Good morning,
I posted this thread in August. Reading it back it's incredible how desperate I was and how totally miserable. I hadn't told anyone how I was feeling and I posted here out of pure loneliness, fully expecting to be ignored. I wasn't and that in itself made a huge difference to me. I stoped feeling like a freak and that took the shame away from actually trying to do something about it.
I took scarlet's advice and booked to see a psychosexual counsellor, and Jenner and mumsy's advice too, by arranging to see a gynaecologist who equipped me with some dilators and gave me some excercises to do.
The counsellor helped me enormously and I cannot reccomend seeing one enough if you're having any kind of similar problems. I told her about the birth, which was horrendous, which I couldn't get out of my head. We talked and talked until it was normal and it wasn't the only thing I could see whenever I thought about anything intimate. The dilators showed me that the problem was psychological, and not physical as I'd feared.
Anyhoo I'm banging on. The point is that in the past fortnight DH and I have had sex - twice!!!!!! This isn't something I ever thought I'd be saying again! I can do it, and it's great. There's still some pain, but fuck me there would be after all that. But I can do it, and I want to do it, and it's just amazing that I'm at this stage so soon after posting that desperate message.
People on MN make a huge difference to people like me. I'm a regular, here most days under a different name, pissing about on various threads and watching bunfights. It can look to outsiders like a bunch of silly, funny women being arses online. And a lot of the time it is. But when you really need someone, when you really need people to listen, and offer support, and help you, it's an incredible place to be.
So thank you so much. I know my problem was small-fry in comparison with much of what is posted on this board but for me, it was taking over every aspect of my life. I'm sending flowers to my surgeon etc. I can't do that for all of you, so I just wanted to tell you what a difference you've made.
Thanks 