As he won't go can I and leave the children?

[Justgoplease]

That's it in a nutshell.
H moved out in July straight into arms of OW. Now he's back much against my will. They were the happiest few weeks of my life for years :(

But he says he's not going anywhere: 'It's his house too. WE can't afford for him to get his own place' yada yada.

Friends have offered me a room for a while, can I really leave 3 DCs - 18, 16, 11 - when it's likely because of the distances involved, work etc I wouldn't be able to see them more than once a week?

Just to be fair I did have a role to play in him leaving: had an EA, and yes i should have left before i stepped into that swamp, and no it's not an excuse, but see comment above about how unhappy my marriage has been for years

Go ad get legal advice. Not really sure why he is back there after he left.
This is a terrible arrangement for the children to be living in, and they will feel the effects of it.
Stop doing anything for him. So what if he has to look after himself, if you moved out he would have to take responsibility for everything. Maybe by looking after himself it would give him an indication of what it would be like with him and the dc's.
It might mean selling the house, but so what? If you left, you would be paying for a house you are not living in, unless you signed everything over to him and be left with nothing.

I don't expect the same lifestyle, just don't see why the four of us should struggle as much as we might have to, so he is better of than he might be if he left for a bed sit now iyswim

Also don't want to move kids if poss, Dd2 has not had a great time of it recently, which has led to self-harming, and forcing her out of her bedroom, which seems more than a usual teen sanctuary feels almost cruel

Get legal advice, from someone qualified.
Talk to your kids, and listen. DD2 might feel a lot better without him around.

He won't leave while you make his life so comfortable. You need to stop cooking for him. Treat him like a lodger until this is resolved. I wouldn't leave my DC though, particularly not one that has a history of self harming. :(

What time does he get in from work? Can you not organise dinner for half an hour before he arrives?
There is no way I'd be cooking for him. No WAY. And it's not as if the kids don't already know there's a problem.

He gets home less than half an hour after I do, so no time to cook to avoid him. Often kids have after school stuff as well so we don't eat til around 7 anyway.

You know, I've just realised I've spent 20 years making a family, despite him, and I'm still doing it now, aren't I? Appeasing and enabling him to do pretty much he wanted, and the having huge rows when it all got too much;(

this is a very sad situation for all concerned but someone has to make a stand, as you have an 11 year old it is more likely that you would be able to say in the home until she's 18, for goodness sake speak to a solicitor and get advice, at the moment you have mug written on your forehead, and he knows it hence his attitude towards you, if this marriage is really over start divorce proceedings then you can ask for his side to pay towards your costs as Nike says 'JUST DO IT' don't move out you'll lose you crediblity and lessen your rights with the divorce.

AIBU to think that a marriage breakdown is a sad but often two sided thing (in fairness, the OP seems to have admitted this) - but why should her husband have to live in a bedsit or shared flat? The fairest thing to do sadly, is to sell the house and get two smaller/less desirable ones. I am the main breadwinner in my relationship and should it breakdown I would most certaintly not be happy to leave my DP in our lovely house, wih out children, while I lived like a student..

*with our children

the husband moved out slvc to be with someone else and then when that didn't work out came back with his tail between his legs, so i dont think he has garnered any rights there really. I don't know how it happened op but he would not have got his foot in the door had it had been me, and no I would not be doing his cleaning and cooking. cook your food for the kids and yourself, it might seem petty but it is about redefining boundaries. he is a grown man and can sort out his own food and clothes etc please stop being his door mat, I would not suggest you leave the marital home though. get the divorce up and running so you can get him out of your life.

SLVC it may seem unfair but it is a sensible solution. What is the sense in the mother leaving the home when it is big enough to house her and the children for whom she is the main carer? If the father takes a smaller role with the children and the domestics, then it is only sensible that he should leave. Of course it is not nice or fair or desirable, but it is the reality of separation. However when the husband's behaviour descends to the point of unbearability then yes the mother may need to leave to survive.

Thanks to you all. I think I have decided to stay put, for now. Although waking this morning to a pig sty and the faint smell of damp, nearly changed my mind!

What seems unfair to me SLVC is that if he forces the house sale we all will have a steep drop in lifestyle. There is no way the equity will be enough, split 50/50, to support two households.

Assuming the kids stay with me, he'd be able to rent in a shared house or bedsit, meaning no overnighters, or 50/50 share child are for 11yo. So yet again I'm left to pick up the slack, in a rented house, with two teenage girls, who have very different standards of bedroom hygiene forced into the same room. 4 bed houses cost more in rent a month than our current mortgage :(

Oh, and will stop cooking, you've convinced it's not petty and bloody minded. And as I have a couple of days off this week will try to find a family solicitor

good luck with your new adventures, it'll be hard at times but stay strong for your kids and yourself and you'll get through it, good luck.

Ah, just found your post. Yes, we are in very similair positions. Have you stopped cooking for him yet? I'm much the same, we have always eaten together and my little ones get upset if we have eaten without daddy so I am continuing to feed him which is seriously grating on me!

twimpo, don't put up with it, try a make another dinner routine for your kids and make it a fun time for them. you will only become more resentful and thats no good for the kids as they will pick up on it.