Anyone ever gone to counselling due to mad/bad inlaws?

[poozlepants]

I am seriously considering it. I have had 20 odd years of dealing with people who are at best indifferent to me but MIL is now being downright rude to me and it is stressing me out. We are in one of these situations where SIL is the golden child but spoilt. PIL's who think she is all shades of wonderful though she rules mostly by tantrums, manipulation and lies. DH is the quiet, clever one who gets no credit and I'm his annoying wife who is there to give gifts and to do birthday parties, family events , mothers days, fathers days but basically treated as the maid of all works not a family member.
Things have escalated since grandchildren have come along- the competitiveness and the bitchiness has risen to all new high and MIL is so enamoured of being bessie mates with SIL that me and my DS are getting treated with absolute contempt. Even my own mother who spent a lifetime dealing with weird inlaws thinks they are beyond the pale.
DH won't enage. Won't stand up for me, or DS or himself. He spent a lifetime dealing with it by ignoring it and not letting it get to him. I get angry with him for not manning up but if I'm honest I don't think we couldn't afford the psychiatrist's bills if he started.
It has taken me a long time but I am scared that I am actually starting to hate them. I don't want to because life will be intolerable if I do but I need a way to deal with them. Has anyone else had counselling? What sort of counselling do I need? Would they laugh at me? I feel stupid as I have had my own family issues in the past but have eventually dealt with them successfully without help. I do know my main problem is that I am a doormat and a people pleaser but is hard to change.

I thought about going to counselling for the very same problem but not sure if they deal with DIL/MIL relationships as opposed to married couples. Also what would you do if the advice they gave you was something that may make things worse between you and your husband? ie just ignore MIL (but then that could make you resentful).

This is a massive assumption but I'm beginning to think that the natural order of things is that maternal MILs prefer their daughters and their children over their sons and their children and paternal MILs just see DILs as competition. Of course that isn't always the case but from what I've read and heard it seems quite common. Now if you are in a situation like me where my MIL has no daughters then the situation explodes. I have two sons and no daughters and I have to make sure that I am not like this when my sons have children.

Can sympathise. My relationship w MIL can get competitive .. After a few days, under one roof but generally, its fab! Shes supportive, loving and fun..sadly everything my own DM is not so i do think best not to overgeneralise.

I'd agree with just not making her opinion of you important. I've always had distant relatives though, with distant (geographically) grandparents as a child. We don't tend to have feuds or big family rows and get on well when we see each other, same with inlaws. I don't do cards/ presents/ phone calls to my husband's family though. That's his job, plus I think it's important for men to keep in contact with their family and women not to take over. If he chose to distance himself from them I would see that as his choice.
I would however expect him to stick up for me if anyone was unpleasant to me.
If your MIL is rude then see alot less of her. Pretend she lives 400 miles away. Leave contacts to your husband.
Stop expecting anything from them and find people you like to socialise with.

IA71

"I thought about going to counselling for the very same problem but not sure if they deal with DIL/MIL relationships as opposed to married couples. Also what would you do if the advice they gave you was something that may make things worse between you and your husband? ie just ignore MIL (but then that could make you resentful). "

Not sure about normal counselling but Relate for one or two - I would say would be great for these issues.

I came out feeling as light as a feather - becasue I felt more unified with DH - they spoke alot about " our boundaries with THEM" ie shored us up - we ARE a family unit - we have a child we have as much right to protect that - as they do to do what they want.

BUT we dont have to accept what " they" want as OUR family unit is the MAIN one to "US".

It helped to stop the wimpering and wavering and oooohh....am i being horrid etc....lets be door mats let are marriage suffer to appease these nasty bullies.....

I also found my DH opened up a bit more with a third person there asking him questions.

My dh has always had major probs with his DP's though and he knows exactly what the issues are - he had already been to counselling for them, so for him it was a little refresher...

poozlepants, I actually had to check the username and date of your post as I thought it was an old thread of mine. I was in exactly the same position as you. After 8 years of putting up with shit from the SIL, we had to cut her out of our lives. DH never stood up for me. It was awful.

Unfortunately, I still have to put up with the ILs. Three weeks ago, I nearly died in childbirth. I spent a few days in intensive care then was sent home. When I got home there was an email from MIL to DH: "so glad that DLC is out of hospital - it will be so much easier for you". DH could not see why I was upset about this.

Feel for you all, I too have a horrid IL situation that spiralled completely out of control. With a lot of support from these boards and my own family, I've resolved not to see them again as it was becoming too much to deal with. I have told DH this is my decision and now I have had a lovely peaceful time, I don't regret it for a moment. We only live once and these toxic people can ruin lives, relationships and families if they are given free rein to do so.

You really, really don't have to put up with it. These people are generally narcissists, surrounded by willing enablers who are blind to their faults and the pain they cause (pinotnoirprincess, if you haven't looked up narcissistic personality disorder yet, I would recommend you do - suits your SIL and my MIL to a tee! AttilatheMeerkat is an oracle of knowledge and very helpful on this topic, too.)

The SIL is an interesting dynamic in the whole mil/pil thing!!!

In your case its doubly sad as it sounds like you would get on with your MIl and that she does like you genuinley.

A mother and daughter relationship can be soo close and personal and wonderful. It should allow for a third party ie DIL but I can imagine sometimes you have your wonderful DD then along comes DIL who seems more wonderful....you might secretly wish they were your DD or - where did you go wrong.....or just be jealous....or DD be jealous....

You can certainly see how alot of nice innocent DILS could be really up agaisnt irrational hate.

My mum was one of four sister and had two brothers. all the sisters sadly didnt like one of the wives - thier SIL...

even now - that SIL in her 70's will do family visits but never realised how much they all dispised her - and be immedialty on the phone to each other....all becasuse she marrired their " adored" brother....

im getting confused by poozle and pinot!

Just looked up narcissistic personality disorder and it is my MIL. Has anyone who doesn't have a supportive DH ever told him that his mum has this and how did he take it?

OP - I sympathise, in fact my DH could probably have written your post as it's my "parents" and half sister that are toxic. I've recently had counselling as I've spent years trying to sort it out with them, and here's what I've learnt:

Don't bother.

You won't sort it out with them. They don't give a shit about you. I've spent years doing the whole hope over experience thing and it doesn't do you any good. I kept thinking that if I somehow managed to explain myself in just the right way they would see how badly they were behaving and be sorry and treat me decently.

It will never happen.

Like other people on here have said, you just need to cut or reduce contact. If you maintain contact you need coping strategies. And keep telling yourself that it's not you, it's them.

ThatBint, my dh also

For me, its been not that they don't give a shit- especially my df. Rather , in their own dysfunction, they utterly discount my right to a different view, deny what happened in my childhood and its ongoing effects and try to "normalise" themselves and dsis by blaming me for their "shadow" unresolved crap which THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH!!! Sorry to shout... as you were... Feel better for that, so bloody hard, like cutting off my leg!

Ive been told to "make peace with them all" - on their terms as above. Ive had to firmly point out that it is up to them all to respect my view and likewise make peace with me! Until such time am going NC with the v sad understanding that this may be it.

salbertina - sorry you're in such a similar boat.

Have you had counselling at all? Mine helped me to realise that in my circumstances NC is the best and kindest thing to do for myself and my family. DH has really struggled with the stress and the fallout from my toxic lot. Also recommend the Toxic Parents book and found this quite helpful as well for ideas about coping strategies etc. You have my sympathies as it's really very hard, my counsellor pointed out that it's similar to a bereavement. x

Hi ThatBint, yes to all. Got both those books - to think i used to think Toxic Parents OTT for my DM/DF, sadly proved wrong! Sorry you're in similar situation. Am in therapy also, v helpful, also went NC recently- heartbreaking yet liberating I found.

Another one here with a SiL stirring stuff up to the extent that we moved 200 miles away after she called me a cunt in my own home. Now MiL, despite having nothing to do all day, won't visit us as she doesn't do trains. Although, she did manage to take an 8 hour flight recently. She's not seen DS in 18 months. DH in full on ostrich mode as per. On the plus side, I don't see any of the evil twats anymore. But coming back to the original question, we haven't gone to counselling but we probably need it. The fall out has been huge, DH never ever fought my corner and years on, all I feel is resentment. We get on fine day to day but I don't see him as the person I once knew. He is fantastic dad but a weak man. I'm not even sure counselling would work, I'm almost past caring.

Yep mine does it too, made it so we couldnt go to mil last xmas....what she doesnt realise is that mil is approaching the age where traditions are set so soon sil wont have a choice who goes where and will have crochety, stuck in her ways "my nightmare mother" as sil calls her every year!.

I'll be the one eating nice food in my own home while sil does the hostess routine (which she is shite at as she never gets any practice).

I'd be looking at cutting contact with mil, she's not bringing anything to the table iyswim.