I don't know if I was sexually abused by my dad or not (Long, sorry)

[encephalitis]

I have always had an uneasy feeling towards my dad, and in the last few years it has developed, although I can't put my finger on anything in particular.

A few years back, my sister said that she had had a feeling our dad had done something to us before our parents divorced. I had never mentioned anything to anybody, so was flummoxed as I had been having the same feeling for a few years. I mentioned this to my therapist (who was a trainee) and she blanched then told me this was classic of abuse victims; that they repress these feelings until later in life and then the fortress comes down. Incidentally, I had been seeing her as I had been suffering from eating disorders for the previous 10 years.

I mentioned this to my sister, and my entire family pretty much turned on me- telling me I was making stuff up and trying to shit stir. No one, incidentally, likes our dad and no-one is in regular contact. At the same time, no-one wanted to think of him like that. So I retracted my thoughts.

Recently, I've started questioning myself about it. Over the last year I've developed a very real fear of being restrained and it comes out in my sex life with my DP, even when he is trying to kiss me and is above me etc. Yesterday he tried to kiss me by coming at me from above, but I completely freaked out and started hyperventilating and shaking etc. Then last night I had a sex dream about my dad, in which he wanted to have sex with me whilst I straddled him, but I wanted to get off him. I know for a fact that I used to sit straddling him, but I don't remember any sexual abuse. It's the fact I don't remember anything directly that makes me so confused.

I was reading a story in a trashy magazine about an hour ago. It was about a father raping his daughter. When my DP came into the bathroom, I pretty much fell apart; sobbing on the floor whilst he tried to console me. I know it's too much for him to deal with, and he doesn't know how to cope, but I don't either.

Basically (she says, after a mammoth post), I don't even know if I was sexually abused. My mind tends to be very good at making up shit that will hurt me during my dreams, so I don't know if I've just latched onto something I can direct all my angst at, or if something has happened to me in my past. I have no direct memories of anything; just a sense of unease.

I spoke to a counsellor for a year, whose attitude was 'it's in the past, so why worry?' (a bit Rafiki, really) and I don't know if he was right or not. I have no facts, no evidence and no memories. Just ill ease.

What opportunity did your father have to sexually assault you? Were you often alone in the house with him while your mother/siblings were elsewhere and how old would you have been when any assault took place?

i may be way off mark, but do you have anxiety disorders? do you often spend time pondering or worrying about things that havent happened and are unlikely to happen? and does that then translate in to your moods in every day life? do you ecver look back at situations and imagine different endings which results in changes to your moods in real life?

My dad worked nights, so looked after me alone for most days when I was 3 and 4.

As for anxiety disorders, I don't think so. I spend very little time thinking about the past, apart from issues with my family. My dad was wet abusive in lots of ways. He made overtly sexual comments to us, he has emotionally abused us and he has bullied us throughout. I cut all contact with him two years ago as he made me feel so beaten and low whenever I spoke to him. My family knows he's an abuser, just they're wary of the physical sexual abuse slant, even though he exposed us to sexual content at young ages.

Wet= very

What do you mean by 'exposed us to sexual content at young ages'? How many siblings do you have and what age were you when your father left the family/marital home?

It's ab bit off for your therapist to make such a sweeping statement.
Decades ago there was a fad for recovering abuse memories in therapy when it never actually happened.
In actuality sexual dreams about parents are common. I wouldn't take any meaning from that.
Unless someone else in your family comes forward with actual memories of sexual abuse you will never know if this was a reality for you. You could spend years in therapy, you might unleash unconscious repressed memories of abuse but as a three year old the actual mechanisms for remembering are not in place yet to the same degree as an older child so doubtful.
It is very traumatic to think you have been abused. Your eating disorder may have roots elsewhere.
I would suggest looking for a more experienced therapist.
The fact that your father exposed you to sexual content as you put it is enough to have triggered a maladjustment in you so maybe concentrate on exploring your feelings for what actually happened as a starting point and then if other memories surface deal with them.
And possibly look at adjusting your sex life so that the positions etc do not make you feel uneasy.
But do try to normalise your life with your partner. He will have no idea how to handle this.
Best of luck.

If he exposed you to sexual content at a young age then that could feed dreams and probably cause uneasy unpleasant feelings in you as a child. So that you feel things were wrong (which they were) but perhaps there was no sexual abuse, just wrong feelings. Also if you were wee you probably felt guilt and uncomfortable with those feelings.

I would think off loading your fears and worries to a therapist would help alot, though an experienced one would be best, have you asked your GP for help?

Hi Encephalitis,

I wondered and hoped, did you make any progress with this thought. Did you figure out the if there was truth to your sister's and your instinct of unease/ gutteral suspicions? (Other than the clear memory of being exposed to sexual content)
I hope you got a more experienced therapist to work through it with.
I'm also going through a similar tarpit of cloudy memories, guilt and unease, wondering if there is basis for any of it

I read this and could have been reading about myself. The difference is my sister told me she was abused by my father and I instantly knew I was too ( although I have no proof). I feel looking back to aged 5/6 I was too sexually aware. My mother left my father and moved us from South Africa to England ( where both my parents are from). I wonder if it was because of something she found out - I can’t ask my mother about it because my sister and myself are estranged from her. My sister met my father again when in her 30’s when he returned to live in England and he said he was sorry but I didn’t see him before he died in 2012, so would he have said the same to me? I’ve spoken to my aunt about it ( his sister) and told her I instantly knew my sister was telling the truth and she went mad and said it was lies. I feel like my sister telling me has opened up a can of unknowns for me. I can’t shake the feeling and it’s affecting my relationship with my husband as far as intimacy goes ( I’ve always had issues) . I didn’t like my father as a child either, hecused to try and hug me and I’d recoil even aged 5 where my sister vied for attention. My mother has always hated my sister and used to pick on her. She once made a comment when she was married to my stepdad that my sister was always trying to be the wife which looking back was an odd thing to say.

Hey. you are not imagining this, and you helped me by stating that your therapist told you that most people remember later in life. The same thing happened to me. I don’t really remember it happening, but I had a dream that told the story of it happening, and other extensive clues. None of it is imagined and it couldn’t come from nowhere. Yes, this did happen to you. And listening to your story helped me realize that yes, it did happen to me too. We’re not making it up and we’re not imagining it.

I had sort of the same thing…..once I started to remember over the course of about 3 years more memories came back, during this time I was doing a fair bit of various therapies and one day I saw and recalled what had happened.

it’s really tough, however you’re being shown this now so you can heal. I’d suggest looking into inner child healing (there’s some great meditations on YouTube) and EFT

Don't bother with a counselor. They aren't qualified in this arena.

If you can afford it speak to a psychotherapist. Massive difference.

This thread is ten years old.

When I was a child and up to about the time I was 16 my father abused me. My memory is very blurred but I do remember he used to make me shower with him
and he would wash my private areas and rub himself against me. He used to come to my bed at night and slide his fingers inside me. I knew it was wrong and I was scared and never said anything. He used to tell me daddy loves you and will never hurt you. My mum was home too so must have known what was going on. I am now almost 60 and still scared of my dad. I really don’t know what to do to clear my head and nightmares. My relationships with men have always been difficult as I get flashbacks. I want to cut my parents out of my life but I am so fearful. Is there any help I can get?

Hi @Bubbabubs , I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. That must have been very traumatising.
Have you had any therapy?
I would recommend a psychotherapist.
Good luck.

You might get more responses if you start your own thread in the mental health section as this is a zombie thread.

Just the things you can remember are grim
the abuse , the comments and the exposure

so we know already he’s shady as fuck to be honest op

the mind can and does block horrific things out

whats to be gained by digging even deeper ? I’m not in anyway questioning this , and I totally beleive you x
as even the memories you do have are horrific

I think you need to maybe talk to a professional on one of the charity likes for victims

all the best x

Ah OP this is so hard to read. It’s so horrible that parents subject their children, the very people they’re meant to give a safe and happy life to, to abuse. I was emotionally and mentally abused by my father and therapy has helped so so so much. I wish you all the very best and hope you get answers and closure xxx

A traumatized brain will have trouble with memory and recall. Definitely keep going to therapy about it and be open with your husband as it affects him too. Just remember that this is YOUR life and while your dad may have hurt you horribly, you deserve to be happy and enjoy life now. You can face the most difficult things from your past and enjoy your life to the fullest. It doesn't have to take you down. It's not in the past, it's always going to be a part of you living in the now. But you can heal and it doesn't have to hurt you more than it already has. I've been through this and it's hard but keep looking forward as well! 💜

I found your post while searching on
google. I can relate to what you described
here—not all of it, but most of it. I am very uncomfortable around my father, but then again, he was physically abusive and that could be it. However, my mother was also physically abusive and I’m not uncomfortable around her, so maybe it’s because he’s male? Then again, my sister who sexually abused a group of sisters from our church, had me smell her vagina if I wanted her to put curlers in my hair and sleep in her room. I’m not sure if it stopped there, but I do know that what she did is highly disgusting and disturbing. I brought this point
up because I’m very uncomfortable around her, I don’t feel this way around my other siblings, it’s just her. I feel like I’m exposed and vulnerable, it’s hard to describe the feeling. Anyway, would any of you consider this sexual in nature? I also have had sex dream of my father, but I hear this is normal. I’ve also had one with my other sister and it was creepy and strange AF. I wonder what these dreams symbolize. I quit porn, but if I see a woman pleasing an older man, that’s usually when I feel a certain way.. but not when it’s a younger male.. so that’s interesting. I believe our trauma is stored and comes out in certain situations.. why am I feeling this way? My father is not creepy at all, he is a narcissist, though—I mean, it’s creepy to abuse your kids, but not in a creepy sexual sense or anything. My father stayed home with us while my mother went to school, but I don’t have those memories.. I can only remember very little before the age of 8 or so. I hope you find healing, however that looks for you…

@Bubbabubs Oh, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through.. so traumatic. Seek a therapist & if you need to cut your parents out for healing, you can. Find a circle of people who are loving and supportive, a good therapist can help. Sometimes they are hard to find, but keep searching. I also recommend searching for books with tools on how to heal.. sending you a big warm hug.

Exposing a child to sexual content is child sexual abuse. So you are absolutely right about being sexually abused as a child. I’m so sorry that happened to you. There may be more, your brain is more than likely keeping you safe for now.

i hope you don't mind me replying to your story with my own, although I'm not sure if there is much of one.

i have this heavy feeling that i may have been sexually abused by my father but i don't have much proof besides this lingering anxiety.

i remember that i knew what sex was at a young age and i even had sex dreams that were accompanied with sensations at the time, possibly around 9 or 10. i still remember how vivid those dreams were.

i can't remember much happening from there but when i was around 15/16 i felt extreme shame when i would touch myself and eventually i started getting these visual flashes of my dad raping me and it scared me a lot because i didn't understand why i would even think that. my father and i have a very complicated relationship, he's emotionally abusive and narcissistic and i was raised by a physically abusive narcissistic mother... my visions got so frequent and vivid that i would cut myself from disgust and i eventually attempted to take my own life after another episode of me envisioning my father assaulting me.

it stopped for a few years but it's come back full swing now and I'm terrified of what it means. I'm too ashamed to bring it up to anyone, least of all my partner. i just had to say this somewhere and get a bit of the wright off my chest

This thread is 12 years old....
Perhaps start your own thread so that people can offer support. All the best to you.