I've been stupid and now am about to become childish

[not16anymore]

Sorry if this is TMI.

New boyfriend (first after leaving abusive marriage in Dec last year)....all going well. He is kind, wonderful, gentle, respectful etc etc etc.

I'd been nagging him to get an STI test for a while and we'd been religiously using condoms for the firs few weeks of our relationship. He hasn't had many sexual partners at all, but had had unprotected sex once.

One evening we were a bit drunk and had (really good!) unprotected sex. I got the morning after pill and we said we'd both go and get tested. I have since got tested and all is fine from my end. I have started taking the pill and we have continued to have sex without condoms.

There is of course a small risk he could have something and I want him to get tested to. He - without prompting from me - keeps saying he is going to do it, but keeps forgetting. It is starting to annoy me. I have told him so and he is apologetic and seems motivated to do something about it, but then doesn't. This has been going on for about 2 weeks.

I want to refuse to have sex again until he does it, but that seems childish - I shouldn't have to prompt him. We both take responsibility for being irresponsible (we are both more than old enough to know better) and I don't think I should have to give him a kick up the arse to do it.

What do you all think? I don't want to get cross again - he gets truly contrite and resolves to do it, but he is not doing it quick enough!

Other than this, he is almost perfect - I feel really lucky.

Control, power, domination, doormat no I read this as someone acting responsibly regarding sexual health.

OP there is still a point in him getting tested. He may have an sti, he may not. Not all sti infections are always transmitted the first time, transmission rates vary widely.

Your body, your life. Take it seriously. No unprotected sex without him having a test.

He is quite selfish isnt he. He is perfectly fine continuing to have unprotected sex with you because he knows YOU are clean, so you cant infect him with anything.

I would bin a man with such attitude and lack of care for his partner.

Control, is that not what he has now, as he is refusing to get tested for her? But she has been tested and proved that she is clean?

In order for her not to be a doormat for him, she should leave.

Genital warts for example. Not transmitted the first time....

It's hardly manipulative

I think it is. The OP has been saying for a while 'get a test' he has agreed but not done it (who h would be enough for me to think twice) but she has continued to have sex with him, including unprotected sex.
To withhold sex now, after she has happily participated knowing he hasn't been tested, almost seems like she is withholding sex until he behaves. Where really had she have said 'i will not have unprotected sex' in the first place.

But I actually think she should really think twice about being with him. If she has expresses how important it is and he 'forgets' it really speaks volumes.

If you decided to not have unprotected sex for some other reason, yes that would be manipulative. In this case you not having unprotected sex could actually save your life. HIV for example, is very random on infection rates depending on the circumstances.

Surely you are worth more OP than this man's inability to 'remember'.

She doesn't need to withhold sex, just unprotected sex...

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am on my phone so excuse brevity.

Hissy thanks. I was a long term lurker and occasional poster on the EA boards and you were very helpful. I have done FP, still doing counselling and I think I am getting there. I have (until now) always taken sexual health very seriously and need to appreciate I have set the new BF quite a bad example but have now come to my senses.

NotQuint he is being selfish, but has not displayed any selfish traits otherwise so I feel conflicted. In any case, I have spoken to him this evening and explained how important it is to me. He had been labouring under some massive SH misconceptions! No excuse and I told him so. He is taking me and him to be tested tomorrow morning (privately to make sure they screen for everything) before work and we will not have sex - protected or otherwise - again until everything comes back clear or we have been treated.

CathynotClaire I don't think I at any point suggested that there was no point him getting a test. I very much agree he should as soon as possible.

Mydonkey - I am NOW being responsible having previously been a bit bloody stupid

mutny I do sort of see your point, hence my original question. But at the same time I am allowed to change my mind an start acting like a responsible adult rather than an idiot.

He is the one being manipulative. Keeps saying he'll get checked then doesn't? Pretty manipulative. OP on the other hand has been open about her feelings and what she wants.

OP you are just reaching the end of your tether in trying to make this man see sense. So what happens if he still won't get tested. Or do you really want to have to work this hard for him to take you seriously? It isn't respectful. If roles were reversed and he was asking you, wouldn't you have done it by now? Really, it shouldn't be this hard.

Well let's see if he keeps his promise for tomorrow morning's test! I don't know whether it's gone on too long now though - I am at the end of my tether.

goldship the OP clarified she was considering no sex protected or un protected.

Op you certainly do have the right to change your mind. I just think you need to do more than consider the temporary abstinence. You say this is important to you. But he 'forgets'. Its not really a good sign imo.

Rather than just withholding sex, I think you need to rething the relationship. Imo.

Also acting like a responsible adult would be withholding unprotected sex. You have said sex completely.
I would worry about a relationship where I had to do things like this.

Well, we have now both gone this morning and had tests. He's really apologetic but it might be a case of too little, too late. I shouldn't have had to prompt him.

I didn't threaten to with-hold sex in the end. I just told him it had gone on too long and we had to get it sorted. He keeps saying sorry but that's not really impacting on how I feel right now. I just wish I hadn't had to ask so many times.

It is possible that he is like this with a lot of thingsq.

DH is a prevaricator, who will find any excuse not to do something until he is a) in the mood, b) has the right tools. However it seems impossible to find the right tools......

You see I could not be with someone like that, Tbh. I hate putting stuff off. Especially things he knows are important. I would not want to be constantly putting my foot down. But you need to decide what you can live with.
I wish more clinics opened before 8am. Here you can't get an appointment for love nor money.

Jux - you might be right - I think this is a character trait of his. It's the only negative one I have seen so far.

Ironically, my STBXH would have got a test like a shot had I asked him....but I lived in fear of his next angry outburst, was constantly put down and walking on eggshells. New BF is the kindest, most gentle and considerate person I have ever met. That's why I am so annoyed at him now!

mutny the clinic here is great. Doors open at 7 and we were seen straight away, even though we were outside the age group the Thursday morning clinic is for.

Yes - I need to work out whether this is a deal breaker or not. I'm not sure. He won't change in this regard (putting stuff off), so I need o work out whether I can live with it.

Its not the putting stuff off tbh that would annoy me. Its putting stuff off that is important to me that would naff me off.
If dh was putting stuff off that only effected him, he could crack on. If he knew something was important to me (and possibly effect my health) and still put it off until i put my foot down. Then it would be a desk breaker.
and vice versa.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker fo rme. He put it off, he's done it now. To be fair, whilst your words were saying it was really important, your actions weren't and you gave him mixed messages there. Enjoy your new relationship, it sounds pretty good.

I'm conveniently away now until the results are back so I'll take some time to consider whether I find this a deal breaker. I'm not sure and, given my past relationship experience, I am glad of the time apart.

PropositionJoe - yes I had been giving him mixed messages. After the first accident I should have not let it happen again