The end

[AsTheWorldFalls]

DH has been talking about splitting up. He feels like I don't love him anymore, and in a way he's right. Though right now it's more that I dont feelable to love anyone.My depression has been bad for a long time now, not helped by lots of horrible events. (sudden long lasting mobility problems, homelessness, redundancies, losing a parent to cancer two weeks before DS was born, a horrific pregnancy, and fights with my remaining parent - if you recognise me, don't out me on this thread please)

while my depression is understandable, he isn't wrong to want to leave. For a long time now I've just wanted to be left alone, and that's hard on him.

problem is, I dont know wjhat to do if he does go. Ds is only 7 months old and I can't bear to be apart from him. However between my depression and health problems it's quite possible DS would be better off with DH, even if it would break my heart.

Though there is a bit of me that would like DH to take Ds as then I'd feel able to kill myself.

I dont want DH rto know this though as I dont want him to stay for that reason alone.

He''s said he doesn't want togo, but he doesnt want to stay in a loveless marriage either.

I feel so broken and numb.

I dont know where to turn.

in practical terms I cant work due to my helth problems but I know tht with the changes happeninf I'll be deemed fit for work. We currently live in a council house, so dont know what happens if we split, neirther of us coulds afford to move.

it would be easier for everyone if I was dead.

Oh my love, it must seem as though the world is collapsing in on you and your DH and it must seem like you are in an impossible situation. No-one would be better off if you were dead - absolutely no-one especially your beautiful DS.

Would you benefit from talking to someone who could look at all your issues dispassionately and help you eat the proverbial elephant. Maybe you and your DH's emotional connection has gone away because of all the other shit you seem to have had thrown at you in the last year and talking to an unconnected third party can help you both through it together?

Oh sweetheart. Please give your GP a call, or even the Samaritans. You sound like you desperately need someone to talk to.

It really wouldn't be easier for everyone if you were dead. Your DS loves you, as I'm sure do your family and friends - all of whom would be devastated if you died. And your DH sounds as though he does too, but just can't cope any more.

Whatever help you're getting, it clearly isn't working right now and needs to be reassessed. But you don't and won't have to feel like this forever. Your post is articulate and insightful, which means you have many of the tools required to beat this with some help from your GP. When was the last time you saw a health professional about your various problems?

What would you most like to change in your life to make things easier for you? What little things will help even if they won't make things magically ok? Are these goals anything you and your DH can work on? As you know, depression can be very hard on those living with the person suffering from it, but often they just want to be able to help in some way rather than being shut out. Giving your DH something to do would bring you closer and might offer you some much-needed practical help.

I hope you feel better soon.

I'm sat in the car park outside the doctors, they've decided to up my anti depressant dosage, and I've been told to call CMHT to get them to move me up the waiting list.

So I've been sat here with a bag full of sertraline and cocodamol, wondering if there's enough tjhere to kill me quickly or idf it would be slow and painful.

OK hon, you need to get out of the car and go back into the doctors and tell them you are feeling like this. If you dont feel you can do that, call the Samaritans and talk to them the number is 08457 90 90 90 - please call them now or speak to someone in the Doctors but you have to talk to someone in real life.

Is your DS OK - who has him?

Dh has him. I cant walk back in there

Hi op,

Sometimes it feels like you must have really pissed someone off upstairs or been a serial killer in a previous life to get so much shit thrown at you.

This is how I used to feel, I thought my shit fan was sooo much bigger than everyone elses because they were bringing the shit in dumper trucks to throw at it.

I have been where you are lovey, and sometimes it seems you cant see the wood for the trees. First let me say go see your GP and and ask for some urgent counselling, your hubbie must be at his wits end if he is seeing his leaving as a last resort, it might be a plea for your to listen and see where to go for help from here. Because of what happened to me over many years including losing two children plus other huge things, my life ran like a bad episode of Dallas, I have trained in the last 3yrs to become a counsellor, and I can say here and now, it does help, I will also add that your not being their for your child will have a profound lifetime effect on your him, I know this because I see it every week with my clients.

there is hope out there babe, its just a case of moving some of the branches out of the way to see a crack of sun light, sometimes when you hit the bottom the only way after that is up.

Please seek help it is out there, you just need to extend your hand and there are loads of us out there who will help guide you through this dark time.

xx

You have to, you have to do it for your son and all the people who do love you - you might not think it but there will be many. If you cant face the walk back into the Doctor's call an ambulance, tell them how you are feeling and let them take all the decision making away from you until you are in a better place.

You also have to tell your DH how you are feeling - trust me he will understand and love you

No. The easy way out Oscar not allowed if you have a child.
Urgent counselling or increase in Antidepressants won't cut it anymore, either. If your GP does not listen when you say you're suicidal, call the MH team.Now. Tell them you have left DC with your DH and are going to take an overdose. They will see you.
Alternatively, go to A+E and tell them. Or get DH to take you there.
What is he going to tell your DC when they are older?

OP sweetheart, are you OK?

(Not sure who Oscar is???? Autocorrect gone mad!)

as the world falls so sorry you are suffering so much. The staff from the surgery need to tell the CMHT to move it, not you. Can your DH ring the surgery first thing in the morning? You are ill and it can and will get better when you get the right help. I feel for you very much, but don't act on how you feel. Your family needs you and there is a way forward even if you can't see it now xx

I hope you are OK OP.

Listen to me : You don't want to die
You don't want to leave your son. You are his mummy and he needs you and you know that.
You just want a release from the dreadful pain you are in.

Many people who commit suicide feel as you do. I have a longstanding MH problem, and have felt as you do many times. I have sat on a railway platform alone in the dark, with a ticket I know I won't use, agonising about whether to walk out into the middle of the tracks and get smashed to atoms. I have thought about what to buy from which pharmacy and where to take it so I won't be found (and I know exactly what to take, what would be lethal and painless, because of my job).

But at none of these times have I really wanted to die. I've just wanted to escape from the awful pain in my mind.

I've talked to my psychiatrist about this - about wishing I was dead but not really wanting to die, just wanting a happy life and feeling it's totally out of reach. She understood, and didn't dismiss it. But she said that people do - her words - 'get killed' when they feel like this.

What she meant was that someone feeling like this isn't really dying by their own hand, out of choice, they are being killed by an illness. There are very few rational deliberate suicides. Most are impulsive acts, or desperate ones, born of inability to cope with massive emotional pain.

So many could have been avoided. You MUST seek help with this. I know how it feels, I promise you. Don't let thinking about suicide be another thing that makes you feel bad about yourself. It's an understandable reaction to stress and pain that feels completely unbearable. It's not weak or shameful, it doesn't mean you're a bad mother.

Get help. Go to A&E. Call the emergency MH line and the local crisis team will come and help you. Make yourself safe by doing this. We pay our taxes so the NHS can pick up someone like you and put them back together when they need to.

I don't know if you've ever really felt this bad before. I have an illness that means I've felt like that many times, but that protects me because I know it will pass and life will feel happy again one day - because it has happened before. If you don't know this yourself, believe me, things will change. You won't always feel like this.

Get help, please.xx

I have chronic pain and have felt like ending it too. Have made the same 'logical' plans re pills etc, but keep going for my son's sake. NO ONE can love your son like you can. He needs a Mum - things may not be perfect or how you want to be but that is enough. My DS is now almost 13 and says I am the best mum in the world - I mostly only watch TV and films with him as dont get out much but we talk and chat together ALL the time and always cuddle and tell him I love him. This has been enough. Not the Mum I want to be but enough.
Dont let him loose the chance to be unconditionally loved by you and to know you.

How are you feeling today op?

No matter how low you go, you can not leave your baby without its mums. Its easier if it just you but not if you have someone that relies on you for everthing. You can't do it. xxxx

OP, I've just read this and I really really do hope you are ok and are getting help. You can and will get through this but you need the right support, you can't do this alone. Please, please, please let someone help you. As Tiredofwaiting has said this utter despair WILL pass, even if you don't believe it right now, even if that idea seems incomprehensible to you - trust that it will.

I know that everyone who has read this or replied is thinking of you right now, willing you to make contact with the GP or the hospital or call the MH helpline or Samaritans; wanting you to be ok. You can do it - you posted here, which was the first step. Telling a MH professional how you're feeling is just the next step. It's just one small step after the other. Don't think too far ahead, just to the next step. We're all right here to hold your hand, every step of the way.

I'm going to tell you something that I don't often talk about in RL, and I'm telling you only because you're having thoughts that your DS will be better off without you. My mum was in exactly your position 21 years ago, she was suffering with intense clinical depression and desperately wanted a way out of the hideous emotional pain. Tragically, she got to the point where she believed that thought, and she took an overdose one day whilst my brother, sister and I were at school. I know she wasn't thinking clearly, she only wanted to end her suffering and in her jumble of extreme thoughts as she tried to cope with the overwhelming pain, she must have decided we would be better off without her in our lives. She was only 41. Her death left an unimaginable void in so many lives. Every day I wish she was still here, I miss her dreadfully - if only things had turned out differently, if only she had felt that day that she had another option. There was barely any help available for people with depression when she died. Her family didn't understand - everyone simply told her to 'pull herself together for the sake of the kids'. She got no help at all, and I fully believe if she had been supported and offered good MH treatment (not just drugs) she would still be here today.

Thankfully, things are different these days. There is good, effective support out there, OP - please, please, please take that next step and know that things will get better, for you and for your son x