DW not in love with me any more (a bit long sorry)

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

So my DW has said she doesn?t love me any more. We have two DCs, 4 and under 6 months and have been together 8 years. DW says she isn?t happy and thinks we have drifted apart and can?t see having romantic feelings for me again. We haven?t been arguing (no more than the odd disagreement you?d expect), there aren?t money/alcohol/abuse/affair etc issues. She says she still sees me as a friend and doesn?t want to be breaking up our family.

It?s not completely out of the blue as she told me when she was pregnant with last DC that she was struggling with how she saw me, but it seems to have gone further downhill since then. I think it really started as we struggled to conceive latest DC. I thought she was unhappy with not getting pregnant but maybe it was more than that (but if so why did she want to have another kid?) She hasn?t said she wants a divorce or me to move out (yet anyway). To me it feels like we?ve got into a hole and can?t find our way out, and there is potential for us to get back to where we were. I?ve suggested going to Relate but she doesn?t seem too keen at the moment.

My heads in a complete muddle. I find it so hard to relate to where she is at as I?m still in love with her. The loss of affection is really hard, I miss just a hug or holding hands, I?m not as fussed about not having sex (we haven?t done anyway since we found out she was pregnant).

At the moment we are carrying on, and have a curiously polite attitude to each other. I?d find it so hard to not be there for my kids. But is this fair for us or the kids? Deep down I guess I?m hoping that her feelings will come back, but that might just be a foolish hope. In the meantime our lives are in a sort of standstill. I?m really scared of what will happen if we do split up. My DCs are amazing and I hate thinking about how it would be for them, and all the things I?d miss with my youngest especially. It?s horrible thinking of the financial and practical issues as well.

So, is there any hope? Can it work if one person in a marriage only sees the other as a friend?

It?s not completely out of the blue as she told me when she was pregnant with last DC that she was struggling with how she saw me

It's possible that her feelings are linked to these two pregnancies, rather you just you. Would she be willing to have counselling on her own to explore in more details how her perception of you changed when she was pregnant, or about to become pregnant?

Because this happened both times, I feel they may be at the cause of it. Did she stop seeing you as a partner, a lover, a man and see you as more of a father, an authority figure, something that she could not easily relate to?

Just a thought.

My ex offered to let me stay as his housekeeper and suggested we 'co parent' and even occasionally have sex!

Spero - just

I'm almost in mourning for the life we should have. Very self-pitying I know

Of course you are OP - not self-pitying in the slightest, you are grieving. I'm so sorry OP, this must be very painful for you.

I must say it is quite a bombshell and you probably don't feel you can address it in depth because you have a very new baby in the house. I'm sorry it has come to this but I agree with other posters that it is better for you to take the initiative here, as she seems to have left you hanging really. I'm not saying she is doing it intentionally - she has a new baby and may not be very with-it - but this is a very difficult announcemnt for you to absorb.

Couples counselling is not just to patch up a rocky relationship, it is also to prepare both parties if there is going to be an inevitable split. You also don't necessarily go together to all sessions - sometimes you have sessions alone with the therapist. I'd get the ball rolling iiwy. Make it clear to her that you are not suggesting counselling to patch things up but to address the situation and negotiate where to go from here.

I wish you all the best OP.

Sorry, wasn't very clear. It was during the latest pregnancy when it came up.

I'm not going to be a martyr to this, but at the same time I want to give it every chance.

Thanks for the advice everyone, have to long off now.

Oops, log off

My ex did the I don't love you speech, out of the blue....

I made him talk to me and there were loads of misunderstandings but it was simply too late by then. He refused to go to Relate so wouldn't even help me to deal with the split.... Communication is key in any relationship. I have learned that the hard way.

She needs to be honest with you as you can't carry on like this indefinitely.

Good luck.

This is very sad but I think you have to also think about the children and yourself in this. It seems as though your wife is saying she doesn't want to try anymore, which basically ends the relationship, she doesnt need to explicitly end it, but that she is happy to live with you knowing you love her and want the relationship to continue? What an absolutely toxic environment that would be for the children and a horrible and cruel thing for you. Instead of thinking about this based on what you hope you can make her see about your relationship you need to accept that what she is saying is for her the relationship is over right now and you need to take steps to acting on that, protecting your feelings and the dc's.

To me marriage isn't so much about being in love but commitment. Commitment to maintain the love. She is perfectly entitled to not do that and yes your relationship might be perfectly salvageable if you both worked together on it BUT she doesn't want to do that and so you are on a total hiding to nothing with the counselling as even if you got her through the door it takes a huge amount of commitment to fix a broken marriage and it sounds as though she is not committed anymore. She doesn't have to be either; both of you have a right to be happy with your lives but she doesn't get to have what is best for her at the expense of the children or you I think.

Only you'd know if there is any chance of salvage. And for the sake of your kids it's worth trying to find a way to make it work. Pregnancy and young children take a toll on any marriage and I'd be inclined to suggest no rash decisions at this stage. 6 months isn't long in your life and you may find that she feels differently then.
I would strongly recommend some sort of councelling either together or apart. Do you have any RL friends to talk to about this?

Thanks everyone. We had a good chat tonight and she says she does want our relationship to work, and admits she's got to put the effort in to achieve that. Here's hoping.

oh that's encouraging news. and, yes, here's hoping

I haven't been in your situation but I do wonder if: trouble conceiving + death of parent + baby + possible PND could = huge attack of the wobbles and what am I doing with my life type thoughts. Keep being supportive but, if possible, not clingy. Best of luck!

I suppose it's better than the original statement. Personally, I wouldn't want someone have to make an effort to love me.... I'd much rather it came naturally. Still. Good luck.

That's very promising, but don't let her keeping pulling this line with you.
It's very cruel, and in the end she may turn round say she's leaving and that she "warned you". This is exactly what happened to my DH with his ex.
He was devastated and it took him a long time to get over it and trust again. (Luckily he met me and we're happier than ever and have shared parenting with his ex )

Once the children came along, what changed in your relationship? Did your wife give up work to look after the children?

I ask because I have seen this happen in relationships of friends. And the 'power balance' changes. Instead of being two equal adults in a partnership, there is one (the man) who becomes more 'powerful' and one who becomes more dependent.

It can change the dynamics of a relationship significantly and can be very, very difficult to come to terms with - especially for the person who becomes more dependent/less 'powerful'.

Could it be that her dissatisfaction is actually with your relationship rather than with you?

I also wonder, as others have, whether or not she is suffering from PND?

Even if not, I would counsel you based on my own experience - and echoed by many, many others! - that the months and initial years after DC are probably the hardest that you will have to go through in your marriage. In fact, I almost think it should be illegal to separate/divorce until your children are at least 10

I'm glad that you have started talking about it, and wish you very good luck.

I think there is a big difference between loving someone and being in love. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had to make an effort to love me either but I think working on the being in love once in a while isn't abnormal or necessarily problematic with a background of love. Depends which she meant in the first statement?

and admits she's got to put the effort in to achieve that. Here's hoping.

On hearing this, my advice to you would be not to let the situation drag out indefinitely, ie her paying lip service to the whole 'need to make an effort' thing, and actually doing eff all. What is the situation regarding both of you at home? Is she going back to work or does she intend to be a SAHM? Are you working fulltime?

I would say OP, put a timeframe in place in your own head. When that timei comes, just tell her that you love her but if she doesn't love you, you want to make amicable co-parenting arrangements with her, living apart. In fact, you should start thinking about the logistics of that now.

It's fine to feel the way she does, it happens. But it's not fine to just expect the other person to own it and leave the status quo as it is. What are you getting out of that? Zip, that's what. To put it another way, she's getting everything (Dad at home with the kids, possibly the sole provider, and she doesn't have to make any changes after admitting she doesn't see you in that way). You do have a life to live you know, and there's no reason that life shouldn't have your children in it.

It isn't surprising at all that she got pregnant again, notwithstanding her views on you. She wanted another child. I think we can assume that was the overriding imperative at the time.

All I can say is that she said she really does want it to work. She doesn't know how we've got to this point and can't explain how she's lost those romantic feelings. We've had a hell of a lot going on which could well have had an effect. I know she's not happy, but it's difficult to identify how much of that unhappiness is down to our relationship or everything else that is going on. I said that she can't rely on a marriage to make her happy (though it would be great if it helped rather than hindered), and ultimately she's got to come to cope with what life throws at us whether we are married or not.

She doesn't want to have sex with me at the moment. I can cope with that but I explained that to have any chance of us carrying on we at least need to be affectionate with each other (i.e. not like having the 6 inch rule at school!) She understood that and part of why she has been withdrawn from me is because she was worried I would want to take things further.

We actually seem to be getting on better the last few days since she said it. Probably because it was a huge weight on her mind which was affecting communications. That might make her sound selfish but I knew something was up and I'm far happier that she's said why rather than just grinning and bearing it. She has clarified her first statement about not being in love to saying that she does love me, but isn't in love with me in a romantic sense. I've said that we cannot allow it to go on indefinitely like that.

Like I said in the OP we seem to have got to a place, mainly through the battering that life gives you, and we're struggling to get out from it. At least now we're being open with each other I think we've got a chance. I do realise a chance is all it is though.

By 'making an effort' I don't mean grinning and bearing it (which would be awful). I just mean giving it a shot rather than giving up and accepting it's over.

Helltotheno, I don't think things started going badly until after we'd started trying for our second. That was very difficult for reasons I don't particularly want to go into I'm afraid! I work full time, she works part time (on maternity at the moment).

It sounds hopeful then but you may need a little break from each other to both have a good think about what you want and how you feel about life. She needs to work out whether it is that she's not happy in the relationship or that she is making her happiness dependent on the relationship.