Long time lurker/occasional poster needs help.
I am throwing this out for advice as I feel so confused.. I am 37, I have been with my DP for nearly 3 years ? he?s 40. We do not live together. I have my own house and car and a good job.
It has been quite a fiery relationship at times. The first two years were fab. The last year not so much. We used to fight and then not speak for a few days until one of us would call the other. We split for a couple of weeks earlier this year because we were arguing so much. I suspect that the arguments were a symptom of my underlying frustration at our lack of progress with regards to moving in together or discussing marriage and children and I did tell him this.
We then got back together and we both committed to making things work which has been quite successful. I made it very clear when we got back together that it was only on the proviso that we were moving together in the same direction and that there would be some movement on commitment in the near future, which he agreed to. We have been getting on better, less arguing and resolving arguments quicker.
My problem is that I find as time goes on I have less and less respect for him. He is very unmotivated. He has a good job but does the bare minimum to get by which irritates me hugely and I don?t know if this is a deal breaker or not. I am ambitious and conscientious and have been successful in my career to date. I am very sociable and am always meeting family and friends. He on the other hand has very little life outside work and me ? although he is devoted to his family and sees them very regularly.
When we talk about the future, moving in / getting married, he always always comes back to this one excuse that ?until your temper improves?. I just feel like this is a hook to hang me on. I have lost my temper in the past during rows, but I have gotten much better at this (in part from coming off the pill ? a whole other thread).
The situation is more complicated because if I am utterly honest I like having my space to myself and as time has gone on, I discourage him from coming over as much. I was single until my mid 30s so think I have just got used to it. I also think I am trying to force him to see that he can?t behave as if we are living together/married when we are not?so limiting the amount of time he spends at mine, nearly like punishment??
I?m just so confused. I am very keen to have kids and I feel this huge ticking time bomb in my head given my age combined with well meaning comments from family and friends which add to the pressure. For a long time ? until the last few months - was sure I wanted them with him. But as time goes on I feel like I am losing respect for him and I don?t know if this is because there has been no progress or would it be happening anyway?
We were on holiday in September. I wanted to talk about the future. It is ALWAYS me who brings it up. I made a comment about people bringing children on holiday and would we do that and he dismissed my comment. I then brought it back round again and said I felt we should be able to talk about these sorts of things. He lost his temper and we ended up having a row. When I forced him to talk about it I asked him about marriage / children he said he did want to be with me, he didn?t want to lose me and he did it see it ?in the next year or two?. But this is just not enough for me anymore and I can?t seem to make him see it.
I know some of you may say it?s time to leave him or give him an ultimatum. If that is the right thing I would do it, but I just don?t know if it is! I don?t want to end it and then regret it down the line. However I would also rather lose my chance of having children than be with the wrong person and be miserable.
He is a good, kind, man. Considerate and intelligent and funny and I enjoy his company and feel utterly comfortable with him and I love him. Even if the feelings are less strong at the minute, I think I could get them back. He loves me very much, I am sure. I just don?t know if this is enough any more.