husband having affair - no definite proof

[looneytunes17]

Hi - not sure this forum is for me as my dc now at uni or working but still living at home. I know my husband is having an affair - through digging I've found a name/address and the lack of sex for over a year/constant absence/not coming on holiday/permanently locked phone all point to an affair imho. I'm going to get advice before confronting - is there anyone on here who's been in or is in my sitution now? we've been married for 23 years and have 3 kids - I am devastated.

Didn't want to read and not post but know that lots of people on here have sadly had to deal with this. Hope someone with good advice comes along in a minute.

Hi I've not been there either but I wanted to reassure that this forum is definitely for you, we have all types - with kids, no kids yet, grown up kids, grand kids - and one and all welcome.

Someone will be along soon with advice about your situation.

I'm quite simplistic in my approach. Ask him.

But evaluate your relationship beforehand. Do you want to keep him at all costs? is it irretrievable if he is? Because you need to know in your mind what you will do if the worst is a reality.

The ask him approach may just result in him lying to you. Mine did even though I had seen the proof with my own eyes (although he didn't know that). It's up to you. He will, in time, make a mistake, and now you are aware you will be ready. As robyn says though, you probably need to evaluate what you want first of all, although to be honest, you won't know for sure until it does all come out in the open.

You will get lots of advice on here though. x

Do you want to stay with him?
If not, tell him you want to separate and start the process.
If you think there is a possibility of rescuing the marriage , you need to start taking to him.

Thanks for your support - yes I have tried to ask him but he goes completely silent and I end up talking to fill the gap. About staying with him - it sounds so easy to make this decision (lying bastard, cheating etc etc) but it won't be long before ALL my kids have disappeared (obv not forever) and tbh I'm quite scared of being on my own. Plus (and I know this sounds mercenary) we have a lovely house, second home etc and I'll lose all that (they're both in joint names) It isn't really about the money tho - apart from anything ( and the worst bit) my kids will be devastated - I think they already suspect but they prefer not to know. and although they think they're grown up.....

Why would you lose all that? Worst-case scenario is that you might sell both and, with half the proceeds, buy something lovely (albeit smaller) for yourself. If you've created a lovely home now, you'll be able to do so again.

And 2 lovely homes notwithstanding, will you ever be truly happy in either, knowing your husband is straying?

I'm never one for 'leave the bastard' if it is repairable. If it isn't, you have the positive aspect of being reaonsably affluent. Two houses, you must have a fair bit of equity. 50/50 and you can buy a smaller place and be your own person again. That must be preferable to existing in a relationship that neither of you want to be in.

The kids will get over it. It is preferable that they see their parents happy apart rather morose together. They aren't children any more. They are adults. One cautionary tale though, do not (either of you) dump your emotional shit on your children. I've seen that happen a few times with friends when their parents split up. It's very divisive, and no child should know the ins and outs of their parents relationship/breakdown.

Yes, I was in your position for 5 years, without being sure. Sometimes in the early years I allowed him to make be believe I was mistaken. Finally the last bit of evidence I found came at a time when I was very upset with him over a number of issues, including our lack of sex over at leat 18 months previously.

That time, I did not fill the silences. He knows you will fill them, and the strategy works for him, doesnt it?

By the way, one of my uni aged kids suspected more than I did.

Ithink if you want him to tell you , then you have to be determined to know. I proved my determination by not letting go of the argument for six weeks and moving into the spare bedroom, but I think most men would crack before my very stubborn h did.

The key thing is, the marriage will get worse without the honesty, and, if you wish to save it, it will get better because of it. Obviously that depends on whether he wants to save it as well, but you would be surprised how many do when it comes to it. That is probably why he is there now, although he will have spun her some guff about waiting till the kids grow up.

Older men very very rarely leave their wives, imho. In fact, I think I read it in Glass or Pittman, somewhere.

Do you want to know? He will lie. You can snoop further if you want. There will always be evidence somewhere.

Do you want to stay with him no matter what? Plenty of women do that. Plenty of women stay for lovely homes and a good standard of living.

I think you aren't sure of your own wishes and so you are waiting on discovery to guide you.

If you are unhappy, suspicious, unsettled and worried about your sex life, you have plenty to talk about. And he should be prepared to talk.

Can you carry on living as you are? It sounds as though your husband is only there in body. Have you always lived reasonably independent lives or is this a big change in your marriage? Some people are able to carry on in the knowledge that there's a third party involved, I presume for many of the practical reasons you mention including the children.

Having been in a similar position to you, I can tell you that I never felt the same about my husband again once I knew about his affair. I still loved him and I didn't want the marriage to end, but things were irrevocably changed. He eventually went on to meet someone else and the marriage ended anyway. Looking back I regret the five or so years I spent trying to get over the initial affair and get things back on track - it didn't work and I would have saved myself a lot of pain.

I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds as though your husband has already 'checked out' of your marriage. Only you know whether you can continue under the new circumstances. It's a horrible, horrible situation and I wish you all the best.

Last year my partner denied everything.

This year little pieces began to come together and the guilt finally caught up with him. I was drip fed info over three weeks but he then confessed to everything, even things I probably would never have known. We are still together.

You say you have a name and address, does your dh know this? Is the ow someone known to you? Furthermore have you any close family/friends you can confide in?

Sorry you're going through this. It's awful not knowing the truth.

what do you want to happen?
if he confessed about the affair, then what? Are you hoping he will feel ashamed, end it, and try to rebuild your marriage? Or are you willing to turn a blind eye for the sake of lifestyle and kids ( I would never be critical of anyone who made that decision)
I completely understand about not wanting to dissolve a life.

I am just not sure what you are asking advice for exactly. Huge sympathies from me though

i dont see what the advice is - obv you need to ask him

Be prepared for the fact that like most cheaters, he will probably never admit the truth and cover his tracks.

I would do some snooping now - check mobile, laptop, deleted folders, internet history, pockets/wallet etc. You are entitled to do that because you have asked him and you know he is lying to you.

If the relationship itself isn't great - and it probably isn't as he has checked out of his marriage, you are also entitled to tackle these issues and tell him that you will end the marriage if he does not show any signs of wanting to improve.

Been in this situation when my youngest was a 2 month old baby. Found evidence on email. Perhaps I’m lucky because I’m fiercely independent. I was just very angry, felt I could never trust again. Mind you, the affair followed years of emotional abuse/silent treatment. He had a history of same with previous partner (I didn’t know at the time) , & now doing same to subsequent wife. Leopards don’t change their spots I’m afraid. Much happier on my own. In fact, I love being single!!! Have courage, get angry, don’t live your life as a lie..you only live once!

This thread is nearly 10 years old @HibouMilou

Does the zombie warning thing not happen anymore?

10 year old zombie.

@HibouMilou it's a post from 2012. It's probably been resolved one way or another by now. Check dates before posting.

You are so much luckier than some here. You have to potential to be well housed following divorce. Do you really think losing the uncertainty, sadness, sense of betrayal and your children seeing you taken for a mug is worth it?,

I wonder how it worked out? Even for a zombie it's a very short thread.