Want my partner to move out

[NancyNameChanger]

First of all - nc test

Am a regular on a nc. If anyone recognises me please don't out me as RL people know my usual nn.

The really short story is I've finally had enough of my partners constant miserable mood, criticisms and bad temper. I'd like him to leave. We have 2 dc 5 yo and 9 weeks old. I honestly think it will be better for them not to grow up in a house of tension. I've modified my behaviour so much to try and pre-empt his moods but I now realise no matter what I do he won't be happy. I've noticed my 5yo is starting to modify hers too and this is unacceptable - treading on eggshells at 5! We've been together 9 yrs but not married. We live in a mortgaged house that is solely in my name as he had bad credit when we got the mortgage. Mortgage is paid from a joint account. I'd like him to leave but I know he will refuse. He's not physically violent but does like to throw and break things. As well as shout and swear a lot. He honestly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong though.

Financially I will be fine just about as I earn a higher salary than he does. I pretty much do all the parenting now anyway so that's also not a problem. I feel light and free at the thought of living without him. But I also feel mean and horrible asking him to leave. He won't be able to afford to rent anywhere more than a room in a house or go back to his parents. I don't really know what my question is other than - what can I do? There's lots of backstory but need to go and get dd1 now. Not trying to be drip-feedy!

Your house, in your name. You call the shots.

Get a sole account and switch your direct debits over, and your salary of course.

Switch all the bank and mortgage stuff over and serve him an eviction notice?

also, talk to a solicitor.
tell all your family what you are planning, so that they can be "on call" if he turns violent towards you.

I think it's the thought of it all that daunts and exhausts me. Deep down I know how to do it and that I should but I'm scared to. Scared of telling anyone in RL as then there's no going back. I asked him to leave about 3 years ago, got his parents involved. It was horrible. After 3 weeks and lots of promises i let him move back in. Things did improve and we tried for dd2. Sadly she died shortly after birth last year and then dd3 was born just a few weeks ago but he seems to be worse than ever. I don't understand. If he's so unhappy why doesn't he just go. He can't seem to cope with anything without going ballistic.

Do you have supportive family?

Yes very. But they've supported me through so much recently. I don't think they would be surprised though.

He's so irritable with dd1. If she does something to irritate him he lumps me in with her - 'you two piss me off so much' etc like I'm 5 too. I'm so sick of the eye rolling, dramatic sighs and for fucks saking. It's lime he's so hard done by yet the whole house revolves around him. If I try and talk to him he tells me not to make him out to be an ogre. Then I wonder if it is me expecting too much.

It's not you.

It sounds draining and exhausting!

Could you have someone with you when you tell him?

Thanks everyone it's good to get it down if nothing else. Now I'm looking at him and dd1 snuggled on the sofa and I feel like I'm going mad as it's so far removed from the 'other' him.

My mum would be with me if I asked her. I just don't know. What I'd really like is for him to simply say 'I'm not happy I'm moving out'. More 'bastard leave' than 'leave the bastard'

Actually I've been thinking more overnight - lots of time during night feeds! I think he's depressed and it comes out as aggression and anger. He struggles to get anything done and the smallest task or responsibility seem to overwhelm him and make him angry. He constantly saying he's tired despite sleeping 8-9 hours a night. Everything stresses him out. He can't seem to be happy or take pleasure in anything. Not even nice days out. He's not just like it at home but everywhere

Has he always been like it?

My dh has depression long term. Neither of us realised for a long time. It manifested in a lot of ways, no motivation to do anything, not able to get a new job as he couldn't bring himself to apply, bit obsessed with sex (think it made him feel better momentarily), he would either be really really unhappy about his job or our sex life or his hobby etc. There was always something.

It took years to work out that he would focus his depression on one thing and then say that the one thing was the problem that was making him unhappy, rather than he was unhappy and was blaming it on the one thing. Iyswim!

He is on medication now and has just started counselling. The medication has really worked! He did stop taking it for a while as he thought he was better but a few months later he started acting like a dick! He was convinced i didn't love him because of the lack of sex even though there was plenty of it. He was focusing on something to be negative about again.

He was awful to live with, like a black cloud walking into the room! He wouldn't do anything about it as he was so convinced that the only problem was that i didn't love him. Even i didn't realise for quite a while what the problem was until suddenly i twigged that it was probably the depression again.

Eventually i told him to either see the Dr and go back on the meds or i would tell his family about his depression. He went back on the meds and was a different person within a week!

He accepts now that it is the cause of everything and that he will probably need to be on medication for the rest of his life.

Well OP - they may be something in what you say.....BUT it is important to bear in mind that many people suffer from depression, and are struggling, but they do not abuse their partners with it.

Remember - he is not abusive because he is angry, but rather he is angry because he is abusive.

Depression is not a licence to be aggressive, rude, controlling and hurtful to his partner, or sour everything else because it doesn't suit him.

MN seems to be full of people making posts that say "ABUSE!" I start getting Monty python type images in my head. I digress...

Abusive behaviour is often caused by something, and by that I mean people do it as a means to an end. As another poster said, her OH was depressed, therefore trying to assign blame because he was trying to rationalise the cause of his feelings. Some abusers shout and throw things because they feel unheard or feel like they are losing control. I'm not at all justifying these behaviours, but pointing out they are a means to an end. You mentioned he is stressed out a lot, when you talk to him about this what does he say? Does he admit he is stressed and struggling to cope? He might sense he is losing the plot and is unable to admit this, so is directing the blame on you.

In terms of other options, you could try another time to get him to see how you feel. Tell him you need to have a serious chat and schedule it in at an agreed time. I'd then keep this conversation non- accusatory, ask him openly how he currently views the relationship. If he doesn't take the bait, I'd describe how you want the relationship to be, and be honest about your feelings. Hopefully that would lead to a discussion about how to work on making it better together.

If you are going ahead with ending the relationship I'd do as others suggested and make plans first before telling him. It sounds like it will be messy. Good ideas to tell family, definitely move your mortgage payment at least to another account. Having someone nearby would be helpful if you think he will be violent (violence includes throwing things).

Thank you for your really insightful posts. Especially you fuckyou for sharing your story. It sounds very similar. He has always been like which led to us separating for that brief time 3yrs ago. But then it was like he realised what he could lose and was loads better. We went to relate as well. Then after dd2 died we were both obviously grieving (and still are) but it's got really bad since dd3 arrived. I tried to encourage him to go to bereavement counselling but he wouldn't.

I know there are many many reasons why he's like he is but I just can't seem to make a difference. I try and pre-empt things he might complain about but there's always something I've missed. I've been finding myself putting his moods before the dc's. I think you're right I need to schedule in a time for us to seriously talk. I'm just exhausted and think things would be so much easier without him around.

As another poster said, her OH was depressed, therefore trying to assign blame because he was trying to rationalise the cause of his feelings.

You put that so much more eloquently!

Op. Only you can decide if its worth trying or if you just can't take it anymore. Trying to preempt his moods isn't good.

With my dh i would be aware of when he was starting to slip and would know that i couldn't go for however many days not having sex with him as he would plummet . . . how awful is that?!

I can't believe i went along with it for so long to be honest and i am amazed that we are still together considering how pressured i always felt. It was complicated by my being a victim of childhood sexual abuse so i didn't actually know how to say no or rather didn't entirely think i could. I learnt through counselling and also learnt how to put myself first and not take any shit!

It was particularly awful for me because i could have really done with not feeling like a sex object. It made me feel awful.

If that was now i wouldn't stand for it!