DP just makes things worse.........

[thepinkhen]

On the verge of leaving my DP.

Fed up with being given no choice but to put his needs and his kids needs (wants) first all the time. We're going to Relate but I don't feel like we are getting anywhere.

Told DP I am worried about my teenage son today. We literally never get any time to be alone together. He is surrounded by my step kids who put him down and boast about how wonderful they are. He is being negative, forgetful, lazy in school and tells me he doesn't care, says he's useless etc.

My DP response? I am not making the most of the opportunities to spend time with DS (when are they then?! Probably about 30 mins a week! whilst I spend many, many hours with his kids).

He's told me that after over 2 yrs of living together, I am not giving things time to be part of a "family".

I am so angry. I've given him and his kids so much emotionally, I am bled dry.

DS and I are a family, we don't need his kids to be a family unit!

Not trying to offend, but why do you spend so much time and energy with his kids and not your own?

You need to draw a line and make things much fairer. It sounds like you have been prioritising this man child and his DC above your DS, which is why things are going so wrong for him.

I'm sad for you...
how old are your stepchildren? Older?
I don't know what to advise really because I don't have any steps...
I do know that I would always put my children first though, in any new relationship and I don't think that's wrong.
It sounds like you've been trying to please everyone and ended up pleasing no-one.
FWIW, maybe you should focus on what you want and what will make you happy?

If think if you can be happy in your own skin, you make others happy too..

I think I am more angry at myself.

DP and I argue and argue because he always does whatever his kids or ex wife want. He refuses to take mine and DS needs into consideration. His kids follow either me or DS around and I have to tell each of them (there are 4) to give me and DS space and then DP interrupts too. I have to get out of the house to get any space.

DP has told me his kids are jealous of mine and DS relationship and I think DP is too (doesn't like me cuddling him etc).

Your DP is jealous of the attention you show your child?

I am not surprised to hear you are on the verge of leaving him.

Sits in counselling and says "its not right for a boy of that age to be cuddling his Mum, he's being a woos and doing it to wind me up". (He's 14)

And then he makes sure we never get any time together by making sure his kids are with us all the time or he's glued to my side. Grrrr.

Twitterqueen - steps are younger and older.

Crisis after crisis with them whilst DS and I have accomodated. No more me thinks!

Have you changed your name a little or is there another poster who isn't you? (Just trying to understand, not criticising)

I think a boy of any age should cuddle their mum.

You seem to have 3choices:
Set proper boundaries with your step children and twunt, and time for your son
Do nothing.
Leave with your son and make a life for the two of you.

Good luck,x

Do you mean your DP doesn't like you cuddling your son, or the step children don't like it?

Yes, I'm normally Red. Trying to be a bit less searchable.

DP doesnt' like it and has mentioned it several times. I think the teen steps find it odd as they dont' show any affection. I cuddle my youngest step though, apparently that is fine because she is a girl.

I think that is so very sad for your son. :(

I could not do that to a child of mine, if I were in your position I would most definitely leave! As fast as I possibly could.

I would go so far as to say that the fact that he makes sure you and your son do not get any quality time alone is abusive and manipulative.

He keeps saying that we have to be one family and it's not healthy for me to spend time with DS alone. I just have to get used to being a big family.

Of course, it's ok for him to spend many hours alone with his kids doing various things isn't it?

Why do you allow the double standards though OP? If you can see them, what does he say when you challenge him?

Thats why we're having counselling, because I can't stand the double standards.

Leave him.

You have tried. You need to put your son first, and take him out of this nightmare that this Big Family is.

Sorry pink, did not think about that, I shall report my previous post.

I think your son deserves your attention right now, TPH, and not your partner. for you, sadder still for your son. It doesn't sound like your partner's 'family model' is one to aspire to, if they don't show affection or respect boundaries.

And for what it's worth my brother, in his thirties, gives shares lovely hugs with my mum and dad (both in their sixties). And cuddles HIS son. And I've got a son (another on the way!) and the day I stop cuddling them will be the day I die, and not before!

I'm sad for you as I know you have tried to make it work but it isn't always possible. It does feel like your P can't give to you - it's about his needs, you shouldn't have to justify spending time with your ds.

I think I'm in a similar situation with my H, we've done joint counselling and I don't think it helps to fix the root cause.Would he consider solo counselling so that he explores why he feels like he does? How is your counsellor handling the way he responds to your request for time with your ds ? A good counsellor can make the difference.

Leave. You've already sacrificed so much for this family - I very much doubt I could have been quite so saintly as you've been. All this talk of you not giving things enough time is rubbish - and is effectively emotional blackmail, probably because he knows full well things would be a lot harder for him and his kids when you go. There's only a few years left of DS's childhood - please don't sacrifice those as well because you'll never get them back and you'd never forgive yourself looking back. The impression I've always had of your son from reading your posts is that he's usually a very positive easy going kids so it's sad and worrying to hear he's not himself. That could be the cummulative effect of the way you live ..... if you leave, you'll give him some breathing space, and lots more time, and a mum who isn't stressed out always. I very much doubt it'd make things worse and I suspect that once you get over the initial and natural sadness it'll be the best thing for both you and DS.

If it's you who's posted before (and I think it must be...) I remember at the time thinking your dp's got himself a lovely housekeeper, and housekeeper's son who Know Their Place. Thank God you're not standing for it any more and going to relate.

Give it a time limit please.

Another thing I remember is thinking your son's self esteem is being so badly eroded in this situation. Keep hugging him and telling him he's great.

You dont need counselling for his "double standards". This man is controlling and manipulative to you, and your son.

Your posts back in February 2011 were in the same vein as this. I remember them well, I felt really sorry for you back then.

Do you still have your home you can move back to? I remember it was tenanted at the time.

My advice is to take your lovely son with you to another house. He deserves so much better than this. I feel really sorry for him, tbh.

I don't like your partner. Leave him!

You really really need to start putting your son first. He is at such a vunerable age and really there are only a few short years left for you to make things right

I'm sure your son is your number one priority but by constantly putting your DP and his children's needs first you are letting him and yourself down

And really why would things change with your DP when he is happy with how things are? His wants and needs seem to come above yours so why would he want that to stop? It's clear he puts his own children far ahead of your son so why shouldn't you do the same

Yea, I have thought for a while that you are in a difficult situation and will have no choice but to leave in the end. Sympathy.