'D'P thinks im unreasonable - Hoping I am actaully would be easier

[ChristineDaae]

Right so yet ANOTHER argument about the same old thing tonight. Can someone please tell me if I'm in the wrong here? Sorry this might be long but don't want to drip feed!
I work early shifts (7-2) every day and have an evening job (6-11.30/12) 3 nights a week.
DP works 9-6 Mon-Fri. Every lunch time he goes the pub. On evenings i work he comes straight home to mind our DD. Any nights hes not working he goes the pub for an hour. Meaning he gets home just before our DD is going to bed.
Weekends - he probably goes the pub for a couple of hours one day, not at all the next. Some weekends he doesn't go. Today hes been out fixing his car, then in bed, tonight doing a shift as a favour to the pub hes always at, so had a nap between.
He says I am unreasonable as its 'only an hour' and he deserves time to himself.
Just in case it makes a difference, he drinks at home too so not like its something he can only do at the pub.
Apparently I'm selfish and expect him to spend every moment of every day with us...
Can someone please tell me if I'm wrong for wanting him to WANT to spend time with his family?

I think I would sit down and work out how much he spends per week on alcohol. Then how much you take home in your second job, after deductions. Then write it out very, very clearly and show him. His response will probably tell you a lot about his priorities, hopefully it'll shock him into acting like a good husband.

dontmind sorry i wrote my hour wrong - i work 7-3, i could change it to 9-5 easier but it would cost me more in childcare. My evening job i do them hours as its the only shifts I can do with my FT job.
lego thankfully we had a massive discussion last week right before I was paying the wedding deposit and haven't paid it. I just don't want to spend my life like this but I haven't got the guts to walk. The worst thing is I KNOW how much better off my DD will be with 1 happy parent than 2 unhappy ones, been there done that. I think i just needed to hear it from people who aren't close to me to make sure its not just an emotional response

£70 a week on wine - plus whatever he spends at the pub??

Would you even need a second job if you both stuck to a bottle between you once a week and going for a walk instead of the pub?

it's insane christne, his logic is just horrible. i remember throwing cans out in the road after begging him not to drink them and he opened one any way. it is not going to change without a massive wake up call for him and maybe not even then. he might promise to change. then after a week a month whatever it would go back to normal.
you cant stay with someone for the children, when my dd said to me i like it when daddy smells of beer because it means he will be nicer. fuck i mean that is her right there growing up, falling for an alcoholic. kids should not be growing up round that, learning that, that behaviour is ok.
dont stay because you think it will be better for you dd, it's what is going to be better for you both in the long run. you deserve better you really do.

Well no £70 a week is around what I make in my second job after tax I suppose. But after bills we keep our money pretty separate.
duffedup that sounds heartbreaking, our DD is only 2 at the moment but it's that type of thing I dread, I hate the thought of her growing up thinking it's OK to drink every night

Christine,

re your comment:-
"The others being I really want my DD to have her parents together, and I've been with him since I was really young so don't really know what I would do if I was single!"

Neither are good enough reasons to stay and remain within this. Your child alone should not be used as the glue to keep you both together.

It will do your DD no favours at all to grow up in a household where one of her parents has an alcohol problem. It will wreak her (as well as you) emotionally and give her a whole host of emotional issues, the affects of which may not become fully apparant until she is an adult herself. She will not thank you for staying with someone like this.

It is also too easy to become codependent in a relationship where drink is a major problem. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

When did you get together by the way, time to expand your own horizons now. Do not settle for this!.

Do not marry him. The best thing to do now would be to call the wedding off and end this relationship. He loves drink more than both of you anyway. His mates are all bar staff and the vast majority of his free time is spent in the pub. That won't change if you get married to him.

I was in a 7 year long relationship that sounds like yours op - he drank every night - and all day if he wasn't working. Any night out that took us anywhere other than down the local (which was rare) would end in a 100 mile an hour drive back for last orders, when he would order himself 5 pints. He would promise to come home straight from work but go to the pub instead. I never knew when he would come home. He was a subby and once, when he had no work he sold stuff from the house so he could go drinking. Another time when we didnt have enough money for the rent, I hid his shoes to stop him going...he walked to his mums barefoot (half a mile) and borrowed some shoes from his dad and went to the pub.

i look back and think wtf did I stay for?

I didn't have children with him - but having grown up in a household where daily and excessive drinking was the norm, I would say take some time to sort out how you will manage. Try to save a bit of money. Then leave. He is very unlikely to change.

Good luck & remember that whilst things will be hard when you're leaving and for a time after - life will get much much better.

Like many alcoholics as well he is mired in denial and is likely also underestimating badly how much he is drinking.

He may well not be able to disguise his drink problem at work any longer.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be helped, you can only help your own self.

For goodness sake, call the wedding off and extricate yourself from this misery of a relationship asap.

14 bottles of wine a night at a minimum of £4 a bottle is £56 a week.

Add in his five day a week pub lunches ... That is a minimum of £3 per pint, minimum one pint per day, that's a further £15 .....

It's not just abut the time he's stealing from his family to spend in the pub, it's about the money he is stealing from the family to spend on alcohol.

If he didn't drink, you would not need to work a second job.

So he's also spending two weekday hours at the pub, in addition to the lunches, and two weekend hours at the pub. Allow, to be kind, two pints an hour. That's £6 per hour, which is £24 total.

So 56 15 24

95

Ninth five pound a week goes on his alcohol. At LEAST.

And you are doing about 17 hours working a second job, and it will be minimum wage, so
6.19 x 17 = 105.23

He spends ninety per cent of YOUR SECOND WAGE on alcohol.

I reiterate - if he didn't drink, you would not need to have a second job. You could spend your evenings with your daughter instead of serving drinkers. But he chooses to drink excessively, so you have to work.

Christine, if you were single and left one of your jobs you'd get tax credits (the tax alone on the two jobs must be a nightmare!) which would give you top ups towards childcare, up to 70%. It would likely be possible to find a childminder who would be able to cover you for the early starts if you can't find a friend to give DD a lift to nursery. Or you could change your hours if it was the only option (even if it did cost more)

You would also be eligible for housing benefit which will be relative to the rental costs in your area, perhaps slightly below market value.

If you work around 20 hours a week at minimum wage, you will get top ups of almost all of this value and some on top, if you work 40 hours a week then it will be around half of this. Also, you would get some maintenance from your DP towards your DD and this is no longer counted against benefits.

Plus as others have said your life is very expensive just now because of his drinking - when you take this out you'd probably be surprised at how much you have spare. Maybe after bills you keep your money separate, but who buys food (is alcohol included on the weekly shop?), who buys clothes for DD, who buys cleaning stuff, toys, birthday presents, nice things for the home, pays for days out. Who pays for the car stuff (if you have one), who pays all of those other things that you can't set a direct debit for and forget? If he's spending the vast majority of his "spare" money on drink and you're tending to spend yours more on essentials or things which benefit the whole family, then that's not equal or fair.

I know the idea of relying on state handouts isn't nice, but when you're not slogging your guts out in two jobs at once and DD is a bit older and more independent and/or at school there is no reason why you couldn't get a more well paid job and bring you both out of the benefits trap. That's what they're there for - so you don't have to be dependent on someone who treats you like this.

Do not marry him. The best thing to do now would be to call the wedding off and end this relationship. He loves drink more than both of you anyway. His mates are all bar staff and the vast majority of his free time is spent in the pub. That won't change if you get married to him

This is so important, I feel it needs to be repeated.

Decide now how you want to live the rest of your life and start taking small steps to get yourself where you want to be. Small changes make big differences. I would start with packing in the second job. He is only drinking that money anyway, so it's wasted.

If you could move your hours to 9-5 then you could use nursery, dropping off at 8am, picking up at 6 giving you an hour to commute. When your DD is at school, this will make life even easier as childcare costs will fall dramtically.

How much "time to yourself" do you get each week?

Sorry but i dont think you should marry this man.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship???

I think the issue here isnt that he goes to the pub but that he is an alcoholic. If he didnt drink in the evening and at lunchtime went to the pub for a coke and a sandwich would you be bothered? 2 bottles of wine a night is seriously hardcore surely?

Brettgirl, his alcoholism is clearly the main issue here.

However, the fact that he doesn't have a problem draining the family's resources in order to maintain his drinking habit and social life are also indicative of selfishness. If the OP is working silly hours unnecessarily, that is ridiculous. In a couple, you look out for each other and try to make each other's lives easier, not more difficult. And IMHO that includes reigning in your spending, when and where required. My OH takes sandwiches to work - he'd rather spend £5 a day on sarnies and soft drinks, but knows that the money saved is something that can be spend on family activities.

Oh I just typed up a big response and lost connection!

Thanks so much for all the replies, I think I just needed to back up what I was thinking as he says I'm too demanding and need to be more understanding. He thinks the amount he drinks is normal, and loads of other people spend loads more time in the pub than him.
Thanks for all the info on benefits but I'm not entitled to a penny where I live. On the plus side my tax is low so even my second job is only taxed around normal tax in the Uk.
I think I'm going to have to sit and work out my finances properly tonight once DD is in bed. There is a possible promotion coming up in work in the next month or 2, if I got that money wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue.
Wow this is hard but I know my DD deserves so much better!

You deserve so much better too Christine.

Clam asked how much free time do you get? This is time when you can do what you like, on your own if you want to, without children.

Work it out, keep a record over the next week. Write down all the time he gets to himself and all the leisure time you get. It should be roughly even. I expect it will show that he has vastly more leisure time than you do.

He can't argue with plain facts can he.

How much time "other people" spend in the pub is their problem, not yours. He can try and normalise it all he likes but it doesn't change the fact that it is his drinking/spending/time out of the house that it the issue for you.

He's a "functioning alcoholic". My dad was one of those. Now, he's only 67 but lives in sheltered housing and walks with a Zimmer frame because of all the strokes caused by alcohol...

Your partner has a clear choice - accept he has a problem and address it (only he can decide this) or realise that he is likely to destroy his life and possibly lose the people he loves the most because he is addicted to alcohol.

I'm not tolerant of alcohol or drug abuse so I know I take a hard line but why the fuck does drinking or "socialising" (hah!) matter more to him than you do?