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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone around?

52 replies

armani · 14/10/2012 01:42

I could do with some hand holding. Sat here in tears trying not to have a panic attack.

OP posts:
Pumpster · 14/10/2012 02:01

Call them as soon as you feel safe to. I understand not wanting to call them now if he may hear you. Feeling like this is not normal in a healthy relationship, it is as bad I'm afraid. You can do this with help.

Astelia · 14/10/2012 02:01

This is terrible. Have you got any support from your family or his family?

You can't live with someone who abuses you in this way. I agree with everything the PP have said.

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:02

I'm on my phone so he can't see this.
I actually left him last time. I rented a flat and packed all our things and moved out whilst he was at work. I was 32 weeks pregnant with dc3. The flat I had rented turned out to be a damp infested flea ridden box. I missed my home, familiar surroundings, dcs nursery etc. so I went back.

OP posts:
Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:04

I know this can't go on. I just don't think I can face leaving again. I just feel so so sad for my dcs :(

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:05

Ok, so practical head on.

Get as much stuff together as you can paperwork-wise. Get yours and the kids passports together and keep them safe, away from the house if you can. Also, get a bag together of the essentials, a change of clothes for you all, bank details, ID, a copy of your housing tenancy/mortgage, a recent bill (for ID purposes) etc. and keep that somewhere safe too. Anywhere that you can get it quickly so a friends, your mums, a left luggage locker, anywhere where he cant get a it.

Then, again when you can, take copies of bank statements including any savings accounts/ISAs etc, copies of bills, credit card statements, debt payments. Try and keep these as up to date as possible. These mean that a) you can prove who you are b) that you have rights over your property and c) if you do leave him that you have proof of his income and assets in case he tries to stiff you over maintenance for the kids.

You can do this. If not for yourself but for your children, they deserve better than this xx

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:06

My family know what he is like. They know how nasty he can be and do tend to keep us at arms length for fear of him cutting them off completely.

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 14/10/2012 02:07

You can do it armani you are strong enough - if you weren't on the verge of doing it I don't think you would have posted here.

Where abouts in Uk are you?

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:08

You did it alone last time, this time you dont need to be alone.

WA will help, we will help. Where in the country are you? If you are anywhere near me (/nr Derby) then I would be happy to meet you for a coffee and a chat. I will do what I can, and I know that the rest of MN will too.

You are not alone.

PS He may well check your phone so delete the history on that too, you can never be too safe.

defineme · 14/10/2012 02:08

Why do you have to leave?There must be people who can advise you on staying and throwing him out.Anyone?
Sorry if I'm being incredibly naive and he'll assault you if you did that.

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:09

Thanks babylon and bogey. I feel calmer now. I'm in the south west Babylon.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:09

So if you called your mum tonight and said that he was abusing you and could you please come and stay, what would they say?

They wouldnt make you feel bad would they? They would move heaven and earth to bring you home wouldnt they?

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:11

Define I can understand the OP wanting to leave. If she stays then he knows where she is. A fresh start would be better for her practically and psychologically.

BabylonPI · 14/10/2012 02:12

I think in an ideal world defineme the op would throw him out; however it sounds like she would have a big fight on her hands and it may well become an assault Sad

Also because of DCs, remove them to a place of safety - he may leave later on enabling them to return home - but for now op and her DCs need somewhere to feel safe from him.

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:13

Hey armani I dont know where Babylon is but if it is on a train route then I'll meet ya there! Wink

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:13

It's complicated bogey. My mum has issues with alcohol and although I know she loves us dearly we couldn't stay with her as Dp would use this against me and involve ss, he has already told me this.

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 14/10/2012 02:13

Ok, I'm in derby (Bogeyface and I seem to have the midlands covered) Wink

Keep posting op - has he gone to sleep now?

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:14

Oh bugger, misread that! thought it was a predictive text mistake Blush

I have a very good friend in the SW, depending on where you are, she would be a good friend to you too x

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:16

Fuck him and his threats.

What are her issues? Would she ever be in sole charge of the kids or a threat to them? I am not advocating living with an alcoholic but staying over for a few nights with your mum would not be seen as an issue. Do you have any savings? Do you have access to enough money for a new place?

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:17

babylon I thought she said "I am in SW Babylon"...ie, an address. Yes I am an idiot!

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:21

Yes I think he is most probably asleep now. Just had to settle youngest dd, she was awake crying but has settled now.

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 14/10/2012 02:24

It's late Bogeyface and that just made me snort Grin

Is Babylon on a train route? It has rivers apparently Wink

Sorry op, i probably sound really flippant and I don't mean to.

What about other family, do you have siblings etc?

lovebunny · 14/10/2012 02:24

you know how 'this is the first day of the rest of your life'? it really is. find out where you can get help and take it.

Bogeyface · 14/10/2012 02:28

Armani Can you sleep now? If you can then snuggle down on the sofa or with the kids and come back to us when you can. You need to look after yourself.

Sorry for derailing your thread via my stupidity Blush

We will always be here for you x

Original poster
armani · 14/10/2012 02:31

Thank you do much for all of your support.
No problem bogey :)
I'm going to try and get some sleep on the sofa, my los will probably be up around 6! X

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 14/10/2012 02:57

Check back in when you can, try to sleep xx