How do I tell him?

[Coconutter]

I need to go. I have a comfortable life but I'm now fairly sure DH isn't the one for me. He is wonderful and I love him - but not enough. I'm not attracted to him. We don't have fun. I can't really talk to him. We have no children which helps but I don't know how or when to tell him. Do I find somewhere to go first or would that be too underhand? Do I leave immediately or give him time to get used to the idea?

Incidentally I don't think I need to worry about my picking twunts... Much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure OM was only a twunt to me because I wouldn't leave DH for him straight away, and because I am a constant reminder that his moral standards aren't as high as he thought they were. He has been utterly horrible to me but I don't think he would have been if I'd stayed with him.

Coco - be wary of the "deeper connection" you feel you had with OM, you need some perspective on that too I think because it clearly was not a deeper connection in reality but a fantasy one with a twunt! Comparing OM and DH is a mistake. You don't need to necessarily work out whether you ever had a connection to dh. You need to look at now and the future but you also importantly need to work out the stuff with the affair first because I don't think you have real perspective on that yet and it is clouding your judgement.

Honestly OP I don't think you are seeing anything clearly.

I know I am probably not seeing things clearly and my judgement is off - I just don't know how to improve that

Space, if not physical then mental, thinking, counselling, perspective I suppose... Not sure, normally I am able to think and talk through things like this. I think you should not expect there to be a "right answer". I definitely think you're looking at this OM thing wrongly for a start. Stop making things about the other people - DH, OM; what do you want? What do you feel? You by yourself without any men because really a relationship should compliment your own happiness, in a broad sense rather than in terms of every second of the relationship which would be impossible, and your happiness, whilst it can be supported by or undermined by relationships of various qualities, should never be dependent on a man.

I'll ask again, I may have missed the answer.

How long have you been in counselling for?

About a year and a half. Found a new one a couple of months ago who is better than the one before though they were good too. The thought of being on my own does appeal to me - being my own person. I feel like I can't do that with DH. I suppose I felt much more like I could with OM.

TBH OP I don't think that your DH sounds like a very nice partner. If you are unhappy then a response of "yes, you are/yes, we are/yes, I am" is nothing but selfish, rarely true and usually says more about the other persons desire to keep the status quo than any actual feelings of love on their part.

You would be much better focussing on whether you would rather be alone than with DH than dreaming of meeting "the one". Also you should consider that if there is an emotional depth missing from your relationship with DH and you seemed to find that with OM, the connection that you think you found probably only seemed as profound by way of comparison with your relationship with DH (which of course you will be seeing in as negative a light as possible, albeit subconsciously because this is how you justify the affair to yourself). You must be aware that such feelings are a cliche and follow utterly the affair "script". It is much easier in some ways to make a connection with a stranger than try to recapture something with a partner who knows you well and won't stand for any hypocrisy/bullshit/deluding yourself in your "deep" discussions. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really don't mean it to.

In my view once you have decided (if you decide) that you are going to go then you go and go quickly. IMO that means having a place ready to go to so you can do it quickly and your DH will know that this is final. I completely understand why some people think this would seem underhand but false hope is despicable and I do think this is a cruel to be kind situation. On the other hand, don't drag it out. Don't let him feel that you have been lying to him (looking at him over the dinner table etc all the while you are putting elaborate plans to leave him in place). If you decide to go, find a place, find it quickly (if it is not ideal you can always move on 6 months down the line) and tell him quickly.

TBH OP I don't think that your DH sounds like a very nice partner. If you are unhappy then a response of "yes, you are/yes, we are/yes, I am" is nothing but selfish, rarely true and usually says more about the other persons desire to keep the status quo than any actual feelings of love on their part.
I don't agree that this is always true. These repsonse can come out of desperation. Not wanting to face the truth, that is he should have let you go when you cheated. He didn't because he wants to make it work. To find out you don't want other to work anyway will be very upsetting.
plentyvof women beg their partners to stay, its nit selfish. Its because they are shocked, upset , scared.
You need to tell him and leave and don't let him convince you otherwise.

Yes but such women are usually willing to work on the marriage mutny. To acknowledge that, whilst there is no excuse for having an affair, elements of the marriage could be worked on, improved, counselling perhaps sought. OP says that her DH "won't listen" when she says she is unhappy and refuses to consider counsellig. I do think that sounds selfish and unwilling to change. IMO of course.

IMO...and in this specific case and based on what OP has said.

If you are leaving do it swiftly and with confidence. When my husband left me it was drawn out over months and only made things worse.

Sarah I know it followed the script. I feel like such a cliche but it was actually OM who challenged me and wouldn't take bs. DH never does.

Flatbelly how is that helpful in any way? Does that mean you suggest staying with your first boyfriend forever and never leaving them in case they kill themselves? What a stupid comment!

Coconutter I think the best advice here is to make sure if you leave you are leaving for you- not for DH, not for the idea of what might happen in the future. I think you have to be at a point where you could say that you would be ok with being on your own and that it would be preferable to where you are now. I know you are worried about your DH but both of you have to be happy there. It is emotionally draining to keep trying to work through it once you know it is done but I understand how hard it is to try and make sure you feel you are doing the right thing. I think it is so hard once something has gone in a relationship to make it come back. It IS possible (I have watched someone do it) but I think once something has clicked in your head then it is very very difficult. If you are having to try and convince yourself that hard that you should do something then it is probably the wrong thing to do (whether that is leave or stay!). Good luck

flatbelly, that is out of order

Don't think you need be 100% sure. That's unrealistic. There are bound to be some reasons in favour of staying not least to avoid all the disruption and hassle.
Do what you like. You dont need an excuse to leave a relationship you don't want to be in any more.

If you don't have kids, less reason to stay unless your heart is in it.
Be decent to the guy but at the end ofthe day you don't owe him a relationship an
d better for you both to end it asap if you're working up to that anyway.

Yes but such women are usually willing to work on the marriage mutny.

But then plenty don't, they go back on what is agreed. I am simply saying, after knowing the back story I don't think hr is selfish. I think he is scared and wants to pretend all the shit didn't happen. By going to counselling its facing up to the problem.

omc, why are you talking about domestic violence ?

You're dumping him, essentially. You have already made up your mind to do this: every one of your posts leans heavily in that direction.

Sometimes we do need to be single. We need to be alone to find ourselves. You only get one life and ultimately sometimes that means your feelings are paramount. You can't stifle yourself for another person's sake. That isn't a relationship anyway, and it's fairer on you both to end it. You're very lucky not to have children together. That makes this much easier.

Here's my advice. You set aside a quiet time or place, in the evening when neither of you are tired. A Friday is best because you each have the weekend to recover. Be blunt, be kind. Don't try to go into too much detail explaining every last avenue of your decision. Give it between one and three hours and then leave.

He will get over it. Human beings are very resilient. He will need some time, but you won't break him forever.

I think staying with someone who is ambivalent after an affair is an act of self-sabotage but I understand why it happens. It's not always about loving the other person or thinking she is the only person in the world who can make him happy, it's because of fear of change and failure. Logically, staying with someone who continues to hurt you with her ambivalence and her continued longing for the OM/ anger with him for his rejection, isn't a rational decision. When someone does that to you, it's obvious that she doesn't love you. That's not his fault of course and not loving him isn't yours either OP. But it's cruel to drag this out any longer and if you want to regain any respect for yourself as a good person, end this now and wish him well.

Like others have said. He will get over this. He will undoubtedly find someone better for him personally.

You will not break him if you end it, but you might break him if you stay.

Gee, thanks Flatbelly

Thanks for your replies. The confusing thing is that I have days - like today - when suddenly everything seems brighter and I begin to think we can get through it.

I have decided to cut OM out of my life completely. I have no direct contact with him - he won't even look at me - but at the moment we have to be in the same room once a week at work (DH is also there, as are about 40 others). I'm taking steps to ensure that after the next couple of weeks I won't need to be there. I think at the moment seeing him at all is making it impossible to get past things. I think after that I'll be better placed to make a decision about what to do next.