I think I have given up on this relationship

[popsypie]

Married nearly 11 years, been together nearly 14 years. Two dds 7 and 6. Lately have been feeling down about our relationship. It seems like we co exist but nothing more. Sex is as regular as ever, but seems to be the only time we show each other affection. Dh has not taken me out on our own anywhere for over a year. We go out, but mainly separately.

Not to drop feed he had a vasectomy about three years ago following a miscarriage and a bout of terrible depression on my part. We both agreed to it in a way. But in the weeks leading up to it I said many times I was not sure and could we wait. He felt this was not what I genuinely felt and on the day of the vasectomy I signed the form and actually felt relieved that I would never have to fear getting preg again. However the feelings of regret quickly came and I have many times since begged him to get it reversed. Each time it is a big no as he feels another baby would not improve our lives and if I got depressed again would actually make our lives much worse. He wonders why I can't be happy with what we have already - I understand how he feels like this, but the longing is still often there. I am coming to accept this feeling and move on, but I must admit to resenting him for this sometimes.

I suppose I just wonder if looking at your dh and thinking "is this it forever?" Is normal? I feel a bit undervalued and not very cherished. I told him all this today and he just thinks I am being really silly.

You seemed to have blown hot and cold about the vasectomy all the way along.
tbh there are several things I dont understand on this post.

Would you say you change your mind on other things in your life too?

Also,dont understand why you cant both go out together? Who stops this happening and why?
Why dont you show him affection apart from sex? I realise he doesnt either.

Who makes the decisions in your household,the big ones and the little ones?

Sorry, a lot of questions there.

I did mean to say good that you are talking to him about some things
I suspect there are other things you need to talk to him about as well.
And maybe him to you as well.

You are right I have blown hot and cold about the vasectomy - that is fair comment. Sometimes I think it is a head/heart thing. Head says he is right. Heart says I want to have another child.

There is no reason not to go out together other than not making the effort. He works v long hours and often weekends.

In terms of decisions they are made mainly equally I suppose. But lots of things in our relationship seem to be my responsibility - finances, childcare, holidays, family gifts, washing, ironing. all kids school stuff etc.

Like

Again,several issues here.
re the vasectomy,the feelings you are having are perfectly normal.
The problem,for your DHs pov,may be that he may think you might change your mind again another time. Would you ,do you think?
I am not sure you should be resenting him,tbh. It is a bit of a tricky one really. I know this is a crass way of thinkong about it,but say there are 30 says in a month, on how many of those do you definitely think yes,I want another baby?

From the list you gave it sounds like you make more of the decisions than him. I was expecting it to be the other way around. Do you resent making all those decisions by yourself? Do you ask him about those things,or does he expect you just to get on with it?

DH works very long hours and weekends? Is he a workaholic? Does he like the long hours?
Is this part of the reason you feel undervalued and not very cherished,the fact that he is not there? Is he avoiding you perhaps?

He is def not a workaholic - he just has to work this hours cos of his job. I don't doubt this at all.

We spend lots of family time together. He is a kind and loving father.

I do resent that he "only" does his job, although he works hard. Everything else is left to me cos if I did not do it we would live in a dive, bills would not get paid etc. I do resent this though. I sometimes wish dh was a bit more capable and took more responsibility. He does not care though. On a positive note he is not in the slightest controlling except for the baby thing I guess.

Re the baby I hve wanted one each day for about two years. But that is not happening ever. He has made that abundantly clear.

Are you a sahm?

No I work 3 days a week. I have worked part time - at first only a day a week since having dd1

I don't think it's fair that you end up responsible for everything at home, but at the same time, if he's working long unsociable hours, he may not have the time/energy practically.

I think it'd be a good idea to try to address the issues in the marriage - of not having time together as a couple, of him taking you for granted and being complacent & dismissive of your feelings. Maybe relationship counselling? It's easy to slip into a rut like this and lose sight of what's important and not work at making each other happy. If you can't reset and improve what you have, then the next step would seem to be splitting.

You do realise, there's no guarantee that the vasectomy could be reversed successfully anyway? It's about half and half within ten years, so even if you did get him to agree to trying, there's a strong possibility it would fail.

I'm wondering if the desire for a baby might be to fill the emotional distance between you as a couple.

Does he like his job?
Would he consider a different one?
If he had a different job with less hours,would he then be willing to take more responsibilty in the home?

You say you sometimes wish dh was a bit more capable.Would he be more capable if you showed him how?
would you be willing to work more hours in return for him working less? In return for him doing more of the at home stuff.

it sounds like he is passive except on the baby issue. Do you think that the real reason might be that he is fearful of your depression returning again?

People seem to think a child is a way to plug the hole they feel from lack of attention off their partners, whilst at the same time getting down about doing the house and home chores. Surely another child is likely going to increase the workload, causing more resentment about being alone to do even more at home. Children are not a fix for an ailing relationship. Better to work on the relationship first, then see how you feel in the future when it's in better shape, you might even change your mind about another child yourself if you get things back on track.

He loves his job and is not the kind of job where hours can be reduced. I am happy he likes his job. I agree the fact that he works long hours means that he has less energy and of course time to help. For example I can't expect him to make the tea when he gets in at 8pm, but it does annoy me when his plate makes it to the worktop, but not in the dishwasher! I think this is the same story in many homes. Even when I worked full time for nine months last year (two contracts overlapped) it was the same story.

In terms of showing him how to do things - he is a notoriously poor listener when things do not interest him. Things like red letters would not bother him, so no I don't think even if I showed him he would manage more stuff. He is like this in all aspects of his life except for his work. If the car tax was a month late he would not be bothered whereas it would stress me out.

I don't think I want a child to 'plug the hole'. I just want one the same way I wanted one when I had my first and second dds. It is maybe more hormonal driven than logic driven. And yes I do agree and he has stated very clearly that he is fearful of my depression returning. It was an awful and frightening time for him too - he thought he would lose me and I would never be the same again. I am coming to terms with this and have not asked him about a reversal for some time though I do think about it often.

I am nowhere near considering splitting. I do love him and I know he loves me. I just want to be more at times than someone who nurtures others and receives some looking after myself. I have explained this to him when we talked tonight. He has made a start already. Thank you for all your advice - sometimes you just need to share here as RL friends remember too much and can't be truly impartial.

Good that things are looking a bit better for you.

I think I have to put the work in too. I always hated the sound of all that 'date night' stuff, but feel I may have to give it a go!!!

Yup, you have to put in the effort too - sometimes it seems unnatural - but it so easy to stop bothering and get stuck - not so unhappy you want to end it, but constantly niggling and distant, instead of enjoying each other.

Yeah and I am a terrible overanalyser! Not a good trait in a marriage.

Yes,DH and I did the "date night" stuff for a while.
Not regularly,but once in a while,when the kids were younger.
It is beneficial,because,if nothing else,it gets you out of the house without the kids,and does make you feel slightly as if you are dating again,which is no bad thing imo.