People in happy long-term relationships/marriages - any tips?

[plantsitter]

I have 2 pre-school children and I'm a SAHM and to be honest, although of course I love my kids, I'm feeling a bit squashed in drudgery. DH works long hours in a stressful job and is not enjoying that much at the moment either.

I think each of us resents the other a bit, and neither appreciates properly the work the other is doing. In short, we are getting on each other's tits and therefore not getting on especially well. I find that on top of everything else it's really depressing that we don't always seem to be on the same side and some days seem to be a criticism contest.

Any tips on how to feel closer to each other and more like a team than competing factions? We do have quite a lot of sex. But honestly I find it annoying that the only time one of us is nice to the other is when whichever one it is wants a shag!

Any advice much appreciated.

Not that I actually would smack him, I hasten to add.

Having a cuddle, with no strings just before you fall asleep. We dont always go to bed at the same time but its nice when we do just for that couple of minutes of intimate but non-sexual contact.

Im a SAHM so do 90% of the housestuff. My Dh knows that the best foreplay is to empty the dishwasher or clean the bathroom once in a while. To me It shows that he appreciates me and the job I do. (he knows not to cook though, hes a bloody disaster in the kitchen).

I think as well just accepting that there will be hard times - months or years - and that it will get better. I have a about four or five strong memories that I hold onto that remind me of how happy we have been and when Im down or we're not getting on, I think of those and they automatically help me feel more positive about our relationship.

We're not perfect, far from it, but we rub along well together and try to have fun whereever we can.

To me the financial aspect is important too. I couldn't be a SAHM if my DH acted as if he earned all the money and should therefore have more say in how to spend it. We are a partnership, we both work hard in different ways and the money is earned and spent by both of us as a team. Not necessarily by having equal spending money, but more in our attitude towards money. As a SAHM, you need to be respected and valued - the finances are a way of proving this.

A friend once reminded me that it's a privilege to be able to look after your kids, not a chore. Suddenly doing all the 'work' became something I wanted to do rather than something I had to do.

Now we slightly compete over taking the DCs out or doing fun things with them.

After 25 years, I would second time together.

We always had dinner for just the two of us one night a week with some wine. We'd chat about the week we'd had and just be together. Obviously sometimes it was interrupted, but most of the time we managed it.

The other thing was to split the evening chores so we both did stuff and could sit down at the same time. We sometimes managed a half hour chat before we had to go to bed.

I'd agree on a cuddle when you get into bed as well, and first thing in the morning if the alarm wakes you before the children.

You're not allowed to complain about something he does if you ever (ever) do it yourself.

It gets easier once the children are in school. Hang in there - one foot in front of the other. Try to be gentle on yourself and dh in the meantime.

Thanks everyone. All this is very helpful and I will be showing DH this thread if we can manage to have a conversation about it...

We have a sort of code to make each other back off - "I am not the enemy here". It gets used when we have slid towards blaming each other for whatever it is that is stressing us out. Whoever is feeling under pressure can invoke it - and usually it means that the other takes a deep breath - and then we try to talk rather than snipe at each other.

yy to time together - however fleeting when the kids are tiny. I put in place a reciprocal monthly babysit with a good friend - so we know that we'll get out at least once a month. I like the idea of a coffee date!

It is also good to get with other and see your spouse through other's eyes. I find myself looking over at DH and thinking how dapper he looks or how charming he is - and how comfortable he is making other people feel and I fall for him again.

Don't take each other for granted - giving thanks for effort and small kindnesses is important.

Find a way to have some small physical contact every day - that doesn't have to lead to sex. Just a hug, or briefly holding hands whilst watching the kids in the playground.

Don't hide your head in the sand - if you sense something is up, gently pursue it. Troubles shared are more easily carried - even though as a SAHM, hearing about his problems at work can often make me feel intensely vulnerable. I can see he sometimes has to make an effort to take my problems seriously, but he does and doesn't belittle me for my domestic traumas.

Remember to laugh and treasure your children together.

Love is . . . Living with someone who u sometimes want to kill, but u don't because u would miss them!
Some great advice on this thread, thanks

I think you must respect each other as individual people. Try not to take each other for granted, easier said than done in a long term relationship.

Be honest with each other and be prepared to accept their criticism of you if you are critical of them.

Make time got yourself and have time with them. Instead of seeing it as living together its more of a choice to share your life with someone and support each other through the rough times and include them in the good times.

I live with my best friend and I like to think we look after each other. We've been through some horrific things together and had some big bumpy patches but each time we come out better because of it.

Talk to each other! It takes two people to make a relationship work and it doesn't come easily!

I love a good wedding (we went to one in August) and getting married was the best thing I ever did. But after 36 years of marriage, I look at the stars in the bride and groom's eyes and think "you really don't know what is coming".

It really was like being on cloud 9 at first, but then the difficulties creep in. I decided that my marriage would be for life, so we just gritted our teeth and got through the hard times somehow. To have divorced would have been the greatest personal shame for me, even though it's so commonplace now. We have raised four sons, we love them to bits and we are now so proud of what we have achieved. Nothing more than millions of other couples have achieved, but your own family is very special to you.

I look back on the early days together and wish it could be like that in some ways again, but back then we had worries that we don't have now. So each stage of marriage has its good and bad aspects. When our boys were small, we never had time for each other, never had enough money, never felt we were doing enough for them, but I would love to go back and have just one day how it was then - at the same stage as the OP right now.

This is a bit of a ramble, but I am so pleased to have been married - even though there were times just as the OP describes. All I can say is, if you got married for the right reasons and you and your DH stick to the plan you roughed out when you decided to throw in your lots together, it will all work out in the end. I wish you both all the best

We've been married 17 years, together 18 and were mates before that for a few years.
I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been times when I could have swung a shovel at his head. The worst times for us have been the bloody competitive tiredness when the kids were tiny, and the year after his mum died when, however much rope/support I tried to give him, he was just vile. I used to dread hearing his car coming up the drive sometimes.
But the bottom line is that he's fundamentally decent and kind and we are both the other's favourite person. I was being a grumpy so and so recently and we were snapping at each other and we caught ourselves, said "old witch" and "old bastard" to ech oher and laughed about it.
We both agree that no one else would ever put up with us.

There are some really touching posts here. Thanks everyone.

it also helps to know that for most couples, the first 3 years after your first baby are the hardest, as it changes everything and you have to start from scratch, in a way, nothing can prepare you for that, it rocks the foundations of any marriage!

For me (DD is 17 months old) although it sounds ridiculous I genuinely believe that sleep/rest is the biggest factor in how "in love" I feel and how nice I am to DH. It is tiring being at home with a toddler and without time where I can just be and not have the responsibility of looking out for her I get emotionally and physically exhausted. Then if DH tried to talk to me about anything I just think "surely you can look after yourself for crying out loud" which means date nights never works unless I have had a lie in or a couple of hours during the day "off" in the last two weeks (same for him). As long as we had that then it was just about wrestling him off the computer spending time together either as a family or as a couple.

We haven't been married as long as those up thread but you just asked for happy and we are that. But it does take a bit more thought than it did!

Wideboy - lovely post

Ginger thanks for your input - advice welcome from someone else currently in the 'zone'! Laqueen, I think we have the kind of relationship you're talking about. I hope so. I know what you mean, anyway, so that shows me something.

And I agree with oldbootface - Wideboy, your post made me tear up.

Many helpful replies. Thanks.