Trust issues

[runikka]

I am mum of three, married for 8 years to a kind and considerate man. However, I cannot stop worrying that he is cheating. For the past five years with our son, disabled parents and major money troubles. I have recently started anti-depressants for anxiety and had hoped they would stop the insecurity.

I don't want to be constantly questioning or seeking reassurance or feeling like this end of! My husband has a lot of female friends from before we met and remains in touch. I have no involvement with them and one particular, he was romantically involved with years ago. She lives abroad but I fear that there could be emotional involvement.

We have been under a lot of stress and moved house last year, having downsized. I have found the move difficult, not really feeling at home. A lot of the time, I feel my children prefer their dad to me (they say as such but are only little)and feel they would all be happier without me. I have tried to voice my concerns to my husband and this upsets him, he tries to reassure me that it is me he loves but I have a niggling feeling that just won't go away. I have suggested we separate because I don't want to be suspicious all the time but my husband says I am being silly.

I think counselling could help but just fear it is inbuilt in me.

No, it's not inbuilt although there may have been some things in your past that led to your feeling afraid of being abandoned and/or not being good enough. Counselling would help with that, I think.

I'm sorry to hear you're so stressed and down. I am certainly not going to say you're being silly! You sound vulnerable to me, rather than insanely possessive, and I imagine you need to be hard without judgement. Fwiw, it's normal for kids to say they like the non-SAHP more, as it's the full-time parent who makes them do all the stuff they don't fancy! If you're letting DH get away with doing only the 'nice' stuff, knock that on the head immediately. He can make them tidy their stuff, pipe down at bedtime, get ready for school, etc, just as well as you can.

It might be good to talk about whether you're feeling isolated and what could be done to help you feel more at home with your house. Antidepressants take at least six weeks to start working - how long have you had them?

Hope you're doing something rather lovely for yourself, right now :)

you need to be hard heard, ffs

First thing to say is that you shouldn't dismiss your fears as irrational. Quite often we get a 'niggling feeling' for very good reasons, even if we can't quite put our finger on them straight away. So bear that in mind.

Second is that you're clearly suffering from anxiety and low self-esteem. It's good that you're seeing your GP about this, but a loving partner should be able to take your feelings on board and, even if he doesn't understand the anxiety, he should at least be considerate and reassuring. This means not calling you 'silly' or getting upset. ... those are not helpful responses.

Your children love you. They may prefer the parent offering fun or sweets over the one offering homework and chores at any particular time but they will always love you. Even if you behaved abysmally and went out of your way to hurt them... they'd still try to love you.

If you don't feel 'at home' in your new house, something is wrong. I say that because most people can feel 'at home' anywhere as long as they have their loved ones around them. Do you both work outside the home or are you left alone with the children all day? Have you made any effort either singly or as a couple to make new friends in the area? Invite people to your home? Do you feel, in downsizing, that you have 'failed' in some way? Were you particularly attached to your old house? ... these are all things to discuss as a couple

If the number of female friends he stays in touch with makes you feel uncomfortable then you are quite entitled to say so. Rather than him keeping them as distant friends, get to know them better yourself. It's fine for couples to have friends of the opposite sex but, when those friends are kept private, that's not going to make an anxious person feel any more reassured

Many thanks for your replies. We both work full time and parenting is pretty evenly split but I guess my husband spends more time 'playing' with the children.

I do have low self-esteem. Due to time constraints I don't get to spend a lot of time on my personal appearance but have never been one to wear a lot of make up. I have put on a fair amount of weight since having the children and am working to losing it. The problem is I feel that when I do make an effort, it is rarely noticed which makes me less inclined to bother. I don't expect to be constantly told I am beautiful but sometimes maybe :)

Everybody needs to feel loved. If you feel that there's not enough affection & appreciation in your house, if you feel you are taken for granted or overlooked in the melee of work, chores, disabled parents, then it is not unreasonable to shout 'STOP.... I need some TLC!'

Building self-esteem works better from within, avoid looking to others to build you up because most likely they won't, being busy it's the last thing on many's mind to bolster others. You know if your feeling weighty, so do something about it because it's going to be good for your health, good for your mood, and give you more energy to do other things - like holding down a job and entertaining kids which is very demanding so you ow it to yourself and your kids to stay fit. I doubt that time is really the issue with appearance, it doesn't take long, more significant is that you say no one will notice (that's looking to others for approval again) the thing is are you happy with yourself, not what others think. If you aim to be happy in your own skin, appreciation from others may naturally follow, but even if it doesn't, you won't care by then as you will be happier anyway by then. Work on yourself, for yourself and set your own goals.

"avoid looking to others to build you up because most likely they won't"

This only applies to a point. In a loving relationship, isn't the whole idea that you support each other, give each other confidence, show each other appreciation? Isn't your partner the one person in the world who is meant to make you feel attractive and special, regardless of the reality or what anyone else (including yourself) thinks?

Cogito - There is nothing as wearisome as a partner who is constantly demanding/expecting complements especially on looks.

As long as major changes eg change of hair colour/length, weight loss different makeup or makeovers are not ignored compliments tend to tail off with time. I would love to have someone shower me with daily compliments to " make you feel attractive and special, regardless of the reality..." but if this is not forthcoming, but l enjoy my makeup/ makeovers FOR ME and if someone/partner compliments me, I look at it as a bonus.

I think the op has major self-esteem issues and needs to work on herself and not expect the partner to prop how she sees herself unless of course the withdrawal of compliments by him is deliberately meant to have that effect on the her and therefore nasty, calculated and abusive.

Thank you again for your replies. I only started anti-depressants on Tuesday so I am aware that they haven't started to help.

I am aware that I do need to feel good about myself above all else. I am not constantly seeking reassurance or awaiting compliments but am aware that I am constantly analysing everything when I should be getting on with living.

I think a lot has been said between my husband and I, in frustration of a bad year, traumatic house move. I have mentioned separating, which I really don't want but is probably borne out of attempt to gain some kind of control over the situation. My concern is that in itself might have led to seeds of doubt in my husband's mind. I guess more than anything, I'd like to make a fresh start, a concerted effort on both sides to spend quality time together so that I know that we are both where we want to be.

"My concern is that in itself might have led to seeds of doubt in my husband's mind"

If this is the case and he feels insecure or on notice in any way, then you will have to start the ball rolling by expressing affection and appreciation more unilaterally before you can expect it in return. A fresh start is very appropriate. Smile consciously, spend time together and be pleasant to be around...