infatuation

[yurizhiv]

I have been preparing myself for you all to be a tough crowd so please don't be gentle - but I am frankly desperate for your help - let me explain

I am a 40-something guy, married (>10 years) with 2 dcs (aged 4 and 18 months). I love them all very much. My problem, and I'm afraid it's very unoriginal, is that I have become infatuated with someone who works in my office.

My work is professional (I am in the equivalent of a middle management post) and she is one of the people I supervise. She is 23 and single.

Some things to say right up. I have not and will not let this become in any way an actual relationship. My contact with the girl is more or less confined to work with just a few strictly work related (communal) social activities. The girl in question has not behaved other than in a polite and friendly (but never more than friendly) way toward me and as far as I know, has no idea about my feelings (though no doubt she finds some of my behaviour a bit weird at times - more of that below). I have not told my wife.

Having said that, it is a quite catastrophic infatuation. It began as soon as the girl arrived, over a year ago, and shows no sign of fading, and it is certainly interfering enough with my emotional state to interfere with my work and home life. I have all the symptoms of puppy love - and unrequited love - in a way I literally have not had since I was a teenager. Though I am sexually attracted to her, this is well beyond that - in fact in a funny way physical attraction sometimes seems the least part of it. I am all too well aware how silly it is but I can't seem to get on top of the feeling.

My wife and I have the usual hassles of juggling jobs, home and two small kids. My wife really is my soul mate - the one person in the world I would go to first to talk something over - but I just can't bring myself to have this particular conversation with her. I'm not at all sure how understanding I'd be if the shoe was on the other foot.

My first impulse was to reduce contact with the girl but that is genuinely hard. I more or less have to supervise her - trying to reallocate supervisors in my workplace is a huge hassle and would definitely mean citing reasons - which I am very loath to do, and equally loath to fabricate. For a month or so a little while ago I more or less avoided her completely but apart from inviting suspicion from others that also meant her work suffered because she was not properly advised - which I felt awful about.

So at the moment, we are in fairly regular contact and each meeting for me is like pain. I feel completely wretched, and split. In case you are wondering the girl in question is, as far as I can objectively say, a completely ordinary 23 year old. EVEN IF I was single, I doubt I would try to pursue her - I truly believe that 23 year olds need other 23 year olds, and big age differences are just a recipe for heartache eventually (that's another blog perhaps). And I'm no Johnny Depp, in case you were wondering.

I guess I need therapy or something but I honestly feel that if I didn't have to have the contact with her, I'd recover and be fine.

What I am hoping for is the benefit of any similar experiences you may have had. But what I desperately really want is a cure - some basic things I can do to rein in these feelings, and give them a meaning I can live with.

Please help if you can.

Christ almighty

You are one self-pitying, romantic pillock, aren't you

I feel really embarrassed for you

For God's sake, there's really no need to be so horrible to this guy.

He sounds like a nice person, and he sounds genuinely upset by his feelings.

OP - the truth is out there. And the truth is, no-ones really interested...

The man is coming across as a sexist, emotionally-incontinent, self-obsessed fool

If he were my friend in RL, I would tell him this over a pint, because you can bet your last penny he is being ridiculed behind his back

It might also save his marriage if someone pointed out what a cock he is making of himself

His poor wife...

I don't think he sounds nice.

I think he sounds like a married, middle-aged man with a family behaving in an inappropriately obsessive and selfish manner with a younger colleague who he supervises.

Perhaps he will find a few female admirers on MN to soothe his tortured ego soul ?

Mmmn, yes, there might be a few desperate enough to be taken in. He probably only wants attention/a penfriend, and didn't get any takers on POF...

You know OP, and I say this kindly, I think you need to work out who you are. You have dwelt a good deal on who you are not but there is a life to be lived and you need to work on developing it. Crushes happen but beating ourselves up over them is not helpful. What are you good at? What makes your heart sing? What causes you to get out of bed in the morning? I suspect you have lost sight of all of these things and finding them again will make all the difference.

I'm not interested in your angst over this woman. You know you need to distance, and stop dwelling. Focus on the best in your life. Go on, go do it!

I'm 23 please educate me about art and culture and the human heart!!!

Actually I'm 40 but I do remember being 23 and working in an office with a married saddo who made me feel uncomfortable many a time.

What stands out from your post is how much you seem to be revelling in your tortured soul. You have plenty of options - move jobs, try to get shifted into another team, help the woman to get promoted so she isn't in front of you all the time.

What about more quality time with your wife who you profess to love. Two young kids is tough but if you want to be there for the long haul then you need to put a bit of effort in.

I had a boss exactly like you. I was 26. He was 46. He would have written what you have written. You make me feel physically sick. You sound disturbed and narcissistic. You are deluded and all your diarhoea-words and emotions are loaded dangerous and frightening

For me, a man as infatuated and dangerous as you ended in an abortion, a nervous breakdown and the sack.

YOU however, got away with it. Fuck off you.

Leave the girl alone, leave your job, leave your wife too as she deserves better. You sad fucking incontinent sap.

Mind you, I expect your wife is ugly boring and self-obsessed.

IS your wife boring, ugly and a bit over the hill? Bingo wings? Flabby stomach? Doesn't wear nice work clothes anymore?

Are you are the one earning most or all of the family income? Does she bore you in bed? Has she got smelly breath? Is she like an old sock you don't want to put on for warmth anymore? is your marriage like a sad old sack of nothing with only the kids sort of gluing it together - can you see your wife in your kids, which is the only reason you still love her - like you'd love an old cloth teddy?

Only asking.

Yuri, as you have guessed, you would not generally get at good reception on mumsnet.

FWIW, I can understand the place you are in. When I was younger, I would have dismissed you as harshly as the most recent posters. But now that I am your age, I have only the deepest sympathy.

The chances are very likely that this will not end well with your colleague, if you do pursue it. You are wise to sit on your hands.

My first boss was in his forties and I was in my early twenties when I first started working for him. Over time he confided a lot in me (office politics etc) but nothing that would give any hint that our relationship was anything other than purely professional. I was eager to please him. He was in every way my boss who could promote me and in turn I could make lots of money. I was an ambitious young person just out of university and in my first dream job.

8 years later, I messed up at work and went to him sick to my stomach with worry. Our client could stand to lose millions if the mistake got out. My boss went all out to cover up for me. After a few days of intense strategising that went late into the evening, he took me on a drive in his car (first time) and confessed his feelings for me. I did not have a clue! He even offered to pay for any loss out of his own pocket. I asked what about his wife and 3 children? He did not seem too concerned. I was genuinely shocked that this man would throw away everything for me, who did not even feel anything for him. I had a fit young boyfriend who was then my world.

The next day I went into his office and said that it was inappropriate and unfair because he was in a position of power. I was on the brink of the biggest promotion of my career but I could not bear the thought of working with him any more. I avoided him from then on. A few months later, I resigned and left to work in another country.

I don't blame him for my leaving the company - I was thinking about that long before that. But I still cannot understand how he could have kept his feelings under wraps for so long and how I did not notice (I am normally quite sensitive to this) and why he would risk everything.

Reading your post makes me understand a little more, so thank you. I am no longer that person that was indignant in his office the next day. I hardly ever told any one about this (except the worldwide web now), so I did keep his confidence. I could have been gentler.

Poor yuri, you have entered a den of bile haven't you? :(

Bit of a mistake posting here I think.

Goodness me, OP. I suspect that you write many blogs. You referred to it in your opening post. I think perhaps you don't have the audience that you crave and that nobody's listening to you at home, at work... or anywhere really.

For some, St Exupery is all sonnets and moons and Junes - for the rest of us, it's an airport in Lyon (a nice one, admittedly), never lost a single bit of luggage there. I think you're casting your net - or trying to - to find some like-minded individuals. I don't think you'll find them here.

Do you like getting 'told off', hmm? I wondered that too, for a nano-second. I don't think you'll find much interest here for that either if that's the case.

You're in danger of making your situation so much worse than it is... being laughed at - and pitied - will be very painful and very evident if you continue.

Oh, and one last thing: you are not Yuri Zhivago.

No no you really are not.

Get over yourself. Brian.

The best way to get over a crush is to either bring things to a head, which you don't want to do because of the work context, or find someone else to obsess over, also not such a good idea if it is not your wife. Or to stop seeing your colleague on a day-to-day basis. The constant contact feeds the addiction.

I would try harder to change the work arrangements so that you have no contact at all, if at all possible. Once there is no chance you will have to work with her, she will naturally fade away in your mind.

Wow.

You seriously need to get a grip.

If you're obsessing about someone or something, your mind is not fixed on the right things. No doubt you may (potentially) be a decent dad and husband but think about how much better you could be if you cleared this shit out of your head. It will also be affecting your professional life and if that suffers, so does your family. Imagine if she made an allegation of harassment against you because you won't be hiding it nearly as well as you think!

Think of all the emotional energy you're putting into this bullshit. Redirect it into the things that really matter and your wife and kids will love you even more than ever. That's the biggest reward of all. That aside, shouldn't you be obsessed with your family, not some girl you barely know?

It's about growing up (finally). Lots of men don't manage it; this is your chance.

What happens to a man who refuses to grow up? He doesn't stay a boy, he becomes a git.

Don't be one.

What a load of nonsense.

Yet there is still a boy inside - he hasn't gone away The 'boy' is still going to be inside when you're 90. Get used to it and get over yourself.

Cultivate a pair dignity commeasurate with your chronological age and be a father your dc can be proud of because, unless you grow up to be a seriously loaded rock star of pensionable age who can have your pick of young women after your wallet and immortalise your carousing in song, the alternative is too awful to contemplate

The young woman is a symbol for some aspect of your life that is missing or changing, isn't she? It's a midlife crisis that you're having, and needs exploring. Some good personal or spiritual development may come of it. It's nothing really to do with her. Make no overtures to her whatsoever, please.

Oooh, some harsh comments here. OP has used some fancy, flowery language to describe what essentially boils down to boredom and fancying someone new (who happens to be a young girl)

For what it's worth, I've experienced older men at work like this and it's creepy but not sure the OP desrves such vitriol.

I do think however that you basically just need to get over it,focus on other things, if you truly don't want to hurt your wife and kids.

It's the only way, and like you say, this 23 year old would not be interested, so that's that. I guess it's when you think they might be that (I imagine) it's harder?

Someone else mentioned the humour in the situation. That's the best route to go.

Have a laugh at yourself and roll your eyes at the living cliche you've become.

Go home, give your wife a massive hug, remember all the good things you've done together and remind yourself why you love her and your children.

In addition, no matter your earlier protestations about how difficult it is, sort out a new supervisor and see your unaware (I doubt that) crush as little as possible.

I think some of the nastier posts on here are a bit unnecessary tbh.

OP, just a thought but if this younger woman was interested in you would you be so insistent that nothing would happen ?? I doubt it.

But as she isn't interested, its simple really. Unrequited love doesn't last forever. You are in the throws of it right now, but at some point reality will set in, followed by disillusionment, then acceptance. Stop obsessing about something you can't have and put your time and energy into your marriage.