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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

for all of us stuck in crap relationships,

32 replies

stitch · 26/03/2006 22:56

we cant leave them. or perhapps its that we wont leave them. dont judge us.
reading on the other thread right now, there seem to b e others in even worse relationships than me.
but i want to be able to come onto mumsnet and offload. i dont want to be told again and again to leave him. right now i cant.
some may read that as wont. i dont know. but it is very very miserable when you cant even offload onto mumsnet. so please everyone, give us a break.

OP posts:

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 22:57

we get enough crap from dh's , dont need it from friends as well.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/03/2006 23:01

Oh stitch.

i havent read your threads but i have seen here and there that you are having a tough time. I think i know the reasoning behind the other thread, that doesnt make you feel better, i know. Try not to take it to heart. There is still plenty of support here when you need it

yeamam · 26/03/2006 23:03

I think when you come on MN and post, it's really a vent, you feel safe to vent on here and it's "safe" as most times no-one in RL knows you. I agree stitch that you need somewhere you can come and talk for support, not be bitched at.
What needs to be remembered here, that when we vent, we are usually doing it, clouded with emotion and the red mist comes down and we spill our guts out about our OH's. Yet, the next day they could turn round and do something really kind..... making us feel like dafties for saying anything bad in the first place..especially after you have vented your spleen on MN and everyone has told you to leave him (for not emptying the bin, or not getting up on time, or not giving you a lie-in) and in doing so, implied that you are weak or a lesser person than them as they would never stand for that kind of treatment. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to sisterhood

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:04

thanks vvv. tbh, i am ok right now. but i really really felt for mtp on the other thread. and mn is mostly very supportive. though i think that recently there have been a few threads advocating the dtmfa option.

OP posts:

Caligula · 26/03/2006 23:04

Sorry, I just had a flashback of that episode of My Name is Earl "don't judge me".

Caligula · 26/03/2006 23:05

What's the dtmfa option?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/03/2006 23:05

dtmfa?

granarybeck · 26/03/2006 23:05

stitch, when i really needed to offload on mn about relationship nightmares a couple of years ago it was the support of a few people on here that literally kept me sane. i had only just come across mn and couldn't believe the support i received. Looking back, it was amazing that it really was the opportunity to speak openly on mn about how i was feeling that helped me get through that time. So i really hope others feel able to offload about whatever they feel the need without feeling judged.

lafemmequipensequelleestunchap · 26/03/2006 23:08

Hello Stitch. I think the thread possibly went in a direction it wasn't quite intended too. I didn;t like it either. and fwiw I believe that sometimes it takes more strength of mind and courage to stay than to leave. Society assumes its the weak that stay and the strong that leave. I am not at all convinced that it's always like that. (PS am hatstand - we met at the London meet -up)

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:08

gb, i offload loads here.
in fact, im famous for it
mn is fantastic, but i think recently there have been loads of threads about this . dtmfa is #ditch the motherfucker already# wise words from the savage love columnist!

OP posts:

granarybeck · 26/03/2006 23:09

i am not having a go at comments made on the other thread, i equally enjoy mn for the kind of discussions raised in that thread and the freedom to be able to do that. but i appreciate that people posting here are all in different laces in their lives and i hope all feel able to post openly about where they are and how they are feeling.

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:10

hi hatstie, whats with the longwinded name?

yep, thats me, a tower of strentgh. as opposed to the blithering, blind with tears wimp who sometimes comes on to mn.

OP posts:

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:11

wells said yeamam

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Caligula · 26/03/2006 23:11

Stitch, I think if people come on and start a specific thread asking for advice, people will give them advice, usually fairly non-judgementally.

Most people who are in the "Oh FFS, just leave him" mood when they read a thread, realise that their advice may not be useful and just keep off the thread. I have very rarely read posts where people have said "stop whinging at us and sort it out woman". Only in the most extreme circumstances, where someone has posted consistently for a couple of years about domestic violence and people's patience has snapped. But normally, I don't think Mumsnet is a very judgemental place about relationships. On the contrary, I think people bend over backwards to take into account boht sides. (But they also take into account that someone wants a bitch with her mates, and enter into the spirit of it accordingly!)

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:14

absolutley agree caligula. and the great thing aboutmn is that if you dont want to post about someones probs, its easy to stay off threads. i know i have been known to stay off my own threads when i have been in a good mood and just dont want to think about my problems, despite having lots of people offering support iyswim.

i probly shouldnt have started this thread. was just concerned about mtp. does anyone know if she is ok?

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lafemmequipensequelleestunchap · 26/03/2006 23:16

erm the name thing evolved. After my Christmas name i wanted to be hat - but apparently it's taken (ain;t never seen her post) so Harpsichordcarrier suggested the man who mistook his wife for a hat, which seemed the wrong way round. So I turned it into thewoman...etc. And for the moment it's in French. (I think thta's cod's fault). The upside of all this hat-related mucking about is that people tend to call me hat! or hatwoman or similar. I reckon I have claimed the hat moniker even if some sly non-poster has it officially

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:27

lol, im so uncultured i didnt even figure out it was in french!
there is a hattie05 i think. but i think if someone else has even used it once as a name change thing, youcant use it again.

OP posts:

Chandra · 26/03/2006 23:33

Stitch, I really don't understand why some posters need to be so rude (talking about the other thread). I remember being bored ad nauseum by some of them about topics I really don't care much about (and which I'm convinced they won't be able to change the situation either, and I have not snapped yet even when they have been on that for more than a couple of years. So vent off with confidence, many of us are listening :)

Now.. I just posted a thread because I need some advice about a very old relationship topic maybe is thanks to that thread that nobody has bother to ask so far? .

Original poster

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:40

no no chandra, let me post on it. which thread is it?

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Chandra · 27/03/2006 00:19

Thanks :)

maturer · 27/03/2006 10:04

stitch,life is not black and white especially when you are the one living it- it is however your life and your choices, so whatever you decide you deserve support for those decisions as a mum just trying to do her best in the situation she is in.
It is easy as an outsider to say leave, how could you let him treat you like this etc etc but the people who are saying that are not living the situation- in fairness however some people come on here to hear that to validate their own thoughts and give them the courage to walk away BUT if you chose to stay then we are here to listen and try and help you live the life you are in.
I found MN just over 2 years ago in my life trauma (dh affair)yes as an outsider I too would have said leave hin, he doesn't deserve you etc etc and the way he carried on for a few months was outrageous but I chose to stay and try and work it out and the support I found from most on here was great and gave me the strength to make my own choices. There were a few who said "if my dh ever did that to me he'd be out like a shot" - easy to say when you are not living it with all the implications on you and your children that go with that move.
People are entitled to their opinions and it's right that if you come on this sort of site you will not always find agreement but we must remember the poster is living it we are just getting a glimpsm and forming opinions on that.
Stitch please continue to post I know from experience you will get support for whatever you decide- I did and I am so glad I made the decision I made at the time- we are still together and have come through stronger. relationships need to be worked at sometimes it's not black and white! Good luck honey.
PS hello granarybeck- great to hear from you.

maltesers · 28/03/2006 11:51

well said stitch. I am stuck in a crap relationship. have divorced once already in 1994 wi two older kids. I now have a 5 yr old wi present partner and he has mental health probs like disassociation disorder. so getting close to him is very hard. There is little going for us except our 5 yr old son. Cannot bear to see him go through what my older two kids went through being brought up my mum on own.

Mallarkey · 28/03/2006 12:10

I think all of us go through difficult patches in relationships! The key is having your attention drawn to a specific options that you may not have thought of, plus not feeling lonely and isolated. Surely we all need to offload and get some sort of support- whatever that may be. If you choose not to take advice then that's good too!! I'd say whinge away!!

GRAVITY · 05/04/2006 03:58

stitch -i hear you, its easy to find that initital strength to pack up and want to go - but even easier to have the wind knocked out of you and stay. the thought of doing it all alone financially, emotionally etc is still so scarey. it gets to the point its too embarrassing to keep coming back even to MN to offload - when it is the only place left to come

& then........ for me personally....

was tempted to come back on under a different name - but thought f* it, some of my dramas (1% of what sometimes feels like a million dramas) were due to an ex business partner and his pyscho wife. looks like his pyscho wifey must read these and saw my photo in profiles (stupid me thought oz was a safe enuf plac to send from) been geeting phone calls sledging and abusing and taunting me for my dh's activities that i confessed online.

so becareful how much of yourself you let on -

suzywong · 05/04/2006 06:24

gravity!

you owe me an email btw

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