The MIL saga continues... what should I do?

[Itsmeindisguise]

It's me, Ch, just changed my name because I don't want DH to find this thread...
As some of you are aware I have a horrid MIL and SIL who I don't see very much thanks to a huge blow out more than a year ago. Problem is nothing has been the same between DH and me since that day. TBH the blow out happened after DH decided to do something to stop the abuse I received from his mother, but that only happened after I got so fed up that I announced I was leaving him.
I can't show him much affection since as I don't feel like it anymore. We have been trying to work things out by having an afternoon for ourselves every week but, most of the times, he forgets about it if I don't arrange for it. He's very busy with his job and business so we barely manage to have about 15min of conversation a day away of DS's topic.
I have set a deadline for myself (DH dosn't know about it), we have booked some holidays for the second week of May, if they go well, I might keep trying, if they don't... well, as much afraid as I am, it's time to initiate the process for divorce.
Problem is, that in this very fragile time for our relationship, MIL is opening a new business -one week before the holidays- and DH wants to be there with DS and me. I don't want to go, 3 times our of 4 I see them things end up in tears. I also feel very unwelcome. And, as most of MIL's & SIL's aquaintances only get to hear their side of the story I get a bit of a hostile reception even from people I barely know . So don't really feel like turning up at the lion's den. I have had problems to sleep since DH mentioned about going, so today, I finally said that I really do not want to go.
DH has resented it, but has agreed not to go. My horrid SIL rang today and was as abrupt as usual but he said it was because I was too! I wasn't and it really drives me mad that he's blaming me on that because I can't even talk with her without witnesses because then she goes and acusses me of having said or done thing I never did!
So, the options are:
-Insist DH goes on his own (at the risk of being severely brain washed as he has always being very afraid of contradicting his mum.
-Fool myself into the idea that things are going to be fine and go. Risking having a big MIL induced row with DH (it always happens), ruin the mood for the holidays which are, as I mentioned, a deadline for our marriage to work.
-None of us go. And I loose points with DH
I can insist in staying even if DH goes as my passport was submitted for a visa and DH doesn't know that it may arrive well in time to go to the opening. So using the excuse of no-passport I can stay here, but I would need to lie about the apssport not arriving (I hate lies, so really not convinced about this...)

What would you do?

Thanks for reading all this.

oh dear sounds very fraught and difficult. think I would be tempted to go for your first option - let DH go on his own. That way his family can't at a future point accuse you of trying to cut him off from them.

I think encourage dh to go on his own. And yesm use the passport thing as an excuse. I understand you don't want to lie, but OTOH it will reduce the bust-up if it gives you a cast-iron reason for not going. Worth it, IMO.

Good luck, my dear, it sounds a hideous situation. I hope you come out the other side of it some positive hope for the future.

i think i would go with the first option too.
i do remember reading something about yor probs, but tbh cant rememebr the details. but i wouldnt think that stopping your dh from seeing his mom is a good idea. and i also dont think its a particularly good idea for you to go either if a blow out is guaaranteed.
good luck

That's the point, they accuse me of that already, rather than seeing that screaming to me is not the best way to see their son/brother often, they just assume that it's all my fault, that's why I'm a bit wary of not being there...

i always found that no matter what my inlaws did, if i reacted in anyway at all, then the entire thing became my fault.
simpler to not be there.

I have not been there for quite a while but they still blame me. The other day MIL rang furious and had a big row on the phone with DH blaming me for her not being able to see her grandson more often, it didn't matter how many times DH said I had nothing to do with it,she didn't believe it.

Funny thing is, I havo not spoke to her about anything else than the weather in the last few times we have seen her since the problem. And... I also resent the treatment because it's me who organise the visits (even when I don't feel like it), with the exception of this occassion, all the other times it has been me who has been bugging DH about the duty of contacting/visiting his mum, it's just that I feel badly about being deemed the culprit and be dealt accordingly when it's me who organise the visits.

Am I starting to babble?

no, youre just a good person stuck in the middle of insane woman and her son.
just keep working at your marriage, and ignore the old bat. just coz she thinks its your fault, doesnt mean it is.

You are right. Probably I need to forget about convincing them it's not my fault, or demanding some fairness in this situation.

your dh ought to go. If you are in a situation where you're damned if you do and damned if you don;t, why don;t you not go (which is obviously your preference) but make a gesture of some sort - send her some flowers or a good luck present of some sort with an apology for not being there in person. I know there are some people who would find a way of bitching about even that, but that's out of your control. If this event is going to effect your holiday and, in the cirsumstances, you whole marriage, then don;t go. The holiday is more important.

I can totally sympathise with you.My mil has caused endless rows between me and dh to the point where I told him either he stood up to her or I was leaving. We were engaged, living together and trying for a baby and she wanted to go away on holiday with him alone dh refused to say no to her even though he didnt want to go.I ended up staying at a friends house as he said he couldnt stand up to her through fearof his family disowning him. I went to pick up my things the next day completely hurt and shell shocked that he didnt regard me as being his family iykwim. Anyway he apologised and said he would put us first and that he wanted to be together.It still hurts that it took him overnight to decide that he would put us first but I was pregnant {he didnt know} so I felt I had to accpet this.

Ive tried and tried to be friends with his mum. Ive bitten my tongue despite her rudeness. Whenever she has a problem she never directs it at me its alway dh and I guess im the same. I feel sorry that he has to play piggy in the middle. At the moment neither of us have spoken in nearly 2mths because she didnt get her own way again. I felt really bad for dh yesterday as he didnt send his mum a card yet I could tell he was feeling a bit upset and unsure what to do.I feel so guilty for this womens actions becuase if i wasnt with dh she and dh would be talking.It almost wants to make me leave him as I dont want to be the cause even though i know im not.

I think you need to tell you DH about your deadline. It puts the responsibility back on him how to handle his family.

apart from that, option 1 seems the least damaging.
I hope you get through this ok, you really seem to have been dealt a raw deal with your inlaws.

Thanks for your thoughts :)

I'm here to say that I have paid attention to all your suggestions, I have spent a couple of hours looking for a flight for DH, I also offer him to take DS with him just because I knew he would say no to leave me alone here (I really worry about DH taking full feeding care of my very allergic child besides of MIL making racist comments in front of DS, the screaming around his food habits, etc.).

DH mentioned that he was hurt things had to be this way (not being able to play happy families all together), but shares the view that his mother will find ways to complain whatever I do: If I go beacuse she can't stand me, if I don't because I don't care, and if DS and me dont't go she would say I'm blocking her to see her gs. I had thought about sending the flowers but then I thought better... she is also going to complain about that so Idecided to spent the money in something I like rather than annoying the both of us

So I have been a good girl, hope the things remain OK until the trip.