years before that). So essentially that's been it for me in relationship terms. Had a few teenage GFs but that seems like a lifetime ago.
We've had our ups and downs in our relationship over the years but basically over the last two decades it's been the children that have been the focus of everything. They are now 15 and 13 and I couldn't be prouder of the pair of them. Obviously they aren't perfect, but they're bright and they're interesting and increasingly they're good company. So, having paid off most of the mortgage - a struggle over the past few years - I'd thought that we could move on to the next stage of our lives.
Which is where life came along with other ideas. My wife had been unhappy in her career for a long time. She'd joined the Civil Service straight from Uni and stuck at it for the best part of twenty years but was increasingly frustrated. In her early 40s she quit and started her own business, which made her happier but hasn't been a great success in financial terms. I've tried to be supportive about this but I've always worried about the money side of things. My earnings aren't great, but they are often all we have coming in over the month.
Then, a few years ago she became increasingly secretive about her activities. She was edgy when I talked to her and seemed to spend a lot of time on the computer late at night. Of course, because of the business I didn't think too much of it. She was also seeing a counsellor at the time because she was depressed.
This all culminated in a letter that she wrote to me about five years ago in which she came out to me as bisexual or lesbian. She'd registered on Gaydar and had been chatting online to people in similar situations. At this time there was no intention to do anything about it - she still loved me and the children and wanted to stay with us.
Rolling on to today now...
You can probably guess what's happened since. We've struggled on with the children, if anything, getting even more attention - because dealing with our own problems is (1) too painful and (2) impossible to find the time to do. But now my wife has decided she needs to move out and have some time on her own. I have no idea whether she should do this. She still sees the children as her priority, but in reality her business seems to be taking more and more time just to stand still. And I don't really see how there will be any time for her to explore her sexuality issues.
My feelings? Err, complicated would sum them up. Surprised? Obviously not really, it's been coming for a long time, I guess. But the shock i had when she made her announcement (the day before my 50th birthday) was still considerable. I couldn't actually believe how much it hurts physically.
Do I want her to stay? Yes - for me certainly, but I'm also not sure it's going to work out well for her. I don't know how the children will react and I don't want her to regret damaging any relationship with them.
Sex? It's not really the biggest issue. Obviously there's the male thing going on - as I say she's the only person I've ever had a sexual relationship with and the perceived rejection is a fairly fundamental one. But the worst thing is that loss of intimacy - which went many years ago. I think we could have a future and my life has been better for her presence (I still love her) but she's now quite distant and struggles to talk to me, seeing everything as a criticism (which, of course, it does become after a while - because that's the way to get a response).
That'll do for now - not an original story, I guess.
Grass is greener - well, I just think that she thinks that leaving the family home will solve all of her problems. I think it's going to be far more complicated than that.