Hurtful comment, how to deal with it?

[robotsatemywashing]

Regular poster. NCd.

My DP was staying here this weekend (Friday to Sunday). Been together 6 months. I am a few stone overweight, he is skinny.

On Friday he noticed an old weight loss certificate on my fridge and we had a chat about it and I said that it was old and that I'd fallen off the wagon and was planning on going back to the class when I got more time in a couple of weeks. Last night, after my DCs were in bed, we were having a conversation about running/jogging as both of us have lapsed and want to re-motivate ourselves. He asked me if my medication (ADs for previous anxiety and asthma meds) had made me put weight on, I said I wasn't sure. Then he said "What happened? Did you have one cream cake too many one day and just keep going?"

Ouch.

He hit a raw nerve. I got upset. I told him that I thought it was a really shitty thing to say to anyone, never mind someone you're in a relationship with and that I was very hurt. He said he was very sorry, acknowledged that he couldn't take it back and said that he was going to pack his stuff and go home.

Before he left, I asked him what he was thinking/feeling and he said "bad".

Last night I was so upset I felt like this was the end of us. His comment suggested that I am not perfect for him the way I am now and that's not good enough. However he has never said anything to suggest this before, never mentioned my weight before etc.

My STBXH has ASD and often said hurtful comments so I am finding it hard to see this situation objectively. How bad was his comment?

I think you may have overreacted because he is, as you say, a natural skinny Minnie.

Dp and I rib each other all the time over plumpness. We both tend towards it. I would never have accepted such ribbing from my ex, who was v thin naturally, but I certainly can bear i, and enjoy it actually, from someone who cannot leave a cake alone if its in the house.

No, you didn't kick him out. That's why he should have stayed. He chickened out, and that is the thing I'd be most annoyed about.

True Toby I didn't really want him to leave last night

I think a lot of people who don't really have any experience of eating issues think 'fat person = too many cakes'.

Of course it doesn't work like that at all. I remember a college friend laughing heartily at a joke about anorexic people, to do with eating cake and I just thought 'yuck' - this was pre- my own brush with death through failure to eat for several years. But still, I thought, how ignorant.

But we all do and say stupid things from time to time and the important thing is how you handle it - and if he is open to education about it, that's a really positive sign.

I'd probably give him another chance if he is usually lovely.

Thanks Severed I think it's deplorable for anyone to make negative comments about anyone based on their physical appearance whether it's about being over or underweight or anything else.

Glad you are on the mend.

My DP wasn't actually being negative. Just a bit insensitive. I think I might text him in a bit but not sure what to say

Well, you could say you needed the space last night and hope that it doesn't mean you have fallen out.

Or you know he didn't mean any harm by it.

Something like that.

Protect yourself - your feelings are important, you are naturally going to be watchful after the person who was unkind to you before. That's a good thing.

See how it goes and how he behaves now - an honest discussion might resolve it all very quickly.

The insensitive comment is one thing and perhaps it is just that - insensitive. I think the serious aspect of this incident is the fact that he packed up and left - because HE was upset (upset for being called on the comment? Upset because he hurt OP? Upset because he can't cope with being in the wrong?) to me it reads as if he's made it all about him and his feelings, instead of apologising and making it up with OP.

To me that's red flag-ish - all couples disagree, fall out, hurt each other occasionally. Is he going to pack up and leave every time that happens?

Hmm...Hell I know what you mean, but he did apologise and accept that he was in the wrong. And I wasn't showing any signs of calming down either

I don't think you were over-reacting. I think it was a shitty 13-year-old-school-bully sort of thing to say.

I am "skinny" and don't care if people call me skinny and I would never make a comment like that to anyone in a million years. If I did I would be an utter utter bitch.

Well, I text him 3 hrs ago along the lines of I'm feeling less sensitive today, that I have been affected by my ex in terms of certain issues and that I know he didn't mean to upset me.

He's not a big texter and probably is waiting to talk it over when he rings me later but nothing.....no response at all..........

Too much info by text, robots. How is he supposed to respond to all of that? Texts are the scourge of modern communication... they're for "See you at 3" or "meet you by Boots" or just "Sorry! Let's talk later". More than that is not a good thing - and now you're waiting on tenterhooks.

It's done, you've made the first move and now it's down to him. Put your phone away out of sight and get on with something else. If he's a nice guy, he'll ring you later/arrange to see you. If not, better you found out now. Six months is either long enough - or it isn't - either way, it's not a massive time investment.

He just rang. Left his phone in the car, just got my text. He was very embarassed/apologectic

I do love a happy ending...

Slim people are actually human, you know. "They don't get as hungry, dont get cravings" is nonsense and shows just as much of a lack of understanding as the other way round.

Having been on both sides of the fence, actually it was a lot easier to control my weight when I was skinny, if I put on a few pounds, I'd stop eating bread and pasta for a month or so and away they would go.
Now that I am larger post children, it takes a LOT of effort, concentration and energy to even shift a few pounds. I cycle and walk a lot but without also planning every meal, not even having the occasional chocolate bar, which would not have been a problem pre-weight gain days. I don't even drink any more, it makes bog all difference.

I'm sorry to sabotage the thread but I must comment to the person that half quoted me:

" Slim people are actually human, you know. "They don't get as hungry, dont get cravings" is nonsense and shows just as much of a lack of understanding as the other way round."

Brian Butterfield - I was paraphrasing scientific research conclusions where they scanned peoples brains and conducted blood tests to monitor hormone responses. I'm afraid the research did show a difference in brain activity and hormonal response around food and eating. People with weight difficulties had more thoughts of food, a higher brain activity response to food and greater hormone peaks and troughs before and after eating.

You are right though that a lack of understanding is the problem.

Call him! Apologise. Explain that you overreacted, but also tell him why (all those years of being undermined so badly).

I can empathize completely with you I, too, am touchy about my weight. I recently went to the surgery and the nurse kept saying 'Us fat girls'. I'm 140lbs and 5 foot 4 - it made me feel terrible and I actually changed practice as a result. So you're not the only one who has overreacted in a fit of pique at this type of thing!! :)

I think he was probably just trying to help in a guy-ish kind of way, and it all came out wrong!!

Sounds like something my DH would say.

He asked me if I had podgkins disease .

Love your name Beryl and had a little titter at podgkins disease :) How's it going OP?

All good ta kitty, we are back on track.

He is very lovely, has apologised a lot and I have used the situation as a catalyst to get back on track weightloss wise, instead of postponing it indefinitely.

I know I over-think things and that's why MN is so fab for getting things into perspective.

Thanks everyone