its not all black and white

[Gillyt75]

i have been with my partner for 3 yrs. we both left previous marriages to be together. (both marriages were dysfunctional)after a year we had had a son and i found out around the same time he had been unfaithful. I forgave this and we def moved on. we have now had our second child. my partner is well off and has a good Job. i have a good job but nothing else. i have taken extended leave to look after our babies. Money was always a sore point with me as i was the main earner in my marriage and im mot used to being a kept woman.
anyway onto the problem.
my ex and i handed the keys to our house back to the mortgage company and luckily were able to walk away. as we are both broke we are using the DIY Divorce route.
stupidly in the heat of a moment i told my partner we had money coming to us from the house ( i dunno why i said it) and i told him we were using a solicitor for our divorce. now he wants to meet the solicitor as he thinks because im being vague that the solicitor is trying to con me. i know i need to come clean but im not sure how. i really need another opinion please.

thank you all so much for your advice. im afraid i do not feel secure in this relationship. I feel like he could do better so im worried thats what will happen. I mean he left his wife why wouldnt he leave me. i dont generally lie in relationships but in this case I paniced when we were discussing my divorce and getting rid of the house.
I agree though im more than willing to face up that i lied it was bloody stupid but it was a mistake. i was feeling insecure at the time. it was about a year ago when i said it and i have regretted it from that moment. i should have come clean well before now. rather than wait till i was backed into a corner.

Come clean and tell the absolute truth.

You are good enough on your own you don't need to come with a lump sum.

Don't be tempted to cover it up, tell the truth..

Don't start by mentioning he was unfaithful, that was in the past and you forgave him and you stayed together so can't use that as a stick now.

Something perhaps like, "You know when you say something stupid and wish you hadn't, then it seems like a bigger deal the more time goes on? Well, I don't know why on earth I said it and I wish I hadn't, it's just that -" and what you've said here, just the facts, you're using a DIY Divorce thing because you and ex couldn't afford to do otherwise, and you gave back the keys to the house, that's it.

If you're not able to look him in the face, do something mundane like folding washing or something as you speak. If you think he's going to kick off, time it for when the children are out of earshot and have your mobile phone discreetly to hand, actually if you think he's going to react badly maybe a different approach would be better altogether.

Sorry x-posted, unless he's got a skewed sense of proportion I think he should accept what you said was daft but not a relationship breaker, please don't undervalue yourself.

I mean he left his wife why wouldnt he leave me.

What about you, perhaps he thinks that same.

How do you think he will react or does that depend on what mood he's in?

"he can do better" ?

well, both of you can, actually

arrgh that came out wrong

I meant that you have had a notoriously poor start to your relationship. Ones that come out of infidelity never have a secure footing, really. Who's to say you wouldn't shaft him as a payback for his affair ? I soooo would

But your fear of telling him about a simple lie (you don't have granny stuffed in the attic, or a history of robbing banks or summat) is out of proportion

you don't sound very equal in your relationship, and remember you have both come from the same place ie. one is no better than the other

out of interest...was he very contrite for his affair ?

Why do you feel backed into a corner now? Is there some debt involved that he's expecting you to pay off?

the one he had with the other OW, not you

Donkey's opener is a good 'un

use that

and don't be bloody abject !

my donkeys a zombie. Thank you thats agood way of starting it. im very grateful to u all. hes home at 9 gonna tell him than. cheers everyone x

Come back and tell us how it went

and don't be too sheepish

you are not a granny murderer !

hey. i told OH this morning. he hasnt spoken to me since. called me a liar. said when i tried to explain that my excuses were all lies too. said i have lost all credibility. i feel so down now. dont know what to do. he works away from home and when i try to ring he wont answer and when. text he wont reply :-(
any advice welcome.

You have apologised so he should forgive you abdbe decent about it. Don't keep saying sorry . It's over with if he acts nasty he is being unreasonable . Once he has had time to process it that should be it done with. Hope it works out for you

have you namechanged, love ?

it seems your fears were grounded (I thought they might be, no-one is terrified to tell their partner something for no reason)

you have "lost all credibility" have you ?

no, you haven't

you told him the truth, and now he is punishing you

he is the incredible one...in fact, he is a credulous twat to sulk and ignore you, how very juvenile

Don't deal with his sulking. If he is away from home now leave it until he gets back.

He isn't exactly on the moral high ground in your relationship either is he.

Thanks guys. its amazing how posting this and reading the resposes has really helped me be strong here. normally I cave straight away but this time i realise yes i shouldnt have lied but i havent killed anyone. i havent cheated and his reaction is over the top. im not chasing him anymore. im worthy of an adult conversation to deal with this. thanks again guys

Don't get involved with it. You've apologised appropriately to the situation and if he wants to spend the weekend sulking and acting like a child then don't engage with him!