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Original poster

how involved would you get..............................sorry brittanica encylcopedia long[blush]

24 replies

prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 13:11

really wasnt sure whether to post or not.

my sister got married a little over a year ago. her partner and her had only been together a few months when she got pregnant(deliberately by the way!) Her husband is a big hearted, kind man, who loves her very much and he stood by her. His family, despite being a real nest of vipers helped heavily financially (mainly ot avoid any shame but they still didnt have to so have to give them credit there). She gave up her full time job as soon as she could and it was when she was pregnant that the trouble started. Mysterious ailments tthat could never be found, work that didnt get done but nothing that could be proved. She desperately wanted to be married and have a family and thats what she got so we were pleased in that sense.
Since then she has changed totally. she does nothing in the house, pawns the baby off as often as possible, starts expensive hobbies and drops them with rubbish excuses and the same goes for jobs, she starts them, then claims to be ill or bullied and quits, makes her hubby pay all the bills out of his (not high) wage including childcare and spends all of her money including the child benefit on crap (cookery book sthat dont get used makeup etc). When they met she was 7 k in debt which he is now paying, he had ten grand in savings and is now ten grand in debt and she constantly wants more and more and more money, but wont work. she claims migraine and goes to bed for days (but can get up for a day in between to go to the zoo). she has had test after test but nothing gets found. he is now working 7 days a week, is always late cause he gets the baby ready in the morning cause she wont get up, he cooks he cleans he does everything and he jsut cried and broke down last night. she is destroying him. she is my sister and i love whos he was but i want to hit her head on a wall. being a single mum si friggin hard and thats where she is headed. it either sounds like very seriosu depression or an acute case of "i can get away with it so why not". how the hell do i make her see what damage she is causing not only to a lovely thoughtful man but to herself. sorry for long post guys. just really concerned and have no idea what to do. i feel disloyal critising her but i cant help but think her behaviour needs to change.

OP posts:
drosophila · 25/03/2006 14:03

I knew someone in a similar position. She refused to work (kids were too important). Her DP worked 60-80hrs a week and they were still in debt.

All I can say it ended tragically. I spoke to her a couple of times about the strain it was putting on him. It went in one ear and out the other. Everyone blames her for what happened and she now lives off the state cos the kids are too important.

Speak to her. Be frank.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:10

i know shell get aggressive but i know i have to. the kids are to oimportant cant be an excuse either casue she never bloody has him. my thoughts were to tell her partner to not give her ANY money and make his family stop lookign after the baby and refuse to do anything in the house fro her but my concern with that is if she IS suffering form a depression of sorts will this put her over the edge? will it put more unnesessary strain on an already exhausted man????

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lou33 · 25/03/2006 14:16

she sounds v v depressed

if this is the case, all you can do is try and help her through it

maybe she thought she wanted what she has, but nw realises this isnt the case, and is too scared to admit it to herself

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:28

maybe. how do i approach her. i am finding it hard because to me refusing to provide for your family and doing what she is is abhorrent but i know if there is depression involved its not really her doing it its the illness. if she starts denying it all i am really going to struggle not to loose patience and that will make it very much worse.

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Flossam · 25/03/2006 14:36

Could it possibly be ME? Some docs once wrote it off as a 'lazy person's disease' ie an excuse to do bugger all but from what I understand it is becoming more widely accepted with research to back it up. Also IIRC, a major event such as pregnancy could 'bring it on' so to speak. I'll google.

Flossam · 25/03/2006 14:41

\link{http://www.afme.org.uk/allaboutme.asp?table=contenttypetwo&id=1\M.E website}

Pregnancy isn't listed so I might be wrong there oops!

Its symptoms include tiredness, aching limbs, memory problems, problems with thinking. Perhaps she just can't think things through.

Or perhaps she is depressed with feeling so rotten.

Or depressed, the obvious answer I suppose, but thought I'd see what you thought of this.

Whichever, really she needs to visit a good, sympathetic doctor, really.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:47

again your very right and thankyou for the advice. i suspect the doctors already know as she is down there every week with some other ailment. last time she decded she had food allergies the day after it was on gmtv and tried to persuade her hubby to give her two hundred and fifty quid for a tesing kit. he made her see a doctor. nothing wrong. something that concerned me very much was that at one point her son was the one with the illnesses that didnt exist but that seems to have settled down now.

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Pruneau · 25/03/2006 14:47

I know someone with ME - she has to go to bed for weeks at a time and there's no question of her getting up in the middle of it. (Not that that discounts it, though, I only know that one person.)

There does sound something really wrong. Has she always been like this to some extent? I just wonder if older sister coming down hard on her might be the wrong thing - family dynamic and all that.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:48

incidentally she has apparently been diagnosed with depression and has anti depressants but they dont seem to be making any difference at all and now she uses it as an excuse for a lot of her bad behaviour. i actually do think that it probably is whats wrong but hwo on earth do i make her see what she is doing.

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:53

its definately not m.e she has been tested fro it. it would indeed be very difficult for me to speak to her but usually i am the only one who can get throu. she has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but she also always worked very hard and was extremly neat so this is a drastic change. it is also tough for me to be the one to speak to her because i am a single parent. our babies are the same age but i went to work when he was three months old have a nice house that is always tidy and blah blah blah - she will either take the line that i am jealous that i dont have a man who does what he does ( bloody right i am, who doesnt want a supportive caring partner who contributes and is a good dad) or that i am making comparisons and i think i am a better mum- which i am not, she just doesnt see the other side of the coin. i just dont want her in my situation. its bloody hard, monotonous and stressfull at the best of times.

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Pruneau · 25/03/2006 14:55

pf1 I do sympathise, it sounds like something is very wrong.

If she is indeed taking the anti-depressants, could she be on the wrong one? maybe that's a way in to discussing it.

mili · 25/03/2006 14:56

i think what might help is getting out with more often, doing exercise, working around the house included, being with people instead of alone. she might refuse company at first, but in the long run i think it will help. don't let her dh do all the work, he should tell her to help out, that it will help her. hope this helps. oh, i think her hubby should have a word with her first, before you get in, she might be more easily persuaded if she hears it from him?

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:57

that does actually sound quite like her, in particualr the mood swings and complaints of constant minor infections.

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 14:59

i know. i told him he has to speak to her, and that he needs to learn how to communiate if their marriage has any chance of survival at all. i dont drive so getting there could be tough but maybe if i go round one or too evenings a week and try and motivate her into sorting the house out a bit and maybe if the family who arent atwork go round there too, make her take the baby out that sort of thing. what do you think??

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mili · 25/03/2006 15:04

yes, i think that would help. just try to not let her be alone for too long. oh, and her dh shouldn't let her buy things she really doesn't need. it sounds like she is feeling empty and wants to fill a whole. however, buying unnecessary things wont help

Flossam · 25/03/2006 15:05

HOw old is her baby?

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 15:20

one in a couple of weeks time.

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Flossam · 25/03/2006 15:23

could very easily be PND then. I got the impression from debts etc that she was older.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 15:25

she has a little boy and she is only twnety two.part of me thinks it is pnd and part of me knows that all she wanted was to have a man take care of her and in her head she thinks she is living the life of the rich.

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 15:29

she has literally spent all that money in a year. she started as a virgin vie rep. gave it up cause she couldnt be bothered to do the work. then a college course iin interior design, gave itup in january because it was too much for her. a job for two mornings a week, that went for the same reason, a full time job which she got fired from because she took two weeks of the month she worked for off sick for different reasons. the house is filled with totally unnessecary toys that the baby doesnt use and he has about eight pairs of shoes when he only started walkinga couple of weeks ago. she pays the childminder for one day a week and her mother in law has him a day - she calls this her weekend,. her husband doesnt know how he is going to pay her debt bill this weekend but she jsut spent over forty quid on samples cause she is mkaing him redecorate the sittting room - which is fine by the way. its just money after money after money totally unnesecarily.

OP posts:
Nbg · 25/03/2006 15:39

It sounds very much like depression to me.
What a sad situation it is.

Obviosuly there is a difference in years here but my dh's Grandma is going through a very similar thing atm. Infact it was only last week the GP diagnosed depression.
Her dh died in summer 2004 and since then she has displayed actions just like your sister.
Even the GP admitted that he had done an MOT on her and could find nothing wrong. She is physically well.
At one point she was calling him so much that he gave in and just sent her to hospital. When dh's mum went to her house to get her some things, she found it already piled up on the bed ready. It ended up with the staff nurse calling at 9pm that evening asking us to pick her up as there was nothing wrong with her.
Thats just one example but the list is endless.

I think that if you and her dh could get her to admit there is a problem that is one big hurdle out of the way.
I also get the impression the money thing sounds like a way that she makes herself feel better, like the cooking books and new hobbies. I think she has been trying to find her own way out, if that makes sense.

I really hope you can get somewhere with this. It must be awful to see her acting like this and her dh being so upset.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 25/03/2006 16:00

it si. not jsut with her odd behaviour but because she has a man many of the women on here would murder for and if she carries on that little boy will grow up with mummy and daddy not even liking each other very much

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bluejelly · 25/03/2006 21:32

My cousin sounds like your sister! Seriously in debt, house full of sparkling new things, husband working all hours and doing heaps of childcare and when he gets home she just criticises constantly. I am also a single parent and I too find it frustrating when I have to work full time to support my family. I guess cos she's my cousin I am one step removed from the situation...but if she was my sister i think I would have to say something... In the case of my cousin I think not depression, more like really low self esteem and being in a relationship with someone who is a) the wrong man and b) way too nice...

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 26/03/2006 14:35

i know what you mean. just been to see my dad and he feels she was never in love with him, she jsut saw a way to get what she wanted. its so frustrating because he loves her so much and he jsut wants her to help out a bit.

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