DH loves me but I don't love him and want to separate. Anyone been through this?

[Iconfess]

Will try to summarise. I loved my first husband who died when I was 32 - we had not been able to have children. i already knew man from work who eventually asked me out 18 months after I was widowed. I enjoyed having someone to be with but didn't feel we had a future - then I got pregnant. In a nutshell I decided to make a go of things. Had the baby, fell pregnant again 2 years later, married current DH then had third DC.

Always said to DH that I felt unable to love him but he said he had enough love for us both. TBH I just thought I would get on with it - I had my kids that I had longed for, a secure home and a dependable DH - just no spark for me.

But all the time there was so much missing for me. We hit some low times and communication went downhill (DH never good at this anyway). I made efforts to address problems but DH found it easier to sweep them under the carpet. In the end I stopped trying and the brick walk of unresolved issues got higher and higher between us.

So nearly 12 years later I have been attracted to someone else. We recognised our strong mutual attraction but put it aside as we knew we should address what problems we had in our existing relationships rather than start an affair. It sounds like the best thing to do, but it hasn't worked out that way.

My DH knows I have been attracted to someone else and we have talked in full about all our issues as well as seeing a counsellor together. Trouble is, DH is desperate to stay together but I can't see a future for us. For three months we have gone round in circles and DH is under such stress as I hold all the cards. He tries all sorts to make things better but for me it's all too late. I know that if I'm going to be in a relationship I want to be in love. I don't want this one sided relationship anymore.

How do I sort this out? There's so much more to this story but don't want to go on even more. Has anyone been through anything similar?

I related to your post strongly despite very different circumstances, and didn't want to read and run. I settled down very young and at age 34 have come to the conclusion that years of doubts need to be acknowledged and I am now separating from my husband, who loves me. My kids are young, and I do not doubt that this is not ideal for them, however I feel strongly that we only live once and none of us deserve to be in a family where both parents do not want to be in the marriage. I think that can only breed resentment, disappointment and contempt, which will ultimately make for a far more negative environment for the children. When I married my DH I believed it was for life, I believed we could make each other happy, and did not suspect that one day I would desperately crave freedom, independence and to live without him. But I have felt this way a lot, and have openly discussed it with him, and we are separating - probably looking at one of us moving out after xmas (kids will be with me and we will live as close as possible to each other).

To those who suggested that any of us chose to marry to milk what we could out of our DH and then fuck off for a bit of fun and fresh - you're entitled to your opinion, however noone knows what goes on in a relationship other than the people in it, and I'd hope that anyone who is married would be able to separate as lovingly and respectfully as possible for the sake of all involved.

Sorry for the long self indulgent reply Iconfess, but ultimately you deserve to make a go of your life and do whatever it is you need to do, keeping the needs and security of your children at the forefront. Good luck.

You're right, no one knows what goes on inside a relationship. But this

"I think that can only breed resentment, disappointment and contempt, which will ultimately make for a far more negative environment for the children."

I think is disingenuous. You know what you want or what you plan is not good for your children and you are trying to find a way that makes it seem as though what's good for you, is good for them.

You don't let it breed resentment, disappointment and contempt, would be my answer.

Wow Brycie, I 'm surprised at your 'stay together for the kids attitude'. I separated from my husband almost 2 years ago and am getting divorced from him. I can tell you that yes , there have been difficult times, but my children are happy and we actually have a better relationship now than when I was still with their dad.

You say that we shouldnt let resentment, disappointment and contempt breed? I think when one partner is in love with the other,but the other feels no sexual attraction , and feels that she has to sleep with him just to stop him nagging will almost certainly lead to those feelings! I don't know about you, but I thought we'd moved on from the 1950's? So I made the right decision for myself, and I think until youve been in this position its very easy to cast judgement , but how can you know how it feels until you have experienced it yourself?

Thanks Brycie.

Any suggestions how I should achieve "your answer"?

None of us are making flippant, selfish choices here - we're trying to gain happiness and honesty for everyone involved. And we're not perfect and we might be wrong - but that's because we have never done this before and we are simply doing our very best. I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you, but I have spent too many years trying to create happiness by pleasing others without the depth of feeling that should be there, and now I have decided that a little respect i.e. honesty is a better option.

Spongebob that is truly heartening to read - my DH and I are determined to come through this as the very good friends that we are, and I am so glad that this has been possible and successful for you and your ex.

I'm not being flippant either and I'm sorry if I came over that way. I think it's very disingenuous and self-serving to find a way to say "what's best for me is what's best for the children. In the end." It might not be; it often isn't.

However I'm sure you know this and you were right to say I don't know what goes on inside any relationship but my own. But then if people post things here then what up? You're going to get people saying what they think about it.

Spongebob: the 1950s? not really. That's another way of saying - trying to make something work for a long time, not just temporarily, is actually very anti-feminist therefore (what a surprise) I'm right to do what I wanted to do in the first place.

I'm glad though that things are working out for you.

Of course, I would say all this to a man as well as a woman. A husband who came here saying he wanted to leave for the same reasons - I would have the same opinions and say the same thing to him. Of course.

I think for me, having grown up in a house where my parents clearly detested each other (finally split when I was 17 after years of fighting etc etc; still don't speak/won't be in the same building), in all honesty I'm terrified of recreating that situation for my own children.

I'm not saying this way will be better, but at least it gives us all a shot at happiness.

Iconfess - you need to weigh up your options and make a choice. You stay and you make it work or you go, there is nothing inbetween in my opinion. You may end up dating your DH and discovering that you do love him, you might end up happy with someone new, you might end up alone. If that is a risk worth taking then surely there's nothing else to it? Your kids will be affected of course, but I can't see that it's better for them to stay in a house where Mum is not true to herself or DH, and I can't see how you could avoid feeling increasing resentment to your DH, and he feel increasing disappointment and frustration towards you, alongside feeling completely emasculated. Brycie - correct me if I'm wrong!

sorry I don't know - it depends on each person's internal resources, positive outlook, selfishness, self-discipline, neediness, love for the family, fear of failure, hope for the future.... How can one gauge?

As I said above, my relationship with my children has improved since I separated from their dad. They see him every other day & speak to him on the phone every day.

The atmosphere in our house was terrible before we separated, so no, I don't think doing what I did was entirely selfish