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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dense husband

30 replies

chucksaway · 21/10/2012 16:14

Please can someone give me some advice, I have been married 6 years and have two children under four. My husband can be a kind person and can be considerate but he is also a bit of an alpha male and has a large ego and likes to hear his own voice about how brilliant he is. He has recently landed a very high position and once again works all the time. He is in his element as now he has what he has always wanted. During the week we hardly see him and at weekends he goes for a rest twice a day to recover from the week. Suffice to say I feel our home life is pretty shit. When I complain about it I get lots of abuse like I am lazy, I have no ambition, and worse - a lecture on what it is to be successful. Further, how could I possibly understand what is needed to be successful as there are no successful people in my family. Did I say he has a big ego. After this latest barrage I feel my marriage is dead because I simply cannot get past how he spoke to me or insulted my family. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

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chucksaway · 22/10/2012 10:06

in response to some of the comments, we haven't been 'living the high life' only recently has he acquired a well paid job and some time back i was the one on the good salary and supporting him for a couple of years whilst a business project floundered. And we haven't had a holiday since before we married. So no, sorry to burst an image I perhaps conjured up for you but I am not a kept wife living in luxury so to speak I have a successful career of my own I am just at home now with my kids but I am actually looking for a job and I will get one soon I have no doubt. The outburst from my supposed husband was uncalled for and I now know that is what he really thinks of my extended family! It also illustrates that he holds a totally different set of morals to me, I dont value successful life on how many houses you own, what car you drive or how much money you have in the bank or what your job title is!

So yes I am looking in the mirror with a clear conscience thank you very much

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BerylStreep · 22/10/2012 16:56

Some very unsupportive comments here Hmm.

I think MN can display quite a lot of inverted snobbery, especially on the relationships board. Should anyone dare to suggest that they have a comfortable life, and they want to stay to try to make it work with their spouse, they are accused of only staying because of the standard of living they have.

Conversely, if they consider leaving, they are money grabbers who are living on the coat-tails of their H's success.

IME couples very often start out on similar earnings / career prospects, and a combination of factors widen this gap - child rearing responsibilities are the main one, but alongside traditional glass ceilings as well. These 'high earning alpha males' very often have only had the opportunity to do so well at work because they have a wife at home who is shouldering all the domestic responsibilities.

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula · 22/10/2012 17:36

Marriage or your relationship is a partnership and depending on money, time family commitments, one partner will usually take the lead in providing the income or majority of. And as much as it pains me (as a modern day liberal feminist) to say it, it's usually (but not exclusively) the man. Women get the short end of the career ladder when it comes to child bearing/rearing breaks.

If you both want the nice home life, kids etc... something has to give, either lower standard of living or you go back to work and again usually it's the woman who goes back to work part-time (lower income) or not at all. Factor in extended family/elder parent commitments, school run, rubbish wrap around care for kids etc... and this is just the way it is - (until I become dictator of the world!). Sometimes it's not economically viable for a woman to return to work when the children are young.

Op you've worked before - you been the the main wage earner before, whose to say it can't be that way again one day. Or if not, so what. This is what a partnership should be about, each contributing something to make the whole thing work and at this moment in time, that means for you the kids and home.

Would he still have this attitude if you went back to work and your salary was lower than his i.e. you're not 'contributing' enough? Is he going through the

'I've just got a fantastic well paid job and this obviously makes me a better person than you, oh and my knob's huge' honeymoon phase of the new job?

Apologies - this topic makes me ever so slightly ranty :-)

Opentooffers · 22/10/2012 17:37

So how alpha male and fantastic did he say he was when his business was floundering and you were the bread-winner? Seems he has a short memory. His 'success' is only recent. But will he be successful in life? Not if he ends up on his own. Sounds like he could do with some home truths and reminding where he has come from and who has helped him, and still enables him to get there.

chucksaway · 22/10/2012 21:44

as usual supposed husband now acting like nothing has happened - hence the title! sigh

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