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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

im in so much pain- ended it with dp and hate myself

24 replies

karelomen · 14/10/2012 20:17

I have been writing threads on here for over a year about dps money attitude, leaving me alone to smoke weed and not wanting to buy food with me...

I finally ended it though I am now feeling really really really sad... he is such an amazing man really kind, loving, gentle, supportive and strong.

I have convinced myself that I needed more excitement and to have this I couldn't be with him.

A week before i ended it i was chatting online to a guy who really gets my humour who is part of my friendship circle and its struck me that I am not free to go out with people who 'get' me i was in conflict for a week then I ended it with dp because the chapters closed.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I would have ended it anyway even without interest from someone else because i was beginning to feel i was lying to dp.

No Im a single woman, dp avoids me all the time, weve been emailing to sort out the splitting of the house stuff- it breaks me that ive just calved a big hole in my life and i regret it. Why did I do that? He is amazing I will never find anyone who loves me that much again

I have already started seeing this guy (secretly) wont be telling anyone for a while as dont want dp to find out and thinks its why i ended it.

Oh this hurts so bad... I cant even enjoy falling in love with the new guy because everytime I go home its just a painfully sad house of shattered dreams.

sorry if you got through that its just a stream of conciousness

OP posts:

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 20:19

You cant be that upset if you are falling in love with someone else.

Feckbox · 14/10/2012 20:19

You did the right thing but it is normal fro to to feel sad.. Very sad.
Smoking weed would be reason enough for me to end it.
You will start to feel better soon

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 20:20

I am upset on the one hand I'm grieving a loss and on the other im being true to who I feel is truly me. I am in pain

OP posts:

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 20:22

Maybe you need to grieve for your failed relationship- give yourself time before moving onto someone else. You cant engage properly in another relationship if you feel so sad.

myroomisatip · 14/10/2012 20:28

ahhh you sound so mixed up! I cant advise you... From what you have said, I think you have done the right thing in ending your relationship.

But please spend some time on your own before getting involved in a relationship with someone on line!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 20:31

There's a psychological phase that happens after you make a big purchase decision and the sales people call it 'buyer's remorse'. The bigger and more expensive the item, the more intense the feeling of 'OMG... what have I done?' after someone signs on the dotted line. A good sales team knows this and will contact people to reassure them that they really are making the right choice.

You're not buying anything but you are making a massive decision. Your 'OMG.. what have I done?' score for buyer's remorse is really high. What you need to do now is talk to people IRL who knew the situation and work through the rationale again why you've done the right thing. Of course there were good times in the past, you're bound to feel a pang of remorse but you have to keep reminding yourself why it didn't work out and why you're going to be better off.

Good luck

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 20:42

Thanks foryour considered post cogito, everyone in RL is being lovely but its almost easier when youre the dumpee because people are really kind, I think because it was my decision people are expecting me to be just fine and Im not- I wont be for a good while, I became part of his amazing family, I loved him so much.

But we weren't having sex, Im 28 and he's 46 he never expressed an interest in having children, he smoked weed on nearly every day off- he ignored me by being on his laptop most of the time, he wouldnt buy food he didnt pay bills untill I reminded him and I had to do the leg work ie arranging all the payments etc we didnt have the same brains even, I love art, books, photography, comedy whereas he liked going to morrisons to eat cooked chicken and drink coffee, we didnt go on holiday because he would leave it to the last minute then wouldnt be able to afford it.

We couldnt communicate about domestic chores or money without arguing and I just felt taht if we added children (which i dearly want) into the mix it would be a recipe for a broken home anyway.

As things were we could have ticked along happily for years but I knew that if I met someone who made me feel like a woman I would do something terrible, which he doesnt deserve

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 20:48

Print that post out in big letters and pin it somewhere you can see it on a regular basis. The truth is that, if you're a loving person, you can love almost anything if you're around it long enough. People spend thousands putting scraggy dogs they meet on holiday through quarantine... QED. What you're describing is a rather lazy, boring, antisocial, grumpy old man of a flat-mate, not a life-partner.

Take some time out to reboot your life then find someone that not only makes you feel like a woman but also wants the same thing you do. Good luck

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 20:52

Is this the guy who was obsessed with eggs? I remember you! So glad you have found the strength to end it, you deserve so much more. Well done!

I also think that you may need time to grieve before getting involved again.

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 20:57

Yes it is the guy who ate a lot of eggs thanks cogito for saying to print that out in big letters and thanks robots for seeing that it took sternght im whipping myself at the moment for hurting him but its kinder in the long run i suppose

new man: Yeah its tricky, the good thing about this new guy is that he and I have very opposite schedules so we're going to have to be individuals and take it slow for a variety of reasons so I hope it will be okay

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 21:03

Do you not fancy just ditching men completely for a while, going travelling, letting your hair down or similar?

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 21:08

I don't really, I have felt single for a long time really so to have a real rapport with someone and attention from someone is a welcome treat its just lovely when I'm with him but I have so much to deal with when I'm not that it feels heavy and complicated

OP posts:

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:09

You are hurting him by ending it but he has been hurting you for a loooong time!

I hated seeing my STBXH get upset when I was ending it with him (felt like I was torturing a puppy) but I kept reminding myself that his tears would only ever amount to a fraction of those that I had shed over him during years and years of misery. He will never know this because I taught myself the art of silent crying and cried myself to sleep next to him in bed hundreds of times, while he was blissfully unaware.

You were getting nothing out of the relationship. He was dragging you down.

You did everything you could and if you are like me, this is where the sadness comes from, the broken hopes and dreams, the fact that I put sooooo much effort into something that ultimately turned to dust.

You are a good person, you gave and gave until you had nothing left to give, no other options left.

It is sad, it is an ending, it maybe feels like a failure of some sort but the relationship had run it's course. You could do no more.

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:13

I detached emotionally from my STBXH years before he finally moved out. I saw the end coming from way off even though I clung to the wreckage for ages.
Because of this I also moved on quickly to another relationship, I kind of felt like I deserved some happiness and found someone who I really connected with. I hope it works out for you. If not, you may find it hard to end things when you need to. I had a quick fling soon after my STBXH moved out and found ending it quite traumatic because it triggered the trauma of ending my marriage, although ultimately it has made me stronger.

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 21:14

Thanks so much robots I really appreciate that, it's just so hard to overcome the sad feelings and get on with the life I've been craving for so long i really identify with what you said about everything that youve worked for turning into dust its just inherently sad

OP posts:

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:15

Telling my STBXH that it was over was literally one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt soooo shit. It will get better

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:17

It is sad. Inherently sad sums it up well. You have done the right thing. It will get easier x

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 21:25

Oh thank God you have finally dumped the egg-loving boring cocklodger!

JennaLemon · 14/10/2012 21:31

cogito, that is so accurate. I felt about two weeks ago, right I'm going to end it with man I'm seeing. He is lovely but the depth of feeling just isn't there after quite a while now, and it's not convenient either which is a factor tbh. I was feeling quite stressed and suddenly almost repulsed by him, then as soon as I made the decision in my head, right, I WILL end it, I started to feel comfortable in his company again. I haven't done it yet, but I know I will.

I think OP is juggling a lot of emotions! I wouldn't be able for a new man so soon.

nkf · 14/10/2012 21:33

Is this Egg Man? Thank God you've got out. Do you have to throw yourself into something else immediately? How about having some single girl fun?

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 21:38

yeah maybe, I just really like this new guy he is special horrible feeling that the bad timing will destroy it thouggh
I really understand that thing of the little fling ending hurting more because then youre left alone to deal with your feelings and they would all come flooding back

OP posts:

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:42

Only you can decide what is right for you now. Some people make a go of things jumping from one relationship to another, it is generally regarded as not being ideal but you already know that.

Original poster

karelomen · 14/10/2012 21:45

Thank you Im just hoping that if we take it slow that we'll be alright I dont know I just out and out sad tonight think Im gonna go to sleep thank you all

OP posts:

MooncupGoddess · 14/10/2012 21:47

Great that you have dumped egg man, but it sounds like you have pretty low expectations of a partner... you talk about how amazing egg man is but actually he sounds awful, and your relationship with him didn't sound like a proper relationship at all.

Do you have self-esteem issues? Maybe worth thinking about what you really want and deserve in a relationship before jumping into a new one...?

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