My Passive Aggressive husband has announced he is leaving ... but won't go. How do I get him to leave?

[Twimpo]

Any ideas? After almost 20 years of marriage (and 3 children), my PA husband announced two weeks ago that he can't live with me anymore and is leaving me. Initially I was devastated as I have put up with some pretty unspeakable behaviour over the years and couldn't believe that he had the cheek to throw me away. However, now I am over the shock I can't wait to see the back of him. My 2 youngest children who are still at primary school are going to be devastated as they absolutely worship him. But my eldest who is 18, has seen what I have been put through and also can't wait until he moves out. My sons words were ... it's going to be great, we will have a happy house mum and all that anger will go! Anyway, in my husband's usual manipulative way, he is just sat there and isn't even looking for anything. It's like another way to torture me. How do I get him to leave? I am showing him flats that I have seen on the internet, but he just keeps saying he will go when he is ready and that he might still be here at Christmas!!! I can't stand it, of all the things he has done to me, this is driving me the most crazy.

Yes, this all helps. His behaviour has been so awful for so long, i've actually tuned out to him. However, this is a whole new ball game, but he's not right in the head and I understand that his lack of love/feelings for me, means he can enjoy this next phase and will do whatever it takes to try and get me to crack .... preferably in front of the children. He is being a saint with the kids, whilst I have been quite bad tempered as he is winding me up so much by letting them get away with murder, feeding them all sorts of crap and buying them toy after toy. So 'good' daddy and 'grumpy' mummy. But he has always tried to do that ... undermine me in front of the kids. My eldest only saw through it when he reached 16 and started a steady relationship ... and then realised that it wasn't normal for one parent to sleep on the couch. He also became much more aware of the constant anger that bubbles below the surface ... but my son laughs it off. It's his coping mechanism. But the constant 'tourettes' my hubby has developed over the past 2 years absolutely drives me to distraction, where he mutters the word 'cow', and then when I challenge him he denies it pretending he said 'oh god' instead. He slams doors ... whether cupboard, dishwasher .. and then claims he didn't, that this is the noise they make when you close them. Sorry, I am off at a tangent, but I need to vent somewhere as I have been bottling it all up for years.

Olgaga, wow! thank you so much for all that information. I will have a good read through.

Have you considered calling Womens Aid? I'm sure they have some techniques for getting abusive/difficult partners to leave when they don't want to. And have you ever asked a GP to do a mental health assessment.... bit of straw-clutching perhaps but do you think he has undiagnosed MH issues?

I have always thought he was depressed, and he has always been a very angry man. He hates everyone but his immediate family and the kids. He rages about politics, football, you name it and he will be angry about it. But he never does anything about it .. ie .. counselling, or speaking to his gp. My son had issues at school a couple of years ago and we were all referred for counselling. Hubby came along to one session and declared it crap and full of idiots and didn't go back. Their take on it was that I was a single mum to my son and my hubby wasn't interested. They suggested family sessions but he wouldn't go. He thinks counselling is for fools ... so there is no persuading him to go see someone. He has always put me down. I don't suit make-up apparently, I can't sing (even though I was in the choir at school), i'm not very clever (I have been to University, he doesn't even have one certificate from school!), he often slates me if I get something wrong with the kids and calls me 'mother of the year' .. it's not meant as a compliment. He hates my cooking and openly slags off any dish I make in front of the kids, the list is endless. But no, I don't think it is a mental health issue. I read something online that said that for PA people it is a lifestyle choice. He is choosing to be the way he is. He's a twunt!

yep he is choosing it.
and you can choose a difffernt life.
so choose a different life for you .
you cannot change him but you can change your reaction and your life

Definitely speak to Women's Aid. He is not just passive aggressive, he is emotionally abusive. He puts you down, insults you in front of your children, withholds affection, refuses to support you financially or emotionally, calls you names and then denies it, shouts and bangs things...all signs of an abusive partner.

Plenty of people are depressed and have issues, but they don't take them out on their loved ones. He is an adult who is completely abdicating his responsibility for his behaviour and casually allowing his whole family to suffer as a result.

Sorry Cogito, not ignoring you. Very busy day! I have emailed a couple of local solicitors, off the resolution site, but no reply yet.

But the more I read of Twimpo's situation, and all the others in similar situations on MN, the more I think maybe I'm just an attention-seeking fraud. :(

My h is nowhere near as bad as some on here. Makes me wonder if it is just me wanting the impossible and this is as good as it's ever going to get. And get on with it

< hijack over>

Twimpo, I wish you luck and strength to do what's right for you and your DCs. I can't help but wonder what my two girls would be like today, if I 'd have taken them away while still in primary school instead of subjecting them to years of listening to us argue and watching me cry while pretending not to :(

"He is choosing to be the way he is. He's a twunt!"

A twunt and also a highly abusive man. The definition of domestic violence has recently been expanded to include a lot of the things you describe. You're clearly a strong person or you would be completely ground into the dirt by the behaviour you describe. Womens Aid would almost certainly be able to help you turf this nasty piece or work out of the front door....