Want to leave my husband

[peppajay]

I need to make a decision, I either need to leave my husband which means my children will grow up not seeing him or just accept that he doesnt want to be involved with the kids and let him lead his own life, if I stay at least the children will see their dad morning and evening if I leave they will never see him. We have discussed it and he won't leave as he has put everything into the house and he won't just walk away, actually this is one of the problems he thinks more of the house than his own family. He hates the mess and clutter that comes with a family, and he hates being woken up at 630 in the morning in fact most weekends he sleeps at a mates so he doesnt get woken up. Basically he is a crap dad and having children has changed him into a bitter grumpy old man. The problem is I have no money of my own as he is the sole earner so if I want to leave I need to find somewhere to rent for me and 2 kids. We would be better off without him as life is far less stressful when he isnt around but practically it isn't posiible for me to leave so do I just have to lump it and stay or is there a way round it theat anyone can suggest?

Hi, really sorry to read your post, sounds like a horrid situation. Hopefully someone who knows more about this sort of thing will be along soon & can offer better advice than me. Sounds like you'd both be happier apart but separating doesn't mean you have to leave the family home. I'm pretty sure that as you are married & have children, even though you may not have financially contributed to the marital home, you still have a stake in it. I'd start by going to the CAB as they should be able to give you some free advice on what your rights are in this situation. The welfare of the children is always put 1st. Do hope you can sort things out & find a way forward to a happier future. xxx

If you file for divorce, then you won't necessarily need to leave the house.

My gut feeling from what you have written is that having a dysfunctional father around mornings and evenings, who is grumpy and difficult around the children, and does nothing with them - that cannot be good for their emotional well being. Or yours. If you leave, you have the chance for happiness and indepedence.

Did you work before children, could you restart a career? Do you have family that could give you support in the short term? You could go along to see a solictor or CAB and see what practical advice they can give you, just for information.

I would seek proper legal advice re the house and finances; such men often refuse to leave the property (that is used as a form of control). Seek legal advice too re divorcing him, that will also show him how serious you are. Some solicitors as well do a 30 minute free consult; its worth ringing around a few.

Ditch the 12 or so stone of useless weight you have saddled yourself with and make a better and happier life for you and your children. You will become a lot happier as well without his malign prescence around if and when he is bothered to be there (he is not there early on the weekend as he is at a mates house).

No obstacle is insurmountable; you and your children certainly cannot go on as you are now. Doing nothing is not an option here!!!. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. If you were to stay with this individual they certainly as adults would not thank you for doing so and that could also damage your own relationship with them. They could perhaps wonder why you put him before them in their childhood.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, this current one they are seeing is not fit for purpose is it?. Is this really the role model you want them to follow, of course its not.

How old are the DC btw?.

I would also suggest longer term that you enrol in Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men take a long time to recover from.

I'd suggest you talk to a solicitor about your rights and responsibilities in terms of finances and accommodation in the event of a divorce. Many offer a free half-hour consultation. Because you are married, you will probably find you have more options open to you than you currently think. There is such a thing as an 'order of sale' for example, whereby the marital home can be forcibly sold and the proceeds shared between both parties. Your local authority may be able to house you temporarily in the meantime if you really need to get away. A charity like Womens Aid could give you some pointers there.

As regards the children seeing their father, isn't that really his responsibility? Despite living in the same house now he's deliberately avoiding them. A child growing up being ignored by a parent, even though they live together, will experience a far greater sense of rejection I would have thought than a child who has formal/mandatory access to that parent determined via the courts.

thanks for all your advice. I will ring round some solicitors next week. It is quite a sad story because he was so different before children and I think if he lived on his own again he would be this happy go lucky man he used to be. He can't cope with the restraints and responsibilities of parenthood which is a shame because as a MAN not a father he is so kind and unselfish. He looks after his grandma and great aunt so well he will do anything for them and he will always help a neighbour in need but when it comes to his family he just can't do it. I have suggested he has counselling but he won't do it hence why I feel I need to leave. The children absolutely adore him and stifle him when he is around, this is what puts me off leaving as they will hate me for taking them away from him. I also know if I go he wont fight to see the kids as he can't cope with them on his own so if I do go it probably means they will not see their father again. The children are 4 and 6.

Why can't you move into a rented house with the kids?

Stupidly I have no money of my own and no income and I don't think he will help me out. :0(

The children will not hate you if he chooses not to see them any more. They may not understand in the early days but, when they are a little older, they will judge him very harshly for opting out of their childhood.

You can get money of your own if you separate. The hurdle is getting housed but local authorities often have some options for people in your situation. Then there is a wide range of various benefits available.... check out the benefit calculator at www.turn2us.org.uk to see what those may be. Finally, there is the CSA who can help you secure maintenance for your children, even if you're not actually divorced. This could give you both some space and time to work out what to do next. If he manages to get past his selfish refusal to accept responsibility for his DCs you may be able to make it work. If not, you're well on the way to an independent life.

www.turn2us.org.uk Click 'Benefits Search' to find the benefits calculator. If you can get a job then you'd also qualify for Working Tax Credits plus a subsidy for child-care like breakfast or after-school clubs.