Why don't I want sex?

[Dozy123]

I know this is an age-old problem, but I want (and need) help.
I love my DH very much. We have been together 17 years with dd (7 years) and ds (2.5 years). We never had sex every night, but we had enough sex to satisfy us both.
Since my first child (maybe before?) my sex drive has become less and less. Now we hardly ever have sex and I feel crap about it (but I still don't seem to have a sex drive). The only exception was when we were trying for child no 2, and my desire for a child overcame my reluctance to have sex. DH's sex drive has stayed the same.
He never makes demands or even begins a discussion on the topic, it is always me. We even went to relate at my suggestion (I think I am scared that if he doesn't have sex with me it will just be a matter of time before he has it with someone else). DH said at relate that he just assumed that this current state of affairs was the norm and he just accepted it.
Relate tried to help, suggesting things like make time for each other, try to encourage intimacy etc, but nothing has changed.
When we do have sex it's great and I certainly don't want to have sex with anyone else.
I am just really frustrated with myself - HELP. :(

i dont understand what the problem is.
you dont want sex. he doesnt want it much either. he definitlyisnt bugging you to have any. when you do have it its great.
so whats the problem?

I understand your problem, but the trouble is the more you put pressure on yourself over it (convincing yourself that DH is going to shop elsewhere soon) then you will only increase your anxiety and reduce your desire and enjoyment of sex. It's a real double-edged sword.

Would something like a few sessions with a psycho-sexual counsellor help, do you think ? If you went on your own and had a chance to discuss it with someone who is an expert in this particular field you may find it opens a few doors for you and DH.

Dozy - I can relate. At the moment (first child is 9 months old) my main thought is "why would anyone have sex when they could sleep?" So it quite rare for us too and I hope things will improve but I have to admit I'm not making them improve. Like you, I have a DP who is OK with it and it is good when it happens. So I'm trying not to worry too much. I do sometimes deliberately initiate it even when I'd rather sleep, so as to keep that side of things alive - there is a kind of closeness you don't get any other way - and the truth is though I might not fancy it beforehand, I usually get quite into it and am glad I bothered afterwards. Maybe you could see maintaing a low-level sex-life as something you want to do for its own sake (like haviong a second child) and so worth the occasional effort.

Also, if you make sure you still talk to him, share concerns, hug and kiss etc., and have fun together then I don't think it's so bad...

I absolutely agree, snowleopard. So long as you and DH still have the affection and non-sexual intimacy in your relationship, then things can be sorted out. I think it becomes a real problem when all loving contact dies out.

Dozy123, I would advise you to visit your GP or local family planning clinic to get some baseline bloods taken for hormone profile etc. You may have an underactive thyroid, or a few other things which could be causing your low libido. I know it is a cliche, but once you are out of the routine of having regular sex, it is really hard to get back into it, IYSWIM. Although I would NEVER advise anyone to have sex against their will, why don't you have a week where you try to attempt sex/sexual contact at least every other night. Even if you're not particularly in the mood, if you know that it will turn out to be good sex, just getting your feet off the ground as it were(!) can sometimes be enough to kick start things again.

I am sure NomDePlum is right - I put the pressure on myself and make things worse. However, I think having gone to Relate and had no improvement, I'm not sure I have the courage to overcome the embarrassment to try again with another counsellor.
I like Snowleapord's idea about focusing on maintaining even a low level sex life, as my fear is that it will just die away completely and I really don't want that.

The bloods thing is interesting HelloMama. It's never even entered my head that there might be a physical reason.
Plus, I am quite a task driven person, so maybe setting myself a target, like you suggest, may just get me off to a start.
Thanks