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Original poster

Is anyone better than no one?

21 replies

MightyMeerkat · 13/10/2012 21:20

I'm 35. I am shy and find it incredibly hard to build relationships, whether platonic or romantic. Other than going to work, I spend all of my time alone. I often feel lonely and depressed. I have never had a long term relationship and have never lived with a man. I doubt that I will get married or that I will have children (unless I go it alone).

I posted on MN a couple of years ago and internet dating was suggested. I gave it a go and have since had two relationships, one lasting 8 months and the other lasting 4 months. I ended both because my feelings never developed beyond liking.

I am alone again and cannot face more internet dating. Was I wrong to end my previous relationships? Is it better to have someone rather than no one?

OP posts:
WinklyFriedChicken · 13/10/2012 21:25

In answer to your question - no. It is far better to be by yourself than with the wrong person.

Is there any reason you're so opposed to internet dating now? Meeting two people you liked well enough to go out with for a number of months makes it sound reasonably successful; at least then you were meeting people and socialising.

hopkinette · 13/10/2012 21:36

No. Better alone than badly accompanied. And the loneliness of being in a shit relationship is no better than the loneliness associated with being single, in my experience.

Are there any activities you enjoy which lend themselves to socialising? If you like running, for instance, could you join a local running group?

Original poster
MightyMeerkat · 13/10/2012 21:36

I've internet dated on and off for about 3 years. I have dated a lot of frogs! And my two exes were the best of a bad bunch! There are so many time wasters and men with problems on the web that I feel exhausted about even going down that route again.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 13/10/2012 21:39

It's far better to be alone that with someone for the sake of it. It's not fair on either of person.

Why do you feel you need a boyfriend anyway? Is it the thought of being childless?

I remember being 35 and having a biological clock the size of big ben.

I'm not in any way advising you to do what I did, I had my on my own.

Could this be an option for you?

Original poster
MightyMeerkat · 13/10/2012 21:41

Thanks, Hopkinette. I have joined a few clubs in the past and ironically they seem to be full of women like me! Its very rare to find any single men at them grrr

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 13/10/2012 21:43

No.

Maybe you gave up too soon though? Not loving someone after 4 months, even 8 months is not a bad thing. Sometimes it takes time.

RobynRidingHood · 13/10/2012 21:43

I am shy and find it incredibly hard to build relationships, whether platonic or romantic.

Is there an under lying reason why you are so shy?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 13/10/2012 21:43

Fuck, no

Original poster
MightyMeerkat · 13/10/2012 21:44

Thanks, Clipped. You're right about Big Ben! And that is probably driving some of this. I finished with my last ex about a month ago but was so tempted to carry on seeing him just because on paper he ticked a lot of boxes.

I have looked into having a child alone but it would be tough - financially and because I do not have a support network (my closest family is 200 miles away).

OP posts:
legoballoon · 13/10/2012 21:50

In answer to your question - better alone than in an unhappy relationship. That said, you sound like you know that anyway - having packed in your 2 most recently relationships because you didn't think they ticked all the boxes.

I'm sorry you are finding it hard to meet the right person. But do you think you're so focused on meeting Mr Right, that you're missing out on all the fun you could be having?

I'm hoping that your life is more than the search for a partner. Do you have an interesting job? Do you travel? Meet up with the friends and family you do have? Have time for hobbies, even if it's just reading or going for nice walks? If so, I'd enjoy the freedom and spontaneity you can have at this point in your life. In 5 years time you could be married and stuck indoors with a new baby - you never know. Sometimes I think stuff happens when you least expect it.

Yika · 13/10/2012 21:57

In general no, but sometimes yes. You say you sometimes feel lonely and depressed. In those circumstances, I actually think it's better to keep making the effort to meet new people - whether platonic or romantic - rather than be on your own. Eventually one or other relationship of whichever kind will start to bring some reward. But if you get too far into the loneliness rut it's hard to break out of it. You lose confidence and your horizons shrink. But I wouldn't put too much focus in finding a romantic relationship. Just do activities and make sure you're not alone too much.

ClippedPhoenix · 13/10/2012 21:57

Oh sweetheart I know how you feel.

I'm only saying things from my rather selfish perspective here.

This was my situation when I decided to have my DS.

I'm working class, live in a one bedroom ground floor flat. I had a PA job in the West End, no savings as such either.

I gave up my job after maternity leave and went to college to get a qualification in childcare and worked as a playleader for the local council, that way I could take DS with me.

All I'm saying is where there's a will there's a way.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 13/10/2012 21:57

Agree with everyone, better to be alone, in control of your life and your choices.

My male friend joined a cooking class hoping to meet women, and it was full of men with the same idea!

How about a book group, language class etc..not about specifically meeting men, but widening your social circle. Going out with new friends gives you greater contact to the world.

OneMoreGo · 13/10/2012 22:02

I agree with lego - having a partner should complement and already fulfilling and enjoyable life that is rich and pleasing to you. You should feel like you are a whole person on your own, like your own company and be content being single. Then you may meet someone and fall in love.
Have you had any counselling about any of the things you feel may be holding you back in life? Are you happy in yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you spend your time in ways that absorb and delight you and aren't just about meeting new people? These might be some questions to think about. By the way, I don't want to give the impression that I am lecturing without understanding because I am very similar to you in some ways. The only difference is I have never been out of a relationship til recently because I kept dating twats - I thought it was better than being alone. I really regret that now. I even had a DS with one of them which I don't regret although I kind of regret the person I had him with iyswim. Being a single parent is very hard and I was bought up not ever knowing my dad. It is difficult.

Short answer, it is better to be alone than be with someone just for the sake of it. Friendships can be incredibly fulfilling on their own and can tick many boxes in terms of social needs. I think if you do things you love, on and offline (not dating sites but hobby forums/groups etc) and you genuinely like yourself, you will connect well with others and this will enhance your life. Examine the barriers (like shyness) which may be preventing this from happening, and don't worry too much about finding a partner now. It's a common misconception that meeting the Right Person will change your life and make you happy. It won't. You should be happy in your self. Then you won't care if you are single or coupled!

Original poster
MightyMeerkat · 13/10/2012 22:05

Thanks for all of your responses, I appreciate it.

I think you're right. Its better to be alone right now than with someone just for the sake of having someone in my life. I just wish it wasn't so hard to meet someone.

I will give myself a bit of time to myself and then maybe have another go at the internet dating......

OP posts:
JennaLemon · 13/10/2012 22:24

Far better to be on your own than somebody you know isn't right for you. You sound like you know this though. YOu ended two relationships that didn't develop beyond like.

ike1 · 13/10/2012 22:31

oh thats bloody typical! A cooking class lol! Right now I know where to find em...

JennaLemon · 13/10/2012 22:33

Mightymeerkat, I've wondered about those fee dating agencies. Would those be worth a shot. It might cost a couple of grand though. It's a gamble. And I wouldn't expect a long line of princes to choose from! I'm tempted myself, except at my age,42, and with two children I don't think I'd be taken on to their books :-( If I were in your shoes though, I'd expect that there were fewer frogs per hundred members than on an ordinary site. You'd also know they weren't married! They are interviewed by a human being I think.

ClareMarriott · 14/10/2012 16:12

after you have had a bit of time to think- what about sailing clubs?

Camsept01 · 15/12/2019 10:00

I have been debating this exact thing. I had been married for a 5 years before it went pear shaped. I had two amazing boys. The truth is tho I too am shy and lack self esteem and have had one notable relationship since 2008 which I ended after a year for the same reasons as you. I have difficulty with close social relationships. Its not that I dont want to find my soul mate I really do. I am too afraid to embarrass myself or put myself forward to anyone. As a result I am isolated lonely and form lots of fantasy relationships in my head which do help to bridge the gap between my aloneness and need for love and magic :). But I cannot and wont settle for something that is not the real thing or at least a good way towards being the real thing. It would make me sad and more unhappy. Who wants that?!. I can only make myself visible in different places and settings in order to see new faces. Upping who comes through the door in my life gives me more opportunities to see if theres anyone I truly like. Internnet dating is a bit crap. I did it and found it a depressing time. I met some people for 1 date. Nil spark. Infact the whole thing left me depressed. I want to bump into someone and think ' you make my heart sing..you are my everything' Ive ever dreamed of or wanted. And if I go to my grave not having found that then thats fine but ive not settled! Settled for someone who isnt the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, or who doesn't light up my day like a supernova :). Hold out for the supernova. I am . Xx

Interestedwoman · 15/12/2019 10:06

#QTWTAIN -That is a Question To Which The Answer Is No. xxx

II'm sorry yo'u're lonely- could you try meetup.com or go along to groups with the same hobbies/interests? That way you'll make some friends and won't be so lonely. You might even meet someone.

Best wishes xxxxx

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